William Johnston: Max Smart and the Ghastly Ghost Affair

“Fortunately for us, they’re wrestlers first and ladies last,” Max said to 99.

“Max, where did they come from? Why are they so outraged?”

“I think we’ll soon find out, 99. They seem to be running out of KAOS assassins to kick, bite, pinch, punch, pull and pummel.”

The lounge car suddenly became quiet. KAOS assassins were sprawled everywhere, unconscious.

Max and 99 raised up from behind the lounge chair.

Several burly girls started after them.

“Stop!” the leader of the wrestlers commanded. “We’re in enough trouble as it is, ladies,” she said, looking suddenly worried.

“Trouble?” Max said.

“This is always happening,” the lady wrestler replied. “We get a little peeved at somebody, and we break all their arms and legs. And, it seems, in a riled up world like the world we live in today, nobody’s got any sense of humor any more. They get mad at us for breaking their arms and legs and sue us for damages and threaten to put us in jail and all like that there.”

“I think I have some rather pleasant news for you,” Max said. “You may not get many laughs out of this mayhem you committed today, but, on the other hand, you may get a medal.”

Max then explained that he and 99 were Control agents and that the men the ladies had mauled were KAOS assassins. The lady wrestlers were delighted by the news. They wanted to kick the assassins a few more times for good measure while they were unconscious. But Max felt that would be adding injury to injury, and he restrained them.

“What baffles me,” Max said, “is why you weren’t all killed when you were dropped off the train through that false door in the dining car.”

“Why, it was just a normal fall for us,” the leader of the lady wrestlers replied. “In our profession, we’re used to falls.”

“Yes. . I can see that,” Max nodded. “How did you find us, though, here in this ghost town?”

“No problem,” the lady wrestler replied. “It’s not hard to follow a train, you know. It leaves tracks.”

“I don’t know why I didn’t think of that,” Max nodded. “Well,” he said, “that seems to wrap up the case fairly neatly. I’ll just trot up to the engine and overpower the engineer, then I’ll drive the train back to Washington, and we’ll deliver all these KAOS assassins to the proper authorities.”

“Let us!” the leader of the lady wrestlers begged.

“Let you what?”

“Overpower the engineer,” she replied. “If we’re not going to get sued for this, we can really let go. We kind of need the relaxation. We’ve been jogging for days to catch up with this train.”

“Well. .”

“And we’ll drive the train back to Washington, too,” the leader of the burly girls said. “You probably want a rest yourself.”

“As a matter of fact-”

“Come on, Max, before they change their minds,” 99 said. She took him by the hand and drew him out of the lounge car and along the aisle toward their compartment. “We’ve worked hard,” she said. “We deserve a few hours off.”

“I suppose you’re right, 99.”

They reached the compartment and entered. Then sat down in the seats, facing each other. A few moments later, the sound of screaming came from the front of the train.

“I think we’re changing engineers,” Max commented.

99 nodded. “I feel so secure with those lady wrestlers in charge,” she said.

“Yes,” Max began, “I think from here on out, 99, it will be smooth-”

There was a sound like a puff of air. Then Max suddenly found a mule in his lap.

“99!” he shouted, shoving Madame DuBarry. “This animal got away from its keeper.”

“No, he didn’t!” the voice of the old prospector replied. “Here I am, right over here.”

“He’s on my lap, Max!” 99 reported.

“If you’re going to ride in this compartment, you’ll have to sit in the seats!” Max insisted. “What are you doing here, anyway?”

The old prospector and Madame DuBarry moved from Max’s and 99’s laps. The prospector sat alongside 99. The mule lay down on the floor between the seats. At the same moment, the train started moving.

“All ashore who’s going ashore!” Max said. “It was very nice of you to come to the train to see us off, but you better leave now. This train is on its way to Washington.”

“Yup!” the old prospector said. “Us, too. Me and Madame DuBarry.”

“Oh, no!” Max said glumly.

“Yup!” the old prospector said again. “After all these centuries-”

“Decades,” 99 corrected.

“No, it hasn’t been that long,” the old prospector said. “It’s seemed like it, though, sometimes. Anyway, as I was saying, after all these centuries of living the lonely life, searching for that long lost gold, we decided to kick up our heels and do a little livin’. So, we’re moving to the city.”

“There’ll be a lot of problems of adjustment,” Max said, trying to discourage them.

“We figure we’ll just stick by you and do what you do,” the old prospector said. “ ’Till we get the hang of it, that is.”

“And where will you stay?” Max said. “There aren’t many landladies in Washington who will rent to a ghost and a mule. Now, if you had an elephant with you- But a mule, these days, uh-huh.”

“That won’t be no problem,” the old prospector replied. “We figure we’ll just bunk with you. You got a place, haven’t you?”

“Well, yes, but-”

“Tit for tat,” the old prospector said. “We shared our long lost mine with you, so we figure you’ll be just as happy as all get-out to share your home with us. ’Cause you’re folks.”

“Well, yes, I guess we are, but-”

“Oh, Max!” 99 said. “It’s not the best way to start married life, sharing an apartment with an old prospector and a mule, both ghosts.”

“Look on the bright side, 99. It could be worse.”

“How, Max?”

“It could be a relative.”

99 tried hard not to look the way she felt.