William Johnston - Max Smart and the Perilous Pellets

“Yes?”

“But, for one hundred million dollars, we will promise not to detonate the explosive.”

“That seems reasonable enough,” Max said.

“Yes, we set the price low because, actually, we don’t want to set off the explosive and destroy the whole world.”

“Oh? Why not?”

Dr. Medulla lowered his voice again. “One of our junior executives has pointed out that we’re part of the world,” he explained. “If we blow up the world, we’ll blow ourselves up, too. That’s the one weak spot in our plan. Don’t let it get out.”

“No one will hear it from me,” Max promised.

They had reached a room. Dr. Medulla opened the door, then led the party inside. On a stretcher was a human robot.

“That fellow looks familiar,” Max frowned.

“Of course,” Dr. Medulla smiled. “He was designed to look exactly like the average citizen. He’ll look familiar to everybody. Clever, eh?”

“Very clever,” Max replied. “But what’s the point of it?”

“Preventive thinking,” Dr. Medulla said. “When we send the human robot out into the world, then make our demand for one hundred million dollars, we are bound to make some enemies. In fact, the whole world will probably unite against us. We will be taken prisoner. We will be tortured. The world will demand to know where the human robot is, so that it can be destroyed.”

“But you won’t tell,” Max said.

“Oh, we would gladly tell, if we were being tortured. But we won’t know. So we won’t be able to tell.”

“Yes, but that doesn’t explain why you made the robot in the image of the average man.”

“Well, when the world finds out that we don’t know where the human robot is, it will say, ‘All right, we’ll find him ourselves. Describe him.’ ”

“And you’ll reply-”

“We’ll say, ‘Oh, he looks like the average man.’ Among all the average-looking men in the world, let them try to find a human robot that looks like the average man!”

“By Harry, that is clever!” Max said.

“Are you ready to operate, Doctor?” Dr. Medulla said.

“Not quite,” Max replied. “I find that an operation has a much greater chance of succeeding if I develop a personal relationship with the patient before I begin cutting.”

“Oh, really? It actually helps, does it?”

“Yes. I try to get the patient to trust me before I take him to the operating room,” Max said. “That way, when he has faith in me, he isn’t as likely to jump up off the operating table and run out screaming when I reach for the knife.”

“Hmmmm, that’s interesting,” Dr. Medulla said thoughtfully. “But, I think, personally, I prefer my own method.”

“How do you do it?” Max asked.

“I sneak up behind them when they’re not looking.”

“To each his own,” Max said. “Now, if you don’t mind, I’d like to be alone with the patient. That is, alone with the patient, and my nurse.”

“How long will it take?” Dr. Medulla asked.

“Oh… three, four days?”

“Could you trim it down to a half-hour?”

“Why not?” Max smiled. “After all, it’s only the patient who has anything to lose by it.”

Dr. Medulla winked. “I like your attitude, Doctor,” he said, leading the other doctors out.

When Max and 99 were alone, Max quickly opened the black bag and got out an explosive. “We have a half-hour,” he said. “We’ll plant this pellet, then we’ll climb out a window and make a run for the helicopter.”

“What about me?” a mechanical-sounding voice said.

“99, I think you’ve caught cold,” Max said.

“Max… that wasn’t me!”

“99, think! It wasn’t me. And you and I and the human robot are the only ones in the room. So, if it wasn’t you, it had to be-” He looked narrowly at the robot. “-you?”

“I was promised an operation,” the robot said. “Nobody’s going to cheat me out of my operation. And, incidentally, what was that business about planting a pellet?”

“Oh, that… that was a technical phrase,” Max replied. “You wouldn’t understand.” He looked more closely at the human robot. “You sound almost human,” he said.

“I am-half.”

“Are you human enough to know what these KAOS agents intend to do to you?” Max said.

“Yes. Isn’t it great!”

“Great? They intend to use you to blackmail the entire world. They’ll send you out into the world, then issue an ultimatum: Put up or Blow up!”

“I’ll be famous!” the human robot enthused. “I’ll be on the front page of every newspaper in the world!”

“But suppose the world refuses to accept the terms? KAOS will detonate the Super Boom. You’ll be destroyed.”

“Big deal,” the human robot replied. “Eventually, everybody dies. But how many people make the front pages?”

“Let me put it another way,” Max said. “Suppose I told you that I’m not really a doctor?”

“Don’t try to weasel out of a promise,” the human robot said. “You can’t fool me. I know you’re a doctor. You’re carrying a little black bag.”

“All right, then suppose I told you that you don’t need an operation? Suppose I told you that all you really need is a lot of rest and a lot of sunshine?”

“I’d report you to Dr. Medulla,” the human robot replied.

“Oh. Well, in that case, I think I better examine you. Sometimes an examination reveals that a patient knows more about what is best for him than the doctor. Stick out your tongue.”

The human robot extended its tongue.

“Well… an aluminum tongue,” Max commented. “That probably means something.” He put an ear to the human robot’s chest and listened. “Hmmmm… ticking. That’s undoubtedly an indication of something, too. Tell me, when was the last time you ate a wristwatch?”

“Stop beating around the bush,” the human robot said. “Do I get my operation or don’t I?”

“Well, frankly, it’s my opinion that-”

“Or do I scream for Dr. Medulla?”

“-that you are in desperate need of an operation,” Max finished.

“Then let’s get on with it,” the human robot said. “I want to make the morning editions of the newspapers.”

The door of the room opened. Dr. Medulla entered. “Time’s up,” he said.

“That was a fast half-hour,” Max commented.

“You know how time flies in our racket,” Dr. Medulla said. “It’s cut, cut, cut, and, before you know it, it’s dinnertime, time to carve the roast. A surgeon’s work is never done. Have you established a personal relationship with the patient?”

“We detest each other,” the human robot said.

“That’s as it should be,” Dr. Medulla replied. “What doctor wants to operate on someone he likes?” He signalled to the other doctors, who were waiting in the corridor. “Take the patient to the operating room,” he said.

The other doctors entered, then wheeled away the stretcher that held the human robot.

“Everything is ready for you, Doctor,” Dr. Medulla said to Max. “It is time to make history!”

“Oh?” Max said, pleased. “Do you really think it will go down in history?”

“I am certain,” Dr. Medulla replied. “That is, of course, if, after the Super Boom is detonated, there is any history left.”

“Max,” 99 whispered. “Let’s run!”

“Don’t be ridiculous, 99,” Max whispered back. “You heard Dr. Medulla. This may go down in history.”

“But Max,” 99 hissed. “If the operation is a success, and the human robot is released, and the Super Boom is detonated, you-and all of us-will die!”

“99, everybody has to die eventually,” Max hissed back. “But how many people get the chance to make history?” He faced Dr. Medulla again. “When it goes down in history, what do you suppose it will be called?” he asked.