William Johnston: Max Smart and the Ghastly Ghost Affair

“Where to now, Max?” 99 asked.

“To find Arbuthnot,” Max answered, moving forward along the aisle, now in possession of the gun.

“But, Max, it’s a long train,” 99 said, following him again. “And we don’t know where he is.”

“Logic will take us to him, 99,” Max said. “We know he’s just concluded a grueling few days. This seminar has probably sapped every ounce of physical and mental energy he had. So, now, he’ll be resting. Or, as the railroad men say, lounging. Consequently, I’m fairly positive that we’ll find him in the lounge car.”

“Max, I think you’re probably right. But. . why are we going this way?”

Max halted. “To the lounge car, 99. I just explained that. Remember the part about every sap being grueled after all- No, I mean about-”

“Max, I know,” 99 broke in. “What I meant was, the lounge car is located in the other direction. You’re heading toward the engine.”

“Logic only tells where, it doesn’t tell how to get there, 99,” Max said. Then he turned and led the way in the other direction. “Now, when we get there and find Arbuthnot relaxing alone in the lounge car,” Max said, “I’ll rush in and overpower him and-”

“Max, you have a pistol now,” 99 pointed out.

“Oh.” He looked at the gun in his hand. “Yes, that’s right, I do. All right, then, I’ll saunter in and get the drop on him. Then I’ll order him to summon all the other KAOS assassins, and we’ll keep them prisoner in the lounge car until we get back to Washington. How does that sound to you, 99?”

“Who’ll drive the train, Max?”

“The train driver.”

“But he’s a KAOS agent, Max. Won’t he-”

“All right, I’ll drive the train, 99. It couldn’t be too difficult. I mean, there are those tracks to follow. And the route is probably very well marked.”

“But who will keep the KAOS assassins prisoner?”

“You will, 99. I’ll give you the gun and you- Oh-oh, here we are, 99. This next car is the lounge car. Stay here-I’ll go peek in and make sure Arbuthnot is in there.” Leaving 99, Max crept forward. When he reached the door of the lounge car he opened it a crack and looked in. Then he closed it and returned to where 99 was waiting. “This is going better than I expected,” he said. “We won’t have to get Arbuthnot to summon all the KAOS assassins to the lounge car. They’re all in there now.”

“Max! All of them? That’s an awful lot of KAOS assassins for just two of us to handle.”

“99, don’t worry. We’ve got the momentum going. Just keep up the rhythm and we can’t fail. Now. . ready? Dum, dum, de, dum, dum, dum!”

Max and 99 advanced to the door of the lounge car. Max repeated the beat-dum, dum, de, dum, dum, dum-then he flung open the door and he and 99 rushed in, catching Arbuthnot completely by surprise.

“Dum, dum, dum, de- Ooops! Uh, dum, de, dum- No, it goes, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum-”

Max had lost the momentum.

“Get ’em!” Arbuthnot commanded.

A KAOS assassin threw a block at Max, hit him across the mid-section, and drove him all the way out the door and several cars back. Recovering, Max threw a block at the KAOS assassin, hitting him more-or-less in the mid-section (around the ankles) and driving him all the way back to the lounge car. When they arrived, Max saw that 99 had been overpowered. So, alone, he tackled the entire group of KAOS assassins.

It was a short battle, however. Max raised an arm to karate chop Arbuthnot, hoping to gain a psychological advantage by putting the leader out of action. But at that same moment, hoping to gain an actual advantage, one of the KAOS assassins popped him on the back of the skull with the butt of a pistol, dropping him in the aisle. Surrendering to the logic of the situation, Max became immediately unconscious.

A few moments later, when Max recovered, he saw Arbuthnot standing over him, holding a gun on him. Max thought fast. “Watch out! That’s the gun I had!” he shouted at Arbuthnot. “All my germs are crawling on it!”

Arbuthnot stared at the pistol in horror for a second. Then he screeched and threw it into the air and ran to the KAOS assassin who was in charge of the spray bottle. “Spray me! Spray me!” he ordered frantically.

Max, meanwhile, leaped to his feet. He snatched the gun from the air. And by the time Arbuthnot had been disinfected, Max had taken charge, covering the KAOS assassins with the pistol.

“Max, that was marvelous!” 99 cried delightedly, breaking away from the KAOS agent who had been holding her.

“That’s very frank of you, 99,” Max replied. “Now, I’m sure these assassins have some tape or some rope around here somewhere. If you’ll just-”

There was a hissing sound from the front end of the train. Then the whole string of cars was suddenly jolted. Max and 99 and the KAOS assassins were all thrown off balance. The gun that Max had managed to regain went flying. Max and 99 and all the KAOS assassins scrambled after it.

“No! Don’t! Don’t touch it!” Arbuthnot screeched. “It’s full of germs!”

They all drew back, leaving the pistol in the middle of the aisle.

“Max, what are we doing?” 99 said. “ We’re not afraid of germs!”

By then, however, it was too late. The KAOS assassins had all drawn their own guns. And all of the guns were pointed at Max and 99.

“I suppose you’re wondering where that jerk came from,” Arbuthnot said to Max and 99. “That was my engineer.”

“He certainly is,” Max replied grumpily.

“He was practicing,” Arbuthnot went on. “Fortunately-for us-he always starts off with a jerk.”

“He certainly is,” Max said again.

Arbuthnot addressed one of the other KAOS assassins. “I’ll have a disinfected gun,” he said.

The assassin handed him a pistol.

“And now,” Arbuthnot said, speaking to all the assassins, “I will show you the one assassination method that I did not mention during the seminar. Normally, I wouldn’t be caught dead using it. It’s too crude. . too. . too. . uhhhhh! But, it does have two advantages-it’s simple and it’s quick.”

“He’s talking about just walking up to the victim and shooting him between the eyes,” Max explained to the KAOS assassins. “He’s right-it’s crude. But, if done well, it can be fascinating to watch.” He turned to Arbuthnot. “You do it well, I suppose.”

“Superbly.”

“Then, watch this very carefully,” Max said to the other assassins. “It will be worth seeing.”

“Max! You sound as if you’re looking forward to it!” 99 said.

“I always enjoy watching an expert at work.”

Arbuthnot raised the pistol and pointed it at Max, sighting straight between the eyes. “On the count of three,” he said. “One. . two. .-”

There was a distant rambling sound.

Arbuthnot frowned, and, lowering the pistol, said, “What was that?”

“Thunder, I think,” Max said. “Gee, I hope it doesn’t rain.”

“No. . it wasn’t thunder,” Arbuthnot said. He went to the door of the lounge car and opened it and looked out-then screamed. “Oh, no!”

The rumbling became a thundering. Then the burly girls who had been on the train earlier came stomping into the car. They set upon the KAOS agents, attacking them with fury and abandon.

Max grabbed 99 by the hand and they dived behind a lounge chair. From there, they watched as the lady wrestlers mauled the assassins. KAOS agents were everywhere, flying through the air, skidding up the aisle on their noses, necks, ears and other parts. KAOS agents crashed through windows and were hurled through doorways. KAOS agents were kicked, bitten, pinched, punched, and pulled and pummeled.