William Johnston: And Loving It!

Max: I understand, Chief. But, could we take care of my door first? I’ll aim my shoe at it, and you send the sound over the line-all right?

Chief: Just let me know when you’re ready, Max.

Max: Pardon, Chief? I didn’t get that.

Chief: Ready, I said.

Max: Ready?

(Sound of sizzling wires)

Chief: Did that do it, Max?

Max: I didn’t have it aimed at the door yet, Chief.

Chief: Where was it aimed?

Max: I’d rather not say, Chief. But I’ll tell you this much-it’ll be a long time before I ever have to wash my right ear again.

Voice: Hee-hee-hee! Old Maxie!

Max: Will you just stay out of this, Uncle Ned, please? Chief-try it again. When I say ‘now.’

Chief: Now?

Max: Yes, now.

(Sound of sizzling wires)

Max: Perfect, Chief! Where that door was, there is nothing but a small pile of ashes!

Chief: Good, Max. Now, can we discuss that twenty-eight cents?

Max: I’d like to finalize this mission first, Chief, if you don’t mind.

Chief: How long would it take to explain twenty-eight cents, Max?

Max: All right-just say I made a couple phone calls.

Chief: Phone calls are a dime apiece. This is for twenty-eight cents.

Max: Then call it two and eight-tenths phone calls, Chief.

Chief: Finally! I don’t know why you have to make such a big problem out of a little matter like twenty-eight cents, Max. All right, that takes care of it. Good luck with the mission.

Operator: Max? Uncle Ned wants to know if he’ll have time for a nap before you make your next kooky call.

Max: Supervisor!

(click)

Max and 99 left the dieing room and made their way quietly along the corridor.

“Where are we going, Max?” 99 asked, whispering.

“To find Lucky Bucky and Guru Optimo.”

“I know that. But, I mean where are we going to look?”

“We’ll start on this floor and search every room. Then we’ll-”

They had reached a corner and Max had suddenly halted.

“What is it, Max?”

“We’re not going to have any trouble finding Lucky Bucky and Guru Optimo, 99.”

99 peeked around the corner. Lucky Bucky and Guru Optimo were standing there, facing them.

99 waggled her fingers and smiled amiably. “Hi.”

“Well. . out of the dieing room into the fire, eh?” Lucky Bucky said.

Guru Optimo grinned broadly. “You’ve got the idea, Lassie. But I sent you for the morning paper, not a gang of counterfeiters,” he said.

Max’s eyes narrowed. “All right, Lucky Bucky, are you ready to surrender, or do we have to start running up and down the halls again?”

“I can answer that in one contraction, Maxie Baby,” Lucky Bucky replied.

“Yes?”

Lucky Bucky turned to Guru Optimo. “Zop’em!”

Guru Optimo raised his hand.

Max and 99 darted between Guru Optimo and Lucky Bucky and raced down the corridor. As they whipped around a corner a flash of light exploded behind them.

“Guards!” they heard Lucky Bucky shout.

Max and 99 reached a stairway and dashed upward. They entered another corridor.

“Into one of these rooms!” Max said.

He threw open a door and he and 99 ran into the room. Max slammed the door behind them.

“Max! This is Guru Optimo’s room! Look-there’s the hole in the wall to the secret passage!”

“We couldn’t have picked a better room, 99! Quick, let’s get out of here!”

“Max, what-”

“Because this room leads to the secret passageway,” Max explained, “and the secret passageway leads either to the dungeon or the music room.”

“Music room?”

“Where we saw those old musical instruments-remember?”

“Oh. . yes. .”

“Come on, 99,” Max said, taking her hand and leading her into the secret passageway.

“Max, I still don’t understand-”

“Quiet, 99. I’ll explain later.”

They descended the steps in the secret passageway. A few moments later they entered the music room.

“Understand now, 99?” Max said.

She shook her head.

“A good general always leaves a way open for retreat,” Max explained. “You see, from here, if Lucky Bucky and Guru Optimo and the guards come in through the doorway, we can escape by way of the secret passage. And, if they come in through the secret passage, we can escape through the doorway.”

“Max, that’s really brilliant- really!”

“Of course. But we couldn’t have done that if we’d stayed in Guru Optimo’s room. Because there was only the doorway and the. . Ummmmm. . well, here, we won’t be bored. We can amuse ourselves by looking at these old musical instruments.” He indicated an instrument that looked like a stringed watermelon.

“What did you say that is, 99?”

“That’s a strumplecord, Max.”

“How do you know that?”

“See that little brass plate attached to it, Max? It says ‘strumplecord.’ ”

“Oh.”

“And the brass plate on this one says ‘saxopular.’ ”

“All right, 99, I understand the system now.”

“Aren’t they beautiful, Max!”

“Well. . I don’t know that beautiful is exactly the word for some of them. This one, for instance. The one here that looks like a bass fiddle.”

“Mmmmm, you’re right. It is sort of ugly. I wonder why it’s wearing a derby hat?”

“I thought that was a funny-shaped bow.”

“What does it say on the brass plate, Max?”

Max bent down and read. “It says-” He straightened and stared at the instrument. “-V. T. Brattleboro?”

The instrument tipped its hat. “I come from a musical family,” Brattleboro explained. “When we all sat down to the table together we looked like the New York Philharmonic Orchestra.”

“Really?” 99 said. “Why?”

“We sat on folding chairs.”

“I don’t think-” Max began.

But at that moment they heard Lucky Bucky’s voice in the corridor. “Guards! — into the music room!” it shouted.

“Max! They’re coming!”

“All right-everybody out through the secret passage!”

They ran to the opening in the wall-then halted.

“Somebody’s in there!” Brattleboro said.

A voice came from the passageway. “Of course I’ll love you as long as I live, darling. Now, step aside and let the firing squad do its job,” it said.

“Anybody recognize that voice?” Max frowned.

“Guru Optimo!” 99 said. “Max, we’re trapped! Guru Optimo in the passageway, and Lucky Bucky at the door!”

“What a dumbhead!” Brattleboro said to Max. “You should have left a way open for a retreat!”

“Well, it’s too late for that now,” Max said. “We’ll just have to fight it out, man to man.”

“What about me, Max?” 99 asked.

“Woman to man, in your case, 99.”

“But, Max, we don’t have a chance. Guru Optimo will zop us!”

“I know, 99. But until- Wait a minute! 99, remember when we were in that bucket and you were hypnotized? You thought you were the Staten Island Ferry-”

“Are you going to start that again, Max?”

“I know you don’t remember, 99, but that’s exactly what happened. The spell was broken when the moonlight, reflected in your hand mirror, flashed in your eyes.”

“Max, your story gets more preposterous every time you tell it.”

“Just give me your hand mirror again, 99.”

“What for?” she asked, opening her purse.

“If a flash of moonlight can break a spell, why can’t it create a spell?”