William Johnston - Max Smart and the Perilous Pellets

Max and 99 sauntered on.

When they got out of sight of the gate, they left the the road and entered the underbrush. Macy and Gimbel were still where they had left them, still bound and gagged. Max and 99 released them.

“Did we pass the initiation?” Macy grinned.

“With flying colors,” Max replied. “Now, you’re free to go on to the school and take up your studies. In fact, you’re expected in The Professor’s class. He’s conducting a lecture on modern weapons systems.”

“You better hurry,” 99 said.

Macy and Gimbel darted off through the underbrush.

“A word of advice!” Max called after them. “Don’t volunteer for anything!”

But they were out of earshot.

Max and 99 returned to the road. The helicopter was hovering overhead. Max signalled to Lance Chalfont, and the helicopter began descending.

“This is certainly going to be a banner day for that sentry,” Max smiled. “Imagine! Three sets of Macys and Gimbels in one morning!”

As soon as Max and 99 were safely back aboard the helicopter, Max got out the fact sheet on their next destination, the KAOS Old Agents Home.

“It’s in Minnesota,” Max said to Lance Chalfont. “Can you find Minnesota?”

“Is it anywhere near Minniehaha?” he asked.

“Not far from there,” Max replied. “If you can find Minniehaha, you can find Minnesota.”

“Shouldn’t we report in to the Chief, Max?” 99 said.

“Good thinking,” Max replied, taking off his shoe and dialing.

Chief: Is that you, Max?

Max: Yes, this is me, Operator. Connect me with the Chief, please.

Chief: Max, this is me.

Max: Oh, sorry, Chief. I’m so used to dialing you and getting the Operator instead that I expect it to happen as a matter of course.

Operator: Are you saying I’m some kind of a buttinski?

Max: Not exactly, Operator. What I meant was Operator: Nobody can say I’m a buttinski. When did I ever butt in on anybody’s private conversation?

Max: Operator, what I said was Operator: You want to get me fired, don’t you? I know your kind. You intend to report me to the Supervisor. You’ll tell her I’m a buttinski. Is that your plan? Is that the reward I get for serving you faithfully for lo these many years? That’s gratitude!

Max: Operator, I have no intention Operator: Don’t butt in. It’s okay for you to butt in, huh? But not me. Oh no, I can’t say a word. I’m just supposed to sit here like a lump on a log and let you report me to the Supervisor for butting in and not say a word in my own defense. I guess you never heard of the Bill of Rights. Every man has the right to challenge his accuser. That goes for telephone operators, too. You think William Jennings Bryan didn’t have telephone operators in mind when he wrote the Bill of Rights?

Max: William Jennings Bryan?

Operator: Sure. It’s named after him. Bill. Bill Bryan.

Max: I apologize, Operator. I’m sorry I called you a buttinski. Now, am I forgiven? May I speak to the Chief?

Operator: I think he’s out to lunch.

Chief: I’m not out to lunch, Operator. I’m right here.

Operator: Don’t butt in.

Max: Chief, try to ignore her.

Operator: Just for that, I won’t say another word.

Max: Fine. Now, Chief Operator: I’m a human being, too, you know. I have feelings. What do you think I am, a recorded announcement? I have feelings just like anybody. In fact, I’m very sensitive. My psychiatrist says I’m too sensitive. “You’re too sensitive, Operator,” he keeps telling me. “You let little things bother you,” he says. “Well, you would, too,” I tell him, “if you had to put up with this one guy. He won’t take care of his shoe.” So my psychiatrist says Max: Operator, shut up!

Operator: That’s what my psychiatrist says. How did you know?

Max: It was a wild guess. Now, please, be quiet for a minute and let me talk to the Chief. I have an important report to make.

(Silence)

Max: Operator? Are you there? Are you going to keep quiet?

(Silence)

Max: Operator, I’m sorry if I hurt your feelings.

Operator: I’m not speaking to you.

Chief: Max, this is your chance. Give me your report.

Max: Chief, I can’t. Not while the Operator is pouting. I just wouldn’t feel right about it. Operator? Speak to me.

Operator: Your party does not answer, sir.

Max: Oh, all right, if you want to be that way about it. Chief? Still there?

Chief: Give me your report, Max.

Operator: Coax me, Max.

Max: Here’s the way things stand, Chief. We have successfully planted the explosive inside KAOS’s training school and we are now proceeding toward our next objective, KAOS’s Old Agents Home. Do you have any word of the opposition?

Operator: Just a word from you, Max, and all will be forgiven.

Chief: I think I have good news, Max. Your decision to skip lunch was apparently a master stroke. The KAOS agent has not yet been observed at Control’s Old Agents Home. So, evidently, the race is neck and neck again.

Operator: Chief, you talk to him. Try to get him to make up.

Max: That is good news, Chief. I have full confidence now that we will win out in this race against the forces of evil.

Operator: Max… I’ll do something desperate!

Chief: There’s one thing, Max… It’s bad news. I was saving it for last.

Operator: I’ll stub my toe, Max. And I’ll reject all medical attention. And gangrene will set in.

Max: I think I can take it, Chief. What is the bad news?

Operator (frantic): Maxie, Maxie, speak to me!

Chief: We have intercepted a coded message from KAOS headquarters, Max. It seems that KAOS has discovered that you are being transported on your mission by helicopter. And Operator: Last chance, Max! Speak to me!

Max: How did KAOS discover that fact, Chief?

Chief: KAOS decoded one of our coded messages, Max. And, the upshot is that KAOS has sent its air force to intercept you.

Operator: I’ll stick my head in a glass of water and drown myself, Max! Honest!

Max: I’m not too worried about that, Chief. After all, we have Lance Chalfont, silent birdman, piloting our plane.

Operator: Lance… are you there? Tell Max to speak to me! Tell him if he doesn’t, I’ll do something terrible. Tell him I’ll plug myself into the switchboard and electrocute myself!

Chief: Well, I wish I could be of help, Max. But all I can do is tell you to watch out for those KAOS interceptors.

Max: Don’t worry, Chief. I’m sure that Lance Chalfont can handle the situation. I’ll report in again when I have something to report in.

Chief: Good luck, Max.

Max: All right now, Operator. What were you saying?

Operator (indignantly): I’m not speaking to you!

(Click!)

Max hung up his shoe.

“What is it, Max?” 99 said.

“Bad, 99.”

“But what is it?”

“The Operator isn’t speaking to me any more.”

“Oh.”

“Did I hear you speak my name during that conversation?” Lance Chalfont said to Max.

“Yes, you did, Lance,” Max replied. “That’s the other bad news. The Chief advised me that KAOS has sent its air force to intercept us. But I told him that I wasn’t worried-because we have Lance Chalfont, silent birdman, as our pilot. I was sure that you would know how to handle the situation.”

“Bail out!” Lance Chalfont screamed. “Hit the silk!”

“Isn’t that a little loud for a silent birdman?” Max commented.

“I panic easy,” Lance Chalfont replied, regaining his calm. “But it don’t last. Once that first panic is passed, I get like a rock.”

“Strong and sturdy, you mean.”

“No, I mean I can’t swim. I sink like a rock. Say,” he said, “did the Chief say what them KAOS interceptors looked like?”