Jeff Strand - Graverobbers Wanted - No Experience Necessary

I wondered how the killer would react to the news.

And then I brightened. Since The Apparition probably hadn't expected to spend the rest of his evening dead, maybe he hadn't gone to the trouble of covering his tracks. His truck was outside, and maybe he was even carrying a wallet. There might be a clue yet!

THE APPARITION was not carrying a wallet, and a thorough search of his truck provided nothing of interest...with the exception of a little black book containing the killer's phone number.

Chapter 14

IT WAS lying there right on the seat. I quickly flipped through the book and concluded that The Apparition didn't have much of a social life—most of the pages were blank. There were listings for eight different pizza places, as well as addresses and phone numbers for Michael Ashcraft, Dominick Griffin, Linda Hanson, Rachel Mallory, FarleySoukup , and CarlUnderall .

There was also one number, written on the bottom of the "A" page, without any description. I went back inside Michael's house and called it.

After three rings, somebody picked up, but didn't speak.

"Hello?" I said.

Silence.

"Is anybody there?"

A click, then a dial tone.Okay,itwas kind of inconsiderate to be calling at this time of the night/morning. I would've hung up, too.

Less than a minute later, while I stood around trying to decide what to do with The Apparition, Michael's phone rang. I picked up the receiver and said nothing.

"Hello, Andrew," said the computer-generated monotone.

"Hi, Chuckles. How's ithangin '?"

"How did you get the phone number you just called?"

"It was the weirdest thing. I was trying to call OswaldHankensnorker's Psychic Connection when my fingers slipped and I got you.Small world, huh?"

"Where's The Apparition?"

"He's safe, for now. But if you want to ever see his cute little beard again, I think we need to talk."

"We are talking."

"And I appreciate it. So, what do you think of a trade? I give you your buddy, you give me the prisoners?"

"He's not my buddy."

"Okay, then I'll give you your faithful employee, how about that?"

"Let me speak to him."

"No can do," I said. "He's kind of unconscious at the moment."

"What makes you think I care what happens to him? Go ahead and kill him."

"I didn't say I was going to kill him. But I'll bet you anything that once I start turning his life into an episodeofGhoulish Delights he'll lead me right to your place. Why not save us the mess?"

"You overestimate how much he knows."

"I bet he knows enough."

"Then get it out of him. Do you have any spiders handy? He hates spiders. Put a tarantula down the back of his shirt and he'll tell you anything."

"Well, thank you so much for the helpful hint. If I should happen to find a tarantula lying around I'll be sure to try it."

"It's almost time for me to hang up," said the voice. "When you start torturing The Apparition, tell him I said hi. You're doing fine work, Mayhem. Keep it up."

"Look, I've just about had it with your crap."

"Too bad.I have more crap to give you."

"Well, I'm getting pretty close to the quitting point. I want to know what the hell I have to do to make you let those people go."

"The same thing you've been doing, except that there's a new rule now. Don't visit any of our homes. You do, the prisoners die. By the way, I wouldn't want you to waste your valuable time, so I'll say right now that the phone number you called goes to the same cellular phone you used earlier. It's under Jennifer's name."

He was one heck of a fast typist. "Well, you're just filled with helpful tidbits tonight, aren't you?"

"Here's one more. You'll get another tape tomorrow. If you thought the last one was bad, this one will have your brain leaking out of your ears. Good night."

The killer hung up. I redialed the number and let it ring about twenty times before giving up.

AFTER SOME thought, I took the lazy route and decided to leave Michael's house the way it was. The Apparition could just sit there taped to the chair being dead. I was eventually going to have to tell the whole story anyway, so there was no sense in covering my tracks, and it's not like he was a fine, upstanding member of the community who deserved the best care upon his untimely passing. Let him stink up the place.

I couldn't get Reverse Snowflake to come out from under Michael's bed, so I made sure he had plenty of food and water. I couldn't adopt him, for fear that he might shred my children, but I decided I'd make sure he found a good home after this whole thing blew over.

I left The Apparition's truck in the driveway and walked back to my own car. It was still there, so I drove back to Roger's place, borrowed a blanket and an alarm clock, and stretched out on the couch to get a couple hours of sleep.

THE ALARM went off at the unholy hour of five-fifteen. I got up off the couch, staggered around for a moment wondering what planet I was currently residing on, then used Roger's shower. The soap didn't jolt me into a state of euphoric alertness like the commercials said it would, but I felt a bit more human.

During my shower, I came up with a plan. Not necessarily a good plan.Possibly a very bad plan.Definitely a risky plan.Sort of a pray-your-instincts-are-right-because-otherwise-you're-100%-screwed plan.But a plan nevertheless.

I woke Roger up by dropping a few cubes of ice on his chest. Once in college when he'd been extremely hung-over I'd used an entire cooler's worth to wake him up, but now that we were mature adults a few cubes were sufficient. Theresa and Kyle weren't any more keen to get up than Roger had been, but I eventually got them dressed and into my car. The kids were too sleepy to even engage in much combat on the way to the gym, but once we pulled into the parking lot they both perked up.

"Ooh! Ooh! Can I play on the treadmill if they have one?" asked Theresa.

"Probably not," I told her. "I need both of you to behave and not get in anyone's way. These people aren't here to havefun, they're here to get in shape."

"I'm in shape," said Kyle, flexing what existed of a muscle.

"You sure are, Hulk. Now if you behave yourselves, we'll have pizza for lunch."

Is the frequent use of bribery to control behavior the sign of a bad parent? As soon as the killer was apprehended, I was going to have to work on that.

I'd explained to Roger that his job was to sit in the car and watch for anything remotely suspicious, particularly if it took the form of any Ghoulish Delights employees. He had no problem with that, probably because it didn't involve hanging around a graveyard for a few hours.

We went inside. "Are you a member?" asked the man behind the front desk. He had biceps that looked like a bowling ball had been surgically implanted in each arm, and gave me a look that showed he considered himself very, very strong while he considered me very, very weak.

"No, but I'm here to see Rachel Mallory."

"You should consider the benefits of membership. A strong, healthy body goes a long way toward protecting one's children."

"Wow!" exclaimed Kyle, dragging his attention away from the pictures hanging on the wall long enough to notice the man. "Are you Hercules?"

The man favored him with a nod. "Yes I am." To me, he said, "Membership is only thirty dollars a month, and carries with it the benefit that young children mistake you for Hercules. What do you say?"

"We'll see how things go with Rachel," I said. I noticed that Theresa was looking a bit starry-eyed, so I waved my hand in front of her face to being her back to reality.

"Hey, Rachel!" the man called out. "Some guy is here to see you!"

Rachel walked into the lobby, wearing a blue spandex uniform that really showed off her athletic physique. "Wow!" exclaimed Kyle. "Are youXena , Warrior Princess?"