Slava Brodsky - Funny Children's Stories

The Black Day

Our neighbors bought a TV. Their TV looks like something out of a fairy tale. It does not have a big screen: just ten by fourteen centimeters.* But when there is no static, you can see everything just perfectly.

I think that we are very lucky that our neighbors bought a TV. They invite us over sometimes if an interesting movie is on.

Just yesterday they invited us over to watch a movie called “Circus.” I knew that Dad was dying to see this movie. And I even knew why. I heard a conversation between Mom and Dad. And from this conversation, I learned that some scene was edited out from this movie. And Dad really hoped that this time it had been added back in.

But the problem was that children under fourteen were not allowed to watch this movie. And if I did not go to see the movie, then Mom would not go too. Then it would turn out that Dad should not go either.

Well, Dad started asking why in the world children under fourteen were not allowed to watch the movie. And Mom said to Dad quietly, through clenched teeth, that there was nothing bad about the movie. And since the child did not understand anything anyway, she did not object to me watching this film.

But since Mom was speaking very quietly, Dad asked her to say it again. Then I asked Mom why she still treated me like a child. And at that point, Mom gave Dad THE look as if to say that even the child has understood everything already while Dad still kept asking questions.

Anyway, we went to our neighbors to watch the movie. Mom brought with her a piece of the pie she baked yesterday. And the reason she baked the pie was because we ran out of money. When we run out of money, Mom always declares it a black day and bakes pies.

She declares a black day as a joke, but we do run out of money. Not as a joke. But since Mom’s pies are always very tasty, I like Mom’s black days. And Mom’s black days actually turn out to be not so black.

The day before yesterday, Dad and I already knew that a black day was coming. The day before yesterday, Mom told us that we had run out of money and she was going to borrow twenty-five rubles from our neighbor until next payday.

Of course Mom was not going to borrow money from our next door neighbor. Mom was going to borrow money from the neighbors who bought the TV.

I think that our next door neighbor does not have money at all. And this is why I think so. Mom was once peeling potatoes in the kitchen. And the neighbor asked Mom whether she was throwing away the peels. And when Mom replied that she did throw away the peels, the neighbor asked for the peels to be given to her instead. So my mom started to give the peels to our neighbor. And the neighbor told us that the peels are no worse than the potato itself and maybe even healthier.

And so, Mom decided to borrow twenty-five rubles from our other neighbor. But when Mom saw her in the kitchen, the neighbor herself asked my mom whether she could borrow twenty-five rubles from my Mom until next payday. After that Mom declared that we had to have a black day.

And then Dad asked Mom how it happened that Gogol had run out of money.*

And I know why Dad asked about Gogol's money. On payday, Mom divides all the meal money into equal sums and hides them in Gogol's book. She puts money for the first day of the month on page 10, money for the second day of the month she puts on page 20, and so on.

Since yesterday was the seventh day of the month, Dad asked why there was no money on the seventieth page of the Gogol's book.

And Mom explained to Dad that she had neither the time nor the desire to shop every day for the same stuff. Therefore, she often bought some things to last for the next few days. And therefore, she sometimes had to take Gogol’s money from the next pages.

And before Dad could object, Mom asked him whether he knew how much a kilogram of meat costs. Dad replied that he did.

But Mom said she doubted that Dad really knew that. And she doubted because had Dad known that, he would not have asked Mom why we ran out of money.

Dad said nothing. But it became clear that he absolutely and completely agreed with Mom.

And Mom, certainly, understood that. And Dad understood that Mom understood everything that he did not say. And I, of course, understood everything that my dad did not say and that my mom understood.

And so we went to see the movie. And at the end of it, my dad saw what he wanted to see. And he was terribly pleased by that. He looked at the TV screen and whispered, “Mikhoels, Mikhoels.” *

I was also happy to see the movie. And I also saw what I wanted to see. I mean, the reason that children under fourteen are not allowed to watch the movie.

The Trick

There is a tradition in our yard. It is called “fly away, my coin.” This tradition is pretty cruel. And I cannot tell my mom about it because if I told her, she would probably never let me go out to the yard.

Though, I have to say, worse things happen in our yard. Once, my skull was punctured by a rock. So I was bleeding. And I got stitches in a hospital. But afterwards my mom still let me go out to the yard.

I even told my mom about the knock-knocker. And the knock-knocker, if you think about it, is also pure hooliganism.

One of our boys makes his way up to the roof. There, he ties one end of a coarse thread to something. Then he attaches a small stick to the other end of the thread and ties a small pebble in the middle of the thread.

After that, he throws the stick down from the roof. And we pick this stick up. Then we sit down somewhere on the pavement. And no one can even imagine that there is a thread tied between us and the roof.

And so, we begin to pull and let go of the thread. And the pebble, which happens to be near some window, starts to knock at that window. And almost immediately someone looks out the window and tries to see who is knocking.

As soon as this person comes to the window, we pull on our thread. We pull on our thread so that this person sees nothing. And when he walks away from the window, we begin to knock on the window again. And of course, it always ends up being very funny.

Many other things happen in our yard. And I always tell my mom about them. But I have never told my mom about the coin, and I will never tell her about it.

The tradition with the coin consists of having everyone pee on the newcomer. And everyone pees not just a little bit but in full force. So that the newcomer ends up being completely soaked.

As soon as someone new comes to our yard for the first time, we ask him right away whether he wants to see an interesting trick. The newcomer, of course, wants to see it and only asks what this trick is about. And we answer that the trick is called “fly away, my coin.” And immediately someone takes a handkerchief out of a pocket and someone else brings a coin.

So, three boys and the newcomer stand in a circle, stretch out the handkerchief, with each holding a corner of the handkerchief by his teeth. The newcomer also has to hold his corner of the handkerchief by his teeth.

This way, the handkerchief is stretched out between them. They put the coin on the handkerchief and tell the newcomer to do only one thing: to constantly repeat “fly-away-my-coin, fly-away-my-coin.” And then, they say, the coin will fly away.

And all begin to chant “fly-away-my-coin, fly-away-my-coin.” Well, of course they cannot say “fly-away-my-coin” because they are holding the handkerchief with their teeth. So they are only able to say something like “ly-aney-na-noin, ly-aney-na-noin.”

What goes on beneath the handkerchief, the newcomer does not see. Because the handkerchief obscures the view. He is only too glad to howl together with the rest, “ly-aney-na-noin, ly-aney-na-noin.” And in a couple of minutes, everyone scatters and only then does the newcomer realize what happened.