William Johnston - Max Smart and the Perilous Pellets

“Be right back!” Lance Chalfont said, dashing toward the plane.

“No, there isn’t a helicopter repair shop near by,” the man said to Max as Lance Chalfont departed. “But I have a suggestion. You might plug those holes with coconuts. Naturally, it would be only a temporary solution, but, at least, it would get you back to civilization.”

“How far is civilization from here?” Max asked.

“Oh, about a mile and a half. It starts just outside the park.”

Lance Chalfont came rushing back. “I got the bread crumbs,” he said. “You still in one piece?”

“Why wouldn’t I be?” Max asked.

“I thought maybe you might’ve offered to shake hands and that fella bit it off.” He held up the jar of bread crumbs. “Don’t that look yummy?” he said to the children.

Shyly, they drew back.

“Thank you, anyway,” the woman said to Lance Chalfont. “But I don’t want them to spoil their lunch.”

“Take cover!” Lance Chalfont cried. “They got us on the menu!” He raced back toward the plane.

“He panics easily,” Max explained to the man.

“I think-um him a little bit off-um his nut,” the man smiled.

“And speaking of nuts,” Max said, “where would I find a coco?”

The man led Max into the jungle and showed him a coconut tree. There were coconuts on the ground, and Max selected two and carried them back to the plane.

Just as Max was completing the job of plugging up the holes in the tank, the man reappeared, carrying an emergency can of gasoline. He emptied it into the tank.

“Good-no leakage,” Max smiled. He thanked the man for helping him, then got back aboard the helicopter.

“It’s a ghost!” Lance Chalfont shrieked, hiding his head in the tin box that had once held the jar of bread crumbs.

“He thinks you were eaten by the cannibals, Max,” 99 explained.

“I’m not a ghost,” Max assured Lance Chalfont. “But I will be if those KAOS interceptors find us sitting here on the ground, defenseless. Let’s get out of here.”

Lance Chalfont straightened up. “How’d you get away from them cannibals?” he asked.

“I simply asked them to help us.”

“That’s kind of hard to believe,” Lance Chalfont replied.

“Would you believe that the cannibal chief was carrying an emergency can of gasoline in his car and that he gave it to us?”

“That’s far-fetched as all get out.”

“Would you believe, then, that I plugged up the holes in the tank with coconuts?”

“I’d believe it if you told me the whole terrible experience has affected your mind,” Lance Chalfont replied.

“All right then, believe that,” Max said. “And have pity on me and get back at the controls and fly this helicopter out of here.”

“I guess that’d be the kind thing to do,” Lance Chalfont agreed.

He settled in the pilot’s seat, started the engine, and took off.

As the helicopter rose, Lance Chalfont smiled, impressed. “Ain’t it a marvel what kindness will do?” he said. “It’s flyin’ this helicopter just like it had gas in it.”

“It’s better than that,” Max said. “It also plugged up the holes with coconuts.”

“Sakes alive!” Lance Chalfont said in wonder.

A few hours later, Lance Chalfont pointed out the front window and cried, “Thar she blows!”

“Where?” Max said.

“Right down there! A whale! See it!”

“Oh, yes,” Max replied. “But we’re looking for Minnesota. I don’t think you’ll find it in the middle of the ocean.”

“Is that the ocean?” Lance Chalfont said, disappointed. “I thought that was one of the Great Lakes.”

“How could you make a mistake like that?”

“It’s full of water,” Lance Chalfont replied. “That’s what I go by.”

“Then keep going,” Max said. “You’ll know Minnesota when you get to it. It’s the second state over from the state that looks like a poodle sitting up on its hind legs and begging.”

“Oh, that one!”

“Max,” 99 said, “when we reach the KAOS Old Agents Home do you have any plan for getting inside?”

“Not as yet,” Max replied. “But something will occur to me. Let’s take a look at the fact sheet. ”

99 got a sheaf of papers from the black bag and handed it to him. “We’re probably a little young to pose as old agents,” she said.

“Yes… unless we could convince them that we’re in our second childhood.”

“I knew a fella once that was in his second childhood,” Lance Chalfont said. “He was 99 years old. But he had everybody believin’ that he was only 66.”

“How did he do it?” Max asked.

“He stood on his head.”

“Pardon?”

“Stood on his head,” Lance Chalfont replied. “You turn 99 upside down, and it looks like 66.”

“I see,” Max nodded, turning his attention back to the fact sheet.

“I got a lot of stories like that,” Lance Chalfont said. “Ever hear about the fella who was 66 years old and wanted folks to think he was older? Know what he did?”

“Stood on his head?”

Lance Chalfont turned to Max, surprised. “You knew that fella, too, eh?”

“Will you excuse us, please?” Max said. “We want to study the fact sheet.

“Max! Look!” 99 said, peering over Max’s shoulder. “On the fact sheet it says that the KAOS Old Agents Home isn’t really an old agents home. It’s a cover for KAOS’s Secret Medical Experiments Hospital.”

“Hmmmm,” Max hmmmmed, interested. “Unless I miss my guess, it’s where KAOS conducts its secret medical experiments. That’s quite a coincidence. As you know, 99, Control’s Old Agents Home isn’t an old agents home either. It’s where Control conducts its secret medical experiments.”

“I know, Max.”

“You know what, 99?”

“That Control’s Old Agents Home isn’t really-”

“Thar she blows!” Lance Chalfont called out, interrupting.

“What this time?” Max asked.

“That state that looks like a poodle,” Lance Chalfont replied. “We’ll be over Minniehaha any minute now.”

“You mean we’ll be over Minnesota any minnie now,” Max corrected.

“The question now is how to get inside,” Max said, as the helicopter hovered over the complex of buildings that was supposed to be KAOS’s Old Agents Home, but which was really its hospital for conducting scientific medical experiments.

“Max, I think I have an idea,” 99 said. “Why don’t we pose as salesmen?”

Max shook his head. “That couldn’t possibly work, 99.”

“Why not, Max?”

“Because you’re a woman. How could you pose as a sales man? No one would ever believe it.”

“Then how about this, Max? You could pose as a salesman, and I could pose as a sales woman.”

Max thought a moment. “That’s closer to the mark, 99,” he said. “But it still wouldn’t work. What would a hospital want with a set of Junior Encyclopedias?”

“Max, salesmen sell other things besides encyclopedias. We could pose as salesmen for a drug manufacturer. In fact, we could say that our explosives are really wonder pills, and that we’re giving away free samples. That way, we could get the explosives planted in the hospital.”

Max shook his head. “I don’t like it, 99.”

“Why not, Max?” 99 asked, disappointed.

“Because it’s a brilliant idea, that’s why. And I’m the senior agent, and I’m supposed to think up the brilliant ideas.”

“Max,” 99 smiled, “it’s really your idea. I put it together from things you said. For instance, when you said ‘encyclopedia,’ that made me think of wonder pill.”

“I don’t quite get the connection, 99.”