William Johnston - Max Smart and the Ghastly Ghost Affair

“Hee-haw!”

“Yes, it is true that I won’t be able to haul you up. But, then, you’re a ghost. All you have to do to get out of here is disappear here and reappear somewhere else. Not being a ghost, however, I don’t have that advantage. And that’s why it’s so important for you to stand on that pile of pennies. Now, you just climb up there, then I’ll climb up onto your back. If it seems too complicated to you, don’t think about it. Just do it.”

“Hee-haw!”

“I apologize,” Max said. “I’m sure you’re a very intelligent mule.”

The mule snorted, then climbed to the top of the mound of pennies.

“Max, it works!” 99 said, surprised.

“I sort of resent that tone, 99,” Max said. “The mule didn’t doubt it for a minute.”

Max climbed the pile of pennies, too. Then he got up on Madame DuBarry’s back. Balancing precariously, he stretched, trying to reach the crack in the floor above.

“Max. .” 99 said hopefully.

Max sighed glumly. “I’m afraid not, 99,” he reported. “Just a few more inches and. . no, I just can’t reach it.” He sat back down on the mule. “I guess it’s back to sorting pennies, 99,” he said apologetically.

“Don’t get down yet,” the old prospector said. “Might be I can help. You sure you want to get out of here? It’s not too bad a life in this mine, you know. There’s hardly any traffic to speak of. And you never have to worry about accidentally falling into a mine-seeing as how you’re already in one.”

“Don’t get the wrong idea-it sounds lovely,” Max said. “But we have a duty to perform. And the only way we can do it is by getting out of here. If you can help, please do.”

“Okay. You asked for it.”

The old prospector walked around behind Madame DuBarry and gave him a swift kick in the tail. The mule bucked, raring up, and tossed Max straight up through the floor. There was a splintering sound as the planks shattered. Then there was a loud thump. Then silence.

“That elevator’ll give you a rough ride sometimes,” the old prospector commented.

“Max!” 99 cried, calling up through the hole in the floor. “Max! Where are you? Are you all right?”

Max’s face appeared at the rim of the hole. “I have a bruised shoulder all over, 99,” he said. “But I still appear to be in one piece.” He reached a hand down through the opening. “Get up on the mule,” he said, “and I’ll pull you out.”

“Do you see the KAOS assassins anywhere around, Max?” 99 asked, climbing up onto Madame DuBarry’s back.

“I haven’t looked yet,” Max replied. “But I don’t hear anything. In fact, it sounds ominously quiet up here.”

“That’s the mice,” the old prospector said.

“I haven’t seen any mice,” Max replied.

“We haven’t got any. That’s what makes them so quiet.”

“Oh.”

99 stretched, reaching up, and Max got hold of her hand, then hauled her up out of the mine. When they were both in the saloon, then looked back down into the tunnel at the old prospector and Madame DuBarry.

“Are you going to join us?” Max asked. “This will be the exciting part coming up. It’s where we good guys foil the bad guys. There’s usually a lot of action.”

“ ’Bout time,” the old prospector said. “But. . I guess I’ll just skip it. I’m not as young as I used to be. Too much excitement isn’t good for me.”

“What, exactly, could happen to you?” Max asked. “After all, you’re already-”

“Max. . don’t ask personal questions,” 99 whispered. “Maybe he’s sensitive about being you-know-what.”

“I don’t know why he should be,” Max said. “Nobody would even guess. He doesn’t look you-know-what.” He addressed the old prospector again. “This is probably good-bye, then,” he said. “We’re going to try to capture the KAOS assassins double-handed. Without the Coolidge-head penny, we have no way of communicating with the Chief. And, after we take them into custody, we’ll want to get them back to Washington as quickly as possible. That won’t leave any time for a formal farewell. So-”

“Max! They’re gone!”

“Yes. Disappeared,” Max nodded, rising. “Well, I don’t blame them. I guess you didn’t notice, 99, but I was sort of working up to a farewell speech. I figured if I wouldn’t have time later, then- But, fortunately, the old prospector saw what was coming and took appropriate action. Now, let’s you and I do the same thing.”

Max and 99 hurried to the door of the saloon. Then, cautiously, they peered out. The dusty streets were deserted.

“We’re in luck, 99,” Max whispered. “They’re probably all over at the hotel packing. Maybe we can take them by surprise.”

“I hope so, Max.”

They crept out of the saloon and carefully made their way toward the hotel, staying close to the buildings, moving slowly and warily, not wanting to make any unnecessary sound. A short time later, they reached the porch of the hotel. There, they stood silently by the doorway for a while, listening. But no sound came from within.

“They’re all upstairs!” Max whispered.

“Max. . do you suppose-”

“Shhhhh!”

Max motioned, then entered the hotel lobby and crossed toward the stairs, with 99 following close behind. When they got to the steps, they halted once more. Max pressed a finger to his lips to warn 99 to be especially quiet. Then, carefully, step by step, they proceeded upward. Soon, they reached the second floor. After a brief pause to take in a deep breath and let it out, they moved on to the first room. With great care, Max opened the door and looked in. The room was empty. He closed the door and they proceeded to the second room. It was empty, too. So was the third room, and the fourth room, and the fifth room, and-

“Max, all of the rooms are empty!” 99 said, ceasing to whisper. “They’ve gone!”

“Let’s not jump to conclusions, 99,” Max said, looking uncomfortable. “Maybe they all just stepped out for a minute. They’re probably all at the corner newsstand. Or perhaps-”

“Max, they’re gone!”

“They could be having breakfast in the dining room, 99.”

“But all the baggage is gone, Max. You mean they took their suitcases to breakfast.”

“Maybe they’re late. Maybe they have to catch a train. Maybe-”

From outside came the whistle of a train.

Then a voice called out. “ ’Board! All Aboard!”

“Max-the train!”

“Hurry, 99!” Max shouted, racing toward the stairs. “That’s our ride back to Washington!”

Max and 99 dashed from the hotel and ran up the street to the railroad station. Just as they reached it, they saw the conductor get aboard the train, then enter a car. Max and 99 jumped aboard, too. Max, with 99 right behind him, threw open the door of the car. Facing him, smiling cordially, was the conductor, who was pointing a pistol at him.

“Sorry,” Max said briskly, “but I’ve got to keep up the momentum. If I slow down, I’ll miss the beat, and then I’ll have to start at the beginning again-dum, dum, de, dum, dum, dum!”

On the final “dum,” Max swung his arm and delivered a karate chop to the wrist of the conductor. The gun clattered to the floor. As the conductor reached for it, Max dum, dum, de, dum, dum, dummed once more, and, at the same time, drove a knee into the conductor’s chest, flipping him over backwards. The conductor landed on his back-flat. From that position, he peered at Max Wearily, while Max picked up the pistol.

“Sorry, again,” Max said.

“Don’t apologize,” the conductor replied. “It was worth it to hear a great sound like that.” Then he collapsed, unconscious.