Slava Brodsky - Funny Children's Stories

Actually, it really is a great pleasure when a person can play it well. However, so far, I cannot play too well. Of course, now I play much better than before, when I just drew my bow across open strings. Then I would get dizzy and nauseous. Once I even fainted. But now it is not as disgusting.

But for whatever reason, no one really understands how people learn to play. Every time guests come to our house, one of them always remembers about me and asks me to play the violin.

They probably think that I will play Zigeunerweisen or Monti’s Czardas for them. But I cannot play Zigeunerweisen and I cannot play Czardas. I can only bring in my music stand, place sheet music on it, and play something boring.

Now, for example, I can play the etude of Kreisler for them. Then all our guests will immediately fall from their chairs. And they will fall from their chairs because I cannot play the etude well. I am still only learning it. And I have already forgotten what I played on last year’s exam. Although, honestly, I probably could play from the sheet music what I played last year. But no one knows where that sheet music is.

But of course I cannot explain this to our guests. In the past, I tried to explain such things to them. But they would only say that I was behaving like a real artist. And it was both offensive and funny. And by the way, I do not understand why they would mention a real artist.

Now I do not even try to explain anything to our guests. I just tell them that I do not want to play. When they start to insist, I say that I want to go to the bathroom. And that is always the truth. Because as soon as the first guest remembers about me and the violin, then right that second, I really need to go to the bathroom.

Sometimes I wonder why I want to go to the bathroom when I play the violin. Why do I not want to go to the bathroom when I eat ice cream? This idea is very far from my mind when I eat ice cream.

Maybe I really do not like to play? No, that is not true. I do like to play the violin. My mom is right, I am very lucky to be learning to play the violin.

Actually, I am the only one who is that lucky. In our yard, no one plays the violin. And not just the violin. No one plays anything. While I practice, all other boys are out in our yard.

And I do not even know why no one plays violin. Maybe everyone in our yard is tone deaf? No, I seriously doubt that. The other kids’ parents probably did not realize in time that it is a great joy to be able to play the violin.

That must be it! That is why all other kids are out in our yard while I practice. Probably, only my parents were clever enough to recognize that to play the violin is a great joy. And a great, enormous pleasure.

Rhododendron

I got a two in botany. Our assistant principal teaches botany in our school. She recently called on me to tell the class about rhododendrons. And when she called on me, she pronounced it “rhododerdons.” She always says “rhododerdons.” And I always want to laugh when she says it like that. But I keep it to myself because I know that if I laugh, she will expel me from school.

Our botany teacher pronounces many words in a funny way, not like everyone else. She stresses the wrong syllable in the word “Israel.” And she makes this word sound very insulting.

She sounds even more insulting when she talks about Americans. Though, in our school, everyone talks insultingly about Americans. But our botany teacher says it in a funny way. She skips the first letter in the word “Americans.” She just pronounces it “Mericans.”

My friend, Gleb Paramonov, mimics her and says, “The Mericans have bloated bellies from starvation while their Merican president drinks Coca-Cola and plays golf!” And that always sounds very funny.

And so our botany teacher called on me to talk about rhododendrons. I started to sketch a rhododendron on the right half of the blackboard. And someone from our class already finished drawing on the left side of the blackboard and began to explain the drawing. By the time he finished speaking, I had finished sketching my rhododendron.

And then everything happened very quickly. Our botany teacher turned to me and asked what I was going to talk about. And I said that I was going to talk about rhododendrons. I pronounced it the usual way. And I looked at her. She looked at me and said, “Sit down. A two.”

When I came home from school and told my mom that I got a two in botany, she could not believe it. She began questioning me about what happened in class. And I replied that I talked about “rhododerdons” – I pronounced it like our botany teacher pronounced it.

But Mom asked me not to clown around. And I said that I was not clowning and that our botany teacher said it that way. Then Mom began to question me on all the details. Finally she said she did not believe it.

When Mom said that she did not believe it, I just burst into tears. It was not like they started to flow down my face – they just sprayed from my eyes. And then Mom said that I misunderstood her. When she said that she did not believe it, she did not mean that she did not believe me. Of course she believed me. She just could not believe that it actually might happen.

And I said that it was the same thing – not to believe me or not to believe that it actually might happen. But my mom explained to me that when people said that they could not believe something, they often meant that it was just difficult to believe in something. And Mom said that she meant that it was just hard to believe that such a thing could actually happen. She added that tomorrow she would go to school and sort things out.

Next day Mom did go to school to sort things out. When she came home, I began asking her what happened there. But Mom was saying things I could not understand.

Then Dad came home. And Mom started to tell him something quietly. But I still heard that Mom said that she asked our assistant principal, “Why are you yelling at me?” Finally, Mom said to Dad that our assistant principal was just plain stupid.

But Dad added that her being “stupid” was not the worst of it. The worst of it was that she was a bitch and a KGB agent. And Mom looked at me in fear. Since she understood that I heard it, she said to Dad, “Why are you saying such rough words?”

Dad did not reply and only looked at the wall. “Why do you say these things in front of the child?” Mom added.

And here Dad started to say things to Mom so that I was able to hear everything. He said that our assistant principal had been trying to chase Maria Lvovna out of the school and would have done it a long time ago if the principal had not stood in her way.

And again Mom asked Dad, “Why do you say all this in front of the child?” But she did not say it like she said it the first time. Now she sounded very uncertain.

And here Dad stood up from his chair and said very loudly, “Because I want our child to know that the assistant principal is a bitch and a KGB agent,” and left the room.

I was really surprised to hear Dad say all these words. Because before that, I only heard such things when Dad whispered them to someone. But now he said it aloud, and it seemed like he did that for me. And I was only surprised why no one reminded me that I should keep my mouth closed.

But then Mom raised her eyes at me and said, “You know…” And of course, I confirmed that I knew everything. I knew that it was not necessary to tell everyone what we discussed at home. And I also said that I wanted to go out to the yard to play. And Mom replied to me, “Yes, I know that you are all grown up. Go play, of course.”

As I ran downstairs, I thought to myself how lucky I am that Mom and Dad are my mom and my dad. And when I ran out to the street, I forgot that my mom asked me not to slam the door so loudly that everyone else in our house could hear it. And the door slammed, of course. And most likely everyone in our house heard it. And I think that everyone in the house next to ours heard it too.