William Johnston - Max Smart and the Perilous Pellets

Max and 99 sprinted onward. Ahead they saw the helicopter waiting for them. Behind them they heard a shot. A bullet zinged by.

“Now there’s a bunch of poor losers for you!” Max said disgustedly.

They reached the helicopter and leaped aboard. “Up!” Max commanded Lance Chalfont.

Lance Chalfont looked disturbed. “Up. Is that that way?” he said, pointing upward, “Or that way?” he asked, pointing downward. “I always get the two mixed up.”

A bullet whizzed by the plane.

“Never mind! I think I remember!” Lance Chalfont said, jumping into the pilot’s seat and grabbing the controls.

A moment later, the helicopter whirred upward.

A hail of bullets flew at the plane.

“They got us!” Lance Chalfont cried.

“Where?”

“In the left coconut!” Lance Chalfont replied.

“Is it bad?”

“Terrible!” Lance Chalfont replied. “When we get back to civilization, we’ll have to operate to get that bullet out of the coconut.”

“But can we fly?” Max asked.

Lance Chalfont smiled. “I don’t think we can,” he replied. “But, there ain’t no need for us to fly, anyway. The helicopter can do it for us.”

“That’s what I meant,” Max said. “Can the heli-oh, never mind.” He turned to 99. “Are you all right, 99?”

“Fine, Max.”

Max dropped into his seat, relaxed and smiled. “Mission accomplished,” he said. “Lance, you can fly us back to Headquarters now. There is an explosive planted in each of the several KAOS installations. And, it’s button-pushing time!”

“Max! We’ve done it!” 99 cried happily.

“Yesss… we were rather magnificent, weren’t we? I don’t see how we can miss getting medals for this, 99.” He opened the black bag and started to drop the gadget into it, then paused. “I wonder what this thing really is?” he said curious.

“Read the instructions, Max.”

Max read. “ ‘When trapped by group of KAOS agents, raise gadget high over head and order KAOS agents to Stand Back. KAOS agents will automatically comply. It is traditional that all secret agents cower against wall when cry of Stand Back is issued. Note: If occasion does not arise where you are trapped, gadget can also be used to supply between-meal snack. It is filled with jelly beans.’ ”

“R amp; D is thoughtful,” 99 commented.

Max opened the gadget, then extended it toward 99. “Jelly bean?”

“Thank you, Max,” 99 replied, taking one.

“Lance?” Max said.

“Never between meals,” Lance Chalfont replied. “I got to keep my figure. Ain’t nothin’ worse for the image than seein’ a fat, sloppy silent birdman.”

“Max, shouldn’t you contact the Chief?” 99 said.

“Good thinking, 99.”

Max took off his shoe and dialed.

Operator: About time! Where’ve you been with our shoe, Max?

Max: Completing the mission, Operator. Now, may I speak to the Chief, please?

Operator: Not with those jelly beans in your mouth. It’s not polite.

Max: Sorry about that, Operator, (sound of swallowing) Now, Operator?

Operator: I will ring your number, sir.

Chief: Is that you, Max?

Max: Yes, Chief, this is Max (He Did It Again) Smart reporting. I guess I don’t have to tell you how the mission came out.

Chief: Max, you mean you bungled again?

Max (a little hurt): Is that fair, Chief? When did I ever bungle?

Chief: Do you want me to read you the list from the top down, Max, or from the bottom up?

Max: Neither will be necessary, Chief. Anyway, in spite of anything that may have happened before, this time I have been completely successful. A pellet has been planted in every KAOS installation. In other words, Chief, you can now punch the button.

Chief: Not quite yet, Max.

Max: Oh? Why not, Chief? Sore finger?

Chief: No, that’s not it, Max. Frankly, I’d rather not discuss the reason.

Max: Is it because-Chief! That KAOS agent who was planting explosives in the Control installations-was he successful, too?

Chief: Yes, Max. That’s one of the reasons. Now, Max, I want you and 99 to hurry right back here to Headquarters.

Max: Is something up, Chief?

Chief: Yes, Max, something definitely is up.

Max: Can’t you tell me what it is? Can’t you even give me a hint?

Chief: I’d rather not, Max. This line may be bugged.

Operator: I resent that! If you’re talking about me, I haven’t heard a word you said! Do you think I have nothing more important to do than sit around listening to a couple of kooks?

Chief: I didn’t mean you, Operator.

Operator: I should hope not! Incidentally, what is up, Chief?

Chief: Sorry, Operator. It’s Top Top Secret.

Max: Yes, Operator, it’s Top Top Secret. But, because you’re such a nice operator, I’ll see that you get an invitation to the ceremony.

Operator: Ceremony?

Chief: Ceremony?

Max: You don’t really have to keep it a Top Top Secret, Chief. I have a pretty good idea what it is. Tell me, is it a round medal or a square medal?

Chief: I haven’t the thinnest notion what you’re talking about, Max. But it isn’t important. Just get back here as quickly as possible.

Max: I get it, Chief. You want it to be a surprise. Well, don’t worry. I promise that I’ll look surprised.

Chief (wearily): You do that, Max. I’ll see you both later.

Max: So long, Chief.

Operator: So long from me, too, Chief. And, Max Max: Yes, Operator?

Operator: Congratulations. About the medal, I mean. If anybody deserves it, you do. Max… could I ask a favor?

Max: Anything, Operator.

Operator: Max, when you get the medal… will you wear it on your shoe?

Max: On my shoe, Operator?

Operator: We’d be so proud, here at the telephone company.

Max: I’m afraid not, Operator. That would be a little obvious. A KAOS agent would see it and know instantly that I was a Control agent.

Operator: How about in your shoe, then?

Max: Sorry again, Operator. Too obvious. The KAOS agents would soon learn that Max Smart was the Control agent who limped.

Operator: Max, if you won’t wear it on your shoe, or in your shoe, I have another suggestion.

Max: Goodbye, Operator.

Max hung up.

“What did he say, Max?” 99 asked.

“Top Top Secret, 99.” He turned to Lance Chalfont. “Back to home base,” he said. “The Chief wants us at Headquarters as soon as we can get there.”

Lance Chalfont frowned. “Home base… is that up or down?”

“Straight east,” Max replied. “That’s ‘E’ on the compass.”

“Well, ding-dong, is that what that means? I thought that ‘E’ was for ‘Enywhere.’ ”

As the helicopter buzzed off toward the East Coast, 99 questioned Max again. “Can’t you tell me, Max? I’m one of the gang.”

“I don’t think I should, 99. The Chief wouldn’t admit what it really is. He wants us to be surprised. But I will give you a hint-it’s something that you couldn’t conveniently wear on your shoe.”

“Max! A medal!”

“Drat! You guessed it!”

Not long after that, the helicopter settled down at the airport in Washington. Max and 99 said goodbye to Lance Chalfont, then got into Max’s car and drove toward Control headquarters.

“We ought to work on our acceptance speeches,” Max said.

“But, Max, if we had an acceptance speech, the Chief would know that we weren’t surprised.”

“I don’t mean a formal acceptance speech,” Max replied. “I mean something off the top of the head. How’s this for a beginning? ‘A funny thing happened to me on my way here to receive this medal.’ ”

“That might give it away, Max. Why don’t you leave out the part ‘to receive this medal’?”