Holmes Patricia - Girlology - A Girl's Guide to Stuff that Matters

• You can’t get pregnant if you don’t have sex. Pregnancyin middle school or high school is not what most girls want or need.

And finally we’re just going to sound like girlfriends(we are female and we do care). More good reasons to delay sexual activity are:• Young guys aren’t typically interestedin the relationship as much as they are interested in getting sexual experience or pleasure.

• Many young guys don’t feel the same emotionalattachment with sex that girls typically feel. The emotional part seems to come at a later age for guys.

• Teen boys can be great friends, but they are often awkward or self-centered when it comes to sex and making girls enjoy the sexual experience. They make themselves feel good, but they don’t really understandhow to help you feel good and enjoy sex.

It’sa Big Deal!

Sex is a big deal.It can be awesome with the right person, but it takes a mature relationship that most girls don’t experience until they are adults, so why waste it?

So what do you do in the meantime? The wait can be fun!Once you have a romantic interest, someone you trust and want to be with, you’ll need to decide how far you will go. If the intimate feelings are there, there are lots of different things you can do to physically enjoy each other or to show affection.

There are some risk-free thingsthat are fun, like holding hands, hugging, giving a back rub or shoulder massage, and playing with each other’s hair. Things like this allow you to spend time comfortably together without feeling pressured to do sexual things.

There are some activities that are more intimate but still not so risky,like kissing. Some teens can kiss for hours without going any further. Before you even think about going further, spend some time perfecting your kissing skills. That can be fun.

The thing is, once you go past the kissing stage, it can be really, really, really hard to stop!Your body is made so that all the touching gets you more and more sexually excited. In fact, when men and women plan to have sex, that’s exactly what they do to get their bodies ready for sexual intercourse. Remember the foreplay stuff?

So if you don’t want to go all the way . . . some types of touching, massaging and kissing each other’s bodies is really confusing. Your brain knows that you have decided not to have sexual intercourse, but you are doing things that make your brain want to tell your body to go for it! See how important it is to decide when you will stopbefore things get all hot and heavy?!

HowDo You Decide?

Setting your sexual boundaries is important, really important. It puts you in control of your body, your emotions and your relationships. It’s one of those choices that can be tough, but if you stick to your boundaries,you can be proud at the end of the day (or night).

The time to decide on your boundaries is:• When you have time to think• When you have a chance to discuss itwith trusted adults and friends, if you want to • Beforeyou get in a sexual situation • Maybe even beforeyou have a boyfriend The time to decide on your boundaries is not: • Before you have time to think • When you feel pressured by a boyfriend or your girlfriends • When you are already in a sexual situation (like heavy kissing or touching)

Now, down to the specifics! Look at the following list and spend some time thinking about when you think the activity will be okay for you. When Is It Okay To . . .

• Hold hands?• Go out together in a group?• Hug?• Kiss on the lips?• Go out on a date alone?• French kiss?• Let your boyfriend touch your breasts through your clothes?• Let your boyfriend touch your bare breasts?• Touch your boyfriend’s penis?• Undress in front of each other?• Have oral sex?• Have sexual intercourse?• Have a baby together?

Some of these are easy answers. You can hold hands with your boyfriend any time, risk free! Other answers are tough and will be unique to your values and comfort level.

With most of your boyfriends and evenwith some guys you think are true loves, you’ll never get to a lot of the things on this list, and that, my friend, is good!Many of these things should be reserved for adult, real, live true loves and some for the person you marry.

What’s Okay When?

You have to ask yourself:• What is healthiest for my body?(Check out the “we’re sounding like doctors” list on.)• What is healthiest for my emotions?(Check out the “we’re sounding like parents and girlfriends” lists on.)• What things will I do with a crush?A boyfriend?• How do I knowhe’s a crush? A boyfriend?• What will I do with a true love?• How do I knowhe’s a true love?• Will I save somethingspecial for marriage?

Boyfriends and crushes are pretty easy to figure out. They give you that twitterpated (did you ever see Bambi ?), butterflies-in-the-stomach feeling, even though you may not know them well (or even know them at all!). True loves can be trickier.You have the same butterfly feelings about a true love, but you also have to know a true love well. You have to share values, time and experiences together.

Believe it or not, you may think you have many “true loves” in the next ten years. You might think one’s a true love, but then you get to know him better and find out things you don’t like. Or maybe you just develop a crush on another guy, and suddenly your former “true love” doesn’t give you the butterflies anymore.

That’s all okay. Just remember that when you decide what sexual things you will do with a true love, if it’s too much, too soon, you’ll just end up embarrassed and feeling disappointed. We don’t know any girl or woman who has ever regretted waiting to have sex.But we see tons who are disappointed and mad at themselves for having sex too soon with someone they thought was a true love but didn’t turn out to be the one. Chances are you will not end up marrying the boyfriend you have at age fourteen, so wait it out. Get to know what you like and don’t like in a relationship, but save the sex for much later.

It’s Too Late for Me

What if you’re reading this thinking, “Oh, great. This doesn’t even apply to me. I’ve already let a guy touch my breasts/touched a guy’s penis/had sexual intercourse. I didn’t have a good plan before, and now I’ve blown it.”