Slava Brodsky - Funny Children's Stories

And so this man could not buy four ice creams. Even after he was gone, the military man could not calm down for a long time and kept saying that “many people just do not understand one simple thing: if you are told that you must not, then you must not!”

The old woman went away with her cart again. And again we all waited for a long time. Finally, she came with a full cart of ice cream again. And my mom said that because we stood there for so long, we would buy three ice creams, not just two. Then Dad would also have some ice cream.

She also said that it would be difficult to keep the ice cream frozen until we came back home. But she said that we would do our best. Because it was very cold outside. And in the trolley it should also be very cold.

When I realized that I would not have my ice cream for the next half an hour, something inside of me just dropped. And at that very moment, Mom looked at me and said that I should eat my ice cream right away, and we would bring the other two home.

When we brought home the ice cream, Dad said that his doctor told him not to eat ice cream and that I should eat his ice cream. Dad's doctor tells Dad not to eat a lot of stuff.

This year, in the spring, Mom brought home two tomatoes. She bought them at the farmer’s market since tomatoes are sold in regular stores only in the summer time. The tomatoes that Mom brought home from the farmer’s market were bright red and very beautiful. They looked magical.

And Mom asked Dad whether he knew how much she paid for these tomatoes at the farmer’s market. And Dad asked how much these tomatoes cost. And when Mom replied to him, Dad’s eyes widened.

And then he said that his doctor told him not to eat tomatoes. The doctor tells him not to eat many things. He tells him not to eat most fruits. Vegetables too. Not all of them, but many of them. And something else too. But I do not remember what.

So this was how I got my second ice cream. Mom gave Dad a bite of her ice-cream. And Dad took a few bites. But each time he bit off only a little piece because he did not want to disobey his doctor. And Mom gave Dad a hug and told me, “You see, our dad knows: if you are told that you must not, then you must not!”

Hot Countries

Today it is real winter outside and it is very cold. And I do not like it when it is cold. I especially do not like it when it is cold and windy.

In the winter, as soon as I wake up, I already know that it is cold and windy outside. That is why I hate to wake up in the winter. And when I wake up, I think only about one thing: that very soon I will have to go outside, where it is cold and windy. And I can think of nothing else.

In the morning, I drink a cup of tea and eat what Mom gives me. I listen to how she rushes me and says that I will be late for school again and that she wonders why I move so slowly. And she often tells me that it seems like I am fully frozen.

And so, I go out onto the staircase; I slowly crawl downstairs from our fourth floor and approach the double doors out onto the street. I open the inner door and right away, I hear the wind howling. And almost every time that I come between the inside and the outside doors, I am surprised at how cold it is there. And I am afraid even to think about how cold it must be there, outside the door.

I have to push the outside door open with my entire body. Either because its spring is too tight, or because of the wind, or maybe because of both.

And then, when I have already squeezed through the door, I still need to hold it with my foot. And when I let go of it, I need to dodge the door and make sure that it does not slam on me. And when the door closes, only then, at that moment, do I fully realize how bad things really are.

And worst of all is that it is still very dark outside. But when it is cold and dark, it is much worse than when it is cold and light. And while I am still inside our yard, it is not that cold. Because I still have my heat inside of me. But when I go out into the street, the wind starts to blow into my face hard and, most importantly, without stopping.

Of course I lower the earflaps of my hat and raise up my collar. But that does not help. The wind keeps blowing into my face, and my nose starts to freeze. Then come my cheeks. They start to freeze too. And the harsh and bristly snow flies right into my eyes.

And I forget that it is dark outside. I think only about the wind and the snow and do not even realize where I am going. But since I go there almost every day, my legs carry me where I have to go. And sometimes I ask someone, “Is there anything in the world that is worse than when it is dark, cold, snowing, windy, you are only twelve, and you are on your way to school early in the morning?”

But today, as I was going to school, I suddenly remembered the summertime and the river. And I remembered lying on the hot sand.

I lie on my stomach, with my head resting on my arms. I feel a little cold because I swam for too long and the water in the river was cold. And the water is dripping down from my nose. But then it stops dripping and I am fully dry. And I start feeling hotter and hotter. And when I get too hot, I get up and run to the river again.

As I was remembering all that today on my way to school, I thought that next time I will not run to the river, even when I become really hot. I will lie on the hot sand under the hot sun for a long, long time. I will bake myself under the sun. I will let its heat fill me completely. And I will lie for as long as I can stand it.

And when I feel that I can no longer be under the sun, I will still lie a little longer. Because I want to be hot. I want to be hot all the time.

Also today I was thinking about far away hot countries where there is no winter and it is always warm. And most importantly, we were told in school that such hot countries do exist. We were told that it is never cold in those countries but that life is not very happy there.

But I would go there anyway. I do not care. Because I cannot imagine how it could be bad where it is never cold. As for life being not very happy there – I would learn to live with that.

* Pood is a Russian unit of mass approximately equal to 36 international pounds.

* Offensive remarks toward people other than Russians (like the one made by the principal about pygmies) are quite common in Russia.

** Another offensive remark – “big nose” – towards Jewish people in Russia.

* It seems that the boy and his parents lived together in the same room.

* One kopeck is the smallest Russian coin. For comparison: the cost of a local call from a public phone was 15 kopecks at that time.

* The father of the boy was obviously making fun of some propaganda slogan of that time.

* Romantic relations between students and young teachers were (and probably are) quite common in Russian schools.

* A two is a non-passing grade in the Russian “two to five” school grading system, comparable to an F in the American grading system. A three is a minimum passing grade. A four is a good passing grade. A five is the highest grade, comparable to an A in the American grading system.

* One meter is a little bit longer than one yard.

* Russian children often call middle-aged women aunt.

* The Ukrainian language is pretty close to Russian. That is why for many Russians, Ukrainian sounds like broken Russian.

* All private mail in Soviet Russia could be opened and inspected by KGB agents.

* In Soviet Russia, a knock on someone’s door in the middle of the night most likely meant an arrest.

* Being considered an educated person was neither honorable nor safe in Soviet Russia. For this reason, it was a shame to get good grades in school.