William Johnston - Max Smart and the Perilous Pellets

“Well, who knows what a wonder pill is? And, if there’s something you don’t know, where do you go to look it up?”

“Encyclopedia.”

“Right, Max. See? It’s all your idea, not mine.”

“And a brilliant idea it is, too-even if I did think of it,” Max said. He turned to Lance Chalfont. “Land us on that road that leads to the hospital,” he said. “We’ll approach it on foot.”

“On feet, you mean,” Lance Chalfont said. “You go approachin’ that hospital on one foot, the both of you, and they’ll toss you straight into a padded cell.”

“All right, have it your way, we’ll approach it on feet. But land, so we can get started. There’s no time to waste.”

Lance Chalfont landed the plane on the road, and Max and 99 got out, with Max carrying the black satchel.

“Wait right here,” Max said. “This won’t take long. Since we’ll be posing as salesmen, I’m sure they’ll be anxious to take our free samples and get rid of us. No one likes to have a salesman hanging around. Especially not after they’ve loaded up on free samples. They keep expecting to be asked to buy something.”

“Suppose somebody comes along?” Lance Chalfont said. “Won’t it look a little funny, a helicopter sittin’ right here in the middle of the road?”

“Tell them you’re out of gas,” Max suggested.

“An atom-powered helicopter? Who ever heard of an atom-powered helicopter runnin’ on gas?”

“Then tell them you’re out of atoms,” Max said. He turned to 99. “Are you ready, 99?”

“Ready, Max. Is your foot ready?”

“My foot?”

“To put in the door, Max. A salesman always puts his foot in the door.”

“Well, all right, if that’s how it’s done. I just hope I don’t break my telephone. The Operator would be furious.”

Max and 99 walked up the road. A few minutes later, they reached the gate. The sentry snapped to attention.

“Good afternoon,” Max smiled. “We’re-”

“I know who you are, Doctor,” the sentry replied. He stepped aside so that they could pass. “The welcoming committee is waiting to welcome you,” he replied.

“I don’t think you understand,” Max said. “We-”

“Here comes the welcoming committee now,” the sentry interrupted.

Max and 99 looked toward the hospital building and saw a group of doctors approaching.

“I knew it was bound to happen some day,” Max said. “Here come the men in the white coats.”

99 whispered to him. “Max, I think they think we’re somebody else.”

“We are,” Max whispered back. “We’re salesmen.”

“No, Max. I think-”

“Welcome, Doctor!” the leader of the group called. “I am Dr. Medulla, the famous brain doctor.” He then introduced his colleagues. “This is Dr. H. Nail, the famous finger doctor… and Dr. Stubble, the famous chin doctor… and Dr. Ache, the famous ear doctor… and Dr. Water, the famous knee doctor… and, last and least, our intern, Dr. Foot.”

“How do you do,” Max nodded. “Now… who am I?”

Dr. Medulla laughed heartily. “We all know who you are, Doctor,” he said. “At least, we know you by reputation. The finest all-’round surgeon in the world, that’s who you are. Although we weren’t sure at first.”

“Oh?” Max replied.

“When we saw your helicopter land down the road, we were a little suspicious,” Dr. Medulla said. “But then we saw the little black bag you were carrying and we knew you were a doctor.” He frowned. “Incidentally, why did you park your helicopter down the road?”

“Ah… would you believe that it’s out of gas?” Max asked.

“An atom-powered helicopter? Hardly.”

‘Then would you believe that it’s out of atoms?”

Dr. Medulla shook his head. “Far-fetched.”

“Would you believe, then, that we landed it down the road because it’s too noisy to be landed in a Hospital Zone?”

“Well, if we had any patients here that would make sense,” Dr. Medulla replied.

“You have no patients?”

“Only you-know-who,” Dr. Medulla smiled.

“I do? Who do I know who?”

“You know who you know who,” Dr. Medulla grinned. He indicated 99. “I see you brought your nurse with you,” he said. “That was wise. Our nurses might not be able to assist you. They’re very fine nurses, of course. But they aren’t familiar with the techniques you employ.”

“No, they probably aren’t,” Max replied.

“Well, shall we go inside?” Dr. Medulla said. “You would probably like to meet the patient.”

“You-know-who?”

“Of course I know who. We all know who.”

The whole group, including Max and 99, walked toward the main building.

“Dr. Medulla, I have a confession to make,” Max said.

“Yes?”

“Well, you know how we brilliant doctors are… a little absent-minded sometimes.”

“Indeed I do,” Dr. Medulla replied. “In fact, I practice absent-mindedness every morning for a half-hour. I hope to be a brilliant doctor myself some day.”

“Yes. Well, you’ll understand then how it is that I don’t seem to recall why I’m here.”

“Perfectly understandable,” Dr. Medulla nodded. “It’s the ultimate proof of how brilliant you are. We run-of-the-mill doctors always know why we’re where we are.” He lowered his voice, speaking to Max confidentially. “But I’m improving,” he said. “Last week, I forgot completely that I’m a brain doctor. I took out two livers, a half-dozen spleens and an appendix before I remembered. That’s progress, eh?”

“Obviously, you have the makings of a great doctor,” Max replied. “But, at the moment, that’s no help to me. Perhaps you could tell me-why am I here?”

“To conduct our latest experimental operation.”

“Oh, yes, I think it’s all coming back to me. Now, if you’ll just fill in a few details…”

“Well, you know about the human robot that R amp; D developed.”

“Of course I know about the human robot that R amp; D developed. Tell me about it.”

“Well, to make a long story short, R amp; D has developed a human robot,” Dr. Medulla explained. “This human robot is really a robot, of course. But it looks human. Therefore, it’s called a human robot.”

“Yes, I’m fully aware of that,” Max said. “Now, why am I here?”

“To operate on the human robot.”

“I see. To take out its mechanical appendix, I suppose.”

Dr. Medulla laughed. “Very funny, Doctor. But you are not here to take out. You are here to put in.”

“Oh, to put in its mechanical appendix. Well, that ought to make medical history of some sort.”

“No, Doctor, to put in the Super Boom.”

“Yes, yes, now I remember,” Max said. “It’s all coming back. There’s just one little detail that still eludes me. What is the Super Boom?”

“That’s the explosive that you will put into the human robot,” Dr. Medulla replied.

“Permanently-or just for temporary safekeeping?” Max asked, as they entered the building and proceeded along a corridor.

“That depends on the world,” Dr. Medulla smiled.

“Oh.”

“The Super Boom is the most destructive explosive ever developed,” Dr. Medulla went on. “After you have implanted the Super Boom in the human robot, the human robot will be released. It will wander off, no one knows where. Then KAOS will announce to the world that the human robot, carrying the Super Boom, is at large.”

“That’ll cause some head-shaking,” Max commented.

“The Super Boom can be detonated from anywhere,” Dr. Medulla said. “It won’t matter where the human robot roams to, we can still set off the explosive. And, if we do set off the explosive, it will destroy the whole world. But-”