William Johnston - And Loving It!

Max sighed. “Then this is it, 99. We’ll never find our way back to that castle.”

“Couldn’t we try, Max?”

“There just isn’t time. For all we know, Lucky Bucky may be setting out with Guru Optimo right now to take over the world. This calls for drastic action, 99.”

“Do you have something in mind?”

“Yes. I’m going to call the Chief and have him send the Air Force to bomb this island out of existence.”

“Max, in the first place, if the Air Force bombs this island out of existence, won’t we be bombed out of existence with it?”

“That’s a sacrifice we’ll have to make, 99. What’s more important-us, or the fate of the entire civilized world?”

“Well. . ”

“I tend to agree with you, 99. But I suspect that the entire civilized world would have a different opinion.”

“Max, there’s something else. How are you going to call the Chief? Lucky Bucky threw your shoe out that window.”

“Simple, 99,” Max replied, taking off his other shoe. “I’m going to use the extension.”

“I didn’t know about that, Max.”

“I try to keep it a secret,” Max said. “When the information gets out that you have two phones, some practical joker always tries to call you on both lines at once, and you find yourself talking to yourself.”

Max dialed.

Operator: I’m ready with your call to General Grant, sir.

Max: Operator, General Grant is dead.

Operator: Then why did you call him?

Max: I didn’t. Operator, this is Max Smart. I’m trying to call the Chief.

Operator: Have you tried shouting out the window?

Max: I’m on an island out in the ocean. That’s why I’m using a phone. Now, will you connect me with Control, please?

Operator: What about your call to General Grant? He’s on the line.

Max: Let him talk to Mr. Lincoln for a while. I’ll speak with him as soon as I finish talking to the Chief.

(Click)

Chief: Control. . Chief here. .

Max: Chief, this is Max. I have a desperate-

Chief: Max who?

Max: Max Smart, Agent 86, Chief. I have a desperate-

Chief: I don’t know who you are, sir, but if this is supposed to be a joke, it isn’t very funny.

Max: Chief? Is that you? This is me, Max. Remember? Your top agent?

Chief: This is in very bad taste, sir. Max Smart is dead.

Max: Operator, did you connect me to General Grant?

Operator: How could I? He’s talking to Mr. Lincoln.

Max: Chief, let’s start again. Hello, Chief? This is Max. Now, as I was saying-

Chief: Sir, it might interest you to know that not ten minutes ago I received a call from V. T. Brattleboro. He was calling on Max’s shoe phone. And he informed me that Max and Agent 99 had died in the castle, murdered by Lucky Bucky Buckley. Now, I’m certain that if Max were still alive, it would have been impossible for V. T. Brattleboro to have possession of his shoe phone.

Max: I wouldn’t say that, Chief. You see-

Chief: You’re an impostor, sir-whoever you are.

Max: Chief, let’s wait until I get back to Headquarters to debate this. Right now, I have a very unusual but nonetheless urgent request to make. The fate of the entire civilized world will depend on your answer. Chief, I want you to bomb this island out of existence. And there isn’t a moment to lose. Okay?

(Silence)

Max: Chief? Still there?

Chief: I don’t have a bomb handy.

Max: No, I want you to have the Air Force bomb the island out of existence.

Chief: I see. And what reason would I give? Because some nut called me on the phone and requested it?

Max: Chief, I’m not just any nut-this is Max!

Chief: I repeat-Max is dead.

Max: Chief, who are you going to believe, me or V. T. Brattleboro?

Chief: Are you calling on Max’s shoe phone?

Max: Well, no, I’m-

Chief: Aha!

(click)

“He hung up,” Max reported to 99.

“Max, then why are you still listening on your extension?”

“Shhh. . I think the operator got the lines crossed. Mr. Lincoln and General Grant are discussing the campaign.”

“Battle strategy, you mean, Max?”

“Not that kind of campaign-the election campaign. Grant wants Lincoln to shave off his beard. He says it makes him look like a beatnik.”

“Max. . do you think you should listen?”

“I’ll- Oops!”

Max put his shoe back on.

“What happened, Max?”

“Mr. Lincoln couldn’t talk any more.”

“I imagine he was pretty busy.”

“Yes. He said he had a long speech written and he had to edit it down so it would fit on the back of an envelope.”

“What did the Chief say, Max?”

“He called me a nut. Remember when Lucky Bucky Buckley tossed my shoe phone out the window, 99, and it hit V. T. Brattleboro? Well, apparently the blow unzopped him. Anyway, he called the Chief on my shoe and told him that you and I are dead. And the Chief believed him.”

“Maybe Brattleboro believes it, too.”

“Possibly.”

“The Chief, I suppose, refused to ask the Air Force to bomb the island out of existence.”

“Right.”

“What do we do now, Max?”

“Carry on, 99. We have no other choice. In spite of the fact that we will undoubtedly be too late, we’ll have to try to find our way back through the jungle to the castle and attempt to stop Lucky Bucky Buckley and Guru Optimo.”

“It sounds like a complete waste of time to me, Max.”

“Well, look at it this way, 99-what else do we have to do?”

“That’s a point.”

“Backward, 99!”

“Don’t you mean Onward!?”

“No, backward, 99-back to the castle.”

“Oh.”

Once more, they plunged into the jungle, following the stream. The heat beat down on them. The vines lashed at their faces. And the brambles pulled at their clothes.

Max halted. “It’s no use, 99. We’re lost.”

“Max, why don’t you climb one of these palm trees?”

“It doesn’t appeal to me, 99.”

“To look around, I mean. Maybe you could spot the castle.”

“Oh. All right.”

Max shinnied to the top of a tree.

“What do you see, Max?” 99 called.

“Well, I’m not sure. But it looks a little like a monkey.”

“I resent that a great deal,” the monkey said.

Max stared. “V. T. Brattleboro!”

“What is it, Max?” 99 shouted.

“It’s Brattleboro, 99.”

“Ask him what he’s doing up there!”

Max faced Brattleboro again. “You heard the question,” he said.

“I climbed up here for privacy,” Brattleboro replied. “I was making a phone call.”

“On my shoe?”

“Right. I had a sudden inspiration. I said to myself, why don’t I call the Chief and have him contact the Air Force and have the Air Force bomb this island out of existence. But I knew he wouldn’t do it for me-a KAOS agent. So I pretended to be you. Which wasn’t easy, because, earlier, I had called him and told him you were dead. But this time I told him that Brattleboro was wrong, I wasn’t dead. Then I asked him to contact the Air Force.”

“Yes? And?”

“He hung up on me.”

“I’m not surprised,” Max said.

“The call wasn’t a total waste, though,” Brattleboro said. “I found out that Mr. Lincoln will be in Gettysburg later today.”

“Oh. . good. He got the speech edited down, I guess.”

“What are you doing up here?” Brattleboro said. “I thought you were dead.”