William Johnston - And Loving It!

Operator: Is that anything like arachis hypogaea brittle?

Max: Please, just get me the Chief.

(click)

Chief: Control. . Chief here. .

Max: It’s me, Chief. Will you call the Electric Company again, please, and have them restore the power to the island?

(Silence)

Max: Chief, I’m sure they’ve forgotten about those other calls by now.

(Silence)

Max: Couldn’t you disguise your voice, Chief?

Chief: Max, I won’t even discuss the subject.

Max: It’s a matter of life and death again. If I don’t get him his electricity back, Lucky Bucky, who is standing right here beside me, is going to do something very drastic. He hasn’t had his morning coffee yet.

Chief: Why didn’t you say so, Max! I’ll make the call right away.

Max (to 99 and Lucky Bucky): The life or death bit sold him.

Chief: It wasn’t that. I know how tough it is to go without that morning cup of coffee.

(Sound of dialing, then muffled conversation)

Chief: The electricity will be on in a second, Max.

(From the Squash Room, a grinding sound as the ceiling and floor meet)

Max: The power is on, Chief. Thank you. Incidentally, how are you fixed for peanut brittle crunch? I have a seven-year supply that I’d be glad to share with you.

Chief: That’s very-

Lucky Bucky had snatched the shoe from Max’s hand.

“That doesn’t happen to be a party line,” Max snapped at him. “Get your own phone!”

Lucky Bucky pulled a gun and pointed it at Max and 99. “The game is over, Maxie Baby,” he snarled. “I don’t need you any more.”

Max raised his foot. “Will you at least hang up my phone?” he said.

Lucky Bucky tossed the shoe out the window. “Now, try to contact your Chief!”

Max started toward the window and fell flat on his face.

“You forgot to lower your foot, Max,” 99 said.

“Usually, the shoe holds it down,” Max explained, rising. He continued to the window and looked out and down. “It looks like this is your lucky day, Lucky Bucky,” he reported. “You got two agents with one shoe. It hit Brattleboro.”

“What was he doing down there, I wonder,” 99 said.

“Out of gas, I think.”

“Oh, yes, I forgot-he’s a motorcycle cop.”

“To the dungeon!” Lucky Bucky commanded, brandishing the gun.

Max groaned. “Not that again!”

“Don’t blame me,” Lucky Bucky said. “It’s the rule. After an enemy is squashed in the Squash Room, the body is taken to the dungeon and dropped into the bottomless pit. It’s traditional. That’s the way the guy that built the castle always did it.”

“Oh, well, if that’s the system, that’s the system,” Max said. “I don’t suppose there’s anything you can do about it. I’m sorry I showed my pique. I didn’t understand.”

“Do it again,” Lucky Bucky said. “I missed it.”

“Do what again?”

“Show me your peak.”

“Well. . just a peek.”

“Forget it. All or nothing at all.” He waved the gun again. “March!”

Lucky Bucky directed them along the corridor, then down the stairs. When they reached the dungeon, he stopped them at a wooden lid that appeared to be sitting on the floor.

“That’s the top to the bottomless pit,” he said. “Lift it.”

Max picked up the lid and set it aside. A dark hole opened up before them.

Max peered into it. “So that’s the bottomless pit. How deep is it?”

“Nobody’s ever lived to tell.”

“Well, we have a first to shoot for, 99,” Max said.

“Jump!” Lucky Bucky commanded.

Max pointed to his foot. “Isn’t it a little barbaric to make a man die without his shoe telephone on?”

“If I find it, I’ll toss it down after you,” Lucky Bucky promised.

“I suppose that will have to do,” Max said. He turned to 99. “I’m sorry it has to end this way, 99. If we had completed this mission alive, there was something I was going to ask you.”

“Yes, Max. . what?” 99 said tearfully.

“Well, I was hoping you’d help me get that peanut brittle crunch back into that capsule. If I lose it, it’ll come out of my pay, you know.”

“Enough of this sentimental chit-chat!” Lucky Bucky shouted. “Jump!”

99 sniffled. “May I hold your hand, Max?”

“Of course, 99. I won’t need it where I’m going.”

“Juuuuuuump already!” Lucky Bucky screamed.

Hand in hand, Max and 99 leaped into the bottomless pit.

“Are you afraid, Max?” 99 whimpered as they hurtled downward through the pitch darkness.

“Afraid, no, 99. But I’m a little worried.”

“About what, Max?”

“Well, if this is really a bottomless pit, we’re going to be falling for an awful long time. Forever, would be my guess.”

“That is something to worry about,” 99 agreed.

“That isn’t what’s worrying me.”

“What, then, Max?”

“How is the bookkeeping department at Control going to look at it? Are we going to be paid double for overtime? Or are they going to take it out of our vacation?”

“Max, you know the bookkeeping department!”

“I guess you’re right. Well, let’s try to enjoy ourselves, in that case, 99, We’re on vacation.”

Max and 99 suddenly hit water. Water was all around them. Instinctively, they held their breaths and thrashed their way to the surface. All at once they were able to breathe again, although they were still in the water.

“99,” Max said, “are you by any chance pretending that we’re vacationing at Miami Beach?”

“Not me, Max.”

“Then we must have found the bottom of the bottomless pit. And apparently it’s filled with water.”

“Does that suggest Miami Beach to you, Max?”

“No, 99, I was- Nevermind. Can you see anything?”

“Not a thing, Max.”

“I seem to be moving. Are you moving, 99?”

“I think so. Max, I think we landed in some kind of underground stream. And the current seems to be taking us somewhere.”

“Either that, 99, or we landed in some kind of underground stream and we’re caught up in the current.”

“Max! There’s a light up ahead!”

“I hardly think so, 99. Lucky Bucky obviously doesn’t know about this stream. And if he did, he wouldn’t light it, would he? And since he doesn’t, who would?”

“Would what, Max?”

“Light it.”

“But that is a light, Max.”

“99, it’s daytime. Nobody keeps the lights on in the daytime.”

“But, Max, can’t you see it? It’s definitely a light.”

“I know that, 99. All I’m saying is- Oh. It’s daylight, 99. We’re coming to the end of the underground stream.”

“I wonder where it will take us?”

“My guess would be-”

The stream swept them from the cavern and out into the ocean. Huge waves washed over them.

“Well, wrong again,” Max said.

“Swim, Max!”

“99, I’m not a child. I don’t have to be told what to do when I find myself over my head in ocean.”

They swam back to the island and dragged themselves up on the beach. After they had rested a moment, Max got up and looked around.

“Where are we, Max?” 99 asked wearily.

“I don’t recognize it, 99. But evidently something terrible has happened here.”

“What, Max?” 99 said, rising.

“Look-over there. That whole ring of trees has apparently been snapped off at the base by some giant, ferocious animal.”

“Oh. . Max! You snapped them off at the base with that collapsible machine gun-remember? We’re right back where we started!”