David Borgenicht: The Worst-Case Scenario Pocket Guide: New York City

Utilize feng shui.

Minimize clutter, decorate with bright colors, and hang numerous mirrors to maximize the feeling of openness and harmony. Store or throw away any possessions that are unnecessary. As many furniture items as possible should be designated “multi-use”: futon pulls out into bed, ottoman turns into night table, bathtub with plank of wood across it becomes desk.

Subdivide.

Place a bookcase in the middle of the space to give the illusion of multiple rooms; repeat several times until the apartment is divided into several tiny mini-apartments. Hang framed signs at the entrance to each “room,” with titles such as “Bob’s Room,” “Allison’s Room,” and “the parlor.” Put tape on the floor to demarcate various territories and provide directions.

Communicate.

Convene weekly roommate meetings to maintain an ongoing dialogue. Each roommate should keep a notebook to write down things that are bothering him. Share complaints and positive support at the weekly meeting. Encourage all roommates to use “I” statements to express their feelings in a calm, nonconfrontational manner.

• A rotating chore schedule for undesirable communal responsibilities: cleaning the toilet, taking out the garbage and recycling. Specify individual responsibilities: doing laundry, walking your dog, washing dishes, watering the plants.

• Financial obligations: who pays for what and in what proportion, including heat/electric/gas, rent, maintenance-related costs, and any shared food.

• A schedule for sharing communal resources: shower, kitchen, TV. If there are not enough beds or sofas for every person to have one, specify who gets to sleep at what times—and rotate.

Prioritize.

Proceed immediately to the exhibit or section of the museum that is of most interest. Then move to other parts of the museum. Do not wander. Utilize a detailed, annotated map and have a plan.

Block out all external stimuli.

Periodically remove audio tour headphones. Drop museum maps and exhibit catalogs. Shut your eyes and cover your ears with your hands. Hum vigorously to yourself until you have cleansed your sensory palate.

Lie down.

Be completely still and breathe deeply in and out.

Drink coffee.

Slowly consume one or more cups of coffee or other caffeinated beverage in the museum cafeteria. Stare at the table or into your beverage. Do not discuss the contents of the museum. Do not think museum-related thoughts. Sip your beverage.

Eat healthy snacks.

Leave the museum.

Sensory and cultural overload begins after 60 minutes and peaks at 90 minutes. Do not remain at the museum beyond this point.

Go shopping.

Clear your head with a value-free, noncultural activity such as shopping, riding the subway, or sitting in a park.

Return to the museum.

To catch the exhibit you missed, it is safe to return for half an hour after shopping.

1 Wear expensive shoes.

Do not dress sloppily or outlandishly in an attempt to be “unique” or “interesting.”

2 Go on a slow night.

Pick a night when fewer people will be trying to get in. In the summer, try a Friday or Saturday night. During all other seasons, go on a Monday, Tuesday, or Wednesday night. Avoid nightclubs during high-profile events such as Fashion Week (twice yearly) and the New York Film Festival (early fall).

3 Travel in a group.

Approach with no more than six people, including at least three women. The women should give no indications of being “taken,” such as holding hands with the men in the group; holding hands with one another is okay.

4 Remain calm.

Maintain a laid-back, sober attitude while in line. Do not be argumentative with the doorman, the club staff, or with passersby. Do not name-drop or otherwise try to bluff the doorman into thinking you are more important or interesting than you are. Do not attempt to bribe the doorman or bouncer for entry. Do not complain when others arrive and get in while you are waiting. Do not bring a book to read while in line.

5 Be casual when you do get in.

Nod calmly at the doorman as he waves you inside. Do not give anyone a “high five.” Do not begin dancing until you are on the dance floor.

Be Aware

To increase your odds of being allowed in on a subsequent visit:

• Don’t tell anyone you are from Jersey.

• Order full bottles rather than individual drinks. If there is a price for table service, or for use of a “VIP” area, pay it willingly. Tip at least 35 percent on each round of drinks and food; if possible, calculate the tip without reference to a calculator or wallet-sized tip card.

• If you see celebrities, do not ask for autographs or take photographs. Be polite but not overly flirtatious with the bar staff and cocktail waitresses

• Tip the doorman at least $50 as you exit the club.

• Scan online listings

• Hire real-estate agent or broker

• Bribe a building superintendent

• Encourage friends with desirable apartments to join Peace Corps, leave country

• Read newspaper obituary section

• Wander desirable neighborhoods in search of “FOR RENT” signs

• Become au pair /personal chef/butler

• Fall in love, move into partner’s apartment