Jeff Strand - A Bad Day for Voodoo

“I want to know that you’re not just yanking me around.” “Listen, Zeke—”

“Don’t call me Zeke.”

“That’s what’s on your card.”

“I don’t care.”

“What should I call you?”

“Don’t call me anything! You don’t have to use people’s names to talk to them! We’re not trying to bond! And it’s been more than sixty seconds.”

“No, no, don’t do it. Believe me when I say that there isn’t enough Windex in the world to clean up the mess if you aren’t careful with that doll! Please, just tell me what you want. We’ll get it. I promise.” “I want one million dollars.”

“I can’t get you a million bucks. Not gonna happen.”

“One million dollars, or I shove this doll into a meat grinder.” I was willing to bet he didn’t even have a meat grinder handy, but I didn’t try to call him out on the fib.

“I’m sixteen years old. Where am I gonna get a million dollars?” “That’s not my problem.”

“Well, it is your problem, because you’re asking for something I can’t give you. This whole thing started when we didn’t have enough money to pay your fare!”

“Then you’d better come up with a good offer, kid.”

“You’ll go to prison,” I said. “I’ve got your business card right here. They’ll know you did it.”

“What, you think I’m going to get arrested for jabbing pins into a doll? Seriously? What kind of an idiot would worry about going to jail for voodoo?”

“I can get you five hundred dollars,” I said.

“I want a hundred and fifty thousand.”

“Can’t do a hundred and fifty thousand. I can get you six hundred.”

“A hundred and twenty-five thousand.”

“Seven hundred.”

“One hundred thousand even.”

“Seven hundred and fifty.”

“I’m not going lower than one hundred thousand.”

“I’m not going higher than seven hundred and fifty-five.” “Then I guess that’s the end of the doll.”

Kelley grabbed the phone out of my hand. “Zeke? This is Tyler’s girlfriend. Do you know anything about this kind of negotiation? You have to ask for an amount that’s within the realm of possibility, or else you’re just wasting everybody’s time. I don’t like having my time wasted. When I feel like my time is being wasted, it makes me want to get rid of those who are wasting my time, understand? No? Okay, I’m sorry.” She listened silently for a moment. “Yes, we can do that. Yes, we can be there. Thank you.” To me, she said, “We’re going to deliver ten thousand dollars in thirty minutes. If we call the police, you’re dead. We’re meeting him at the junkyard. Cool?”

“Uh...”

“Cool?”

“We need more time.”

“Thirty minutes. That’s perfectly fine, right?”

“Yes, that’s fine.”

“Good.”

“Don’t hang up.”

Kelley handed the phone back to me. The voodoo doll issue was taken care of, except for having no possible way of getting that much cash that quickly, but we still had the problem of the Basers. Mildred and Glenn were watching me closely. I didn’t think they’d just let us casually walk out of their home.

“Zeke?” I asked, forgetting the don’t-call-me-Zeke rule. “Yeah?” Apparently he had forgotten about it too.

“In the meantime, I need you to create an aura of destruction.” That sounded pretty intimidating, right? I know that if I thought there was an aura of destruction in effect, even if I wasn’t sure exactly what that meant, my behavior would be much more cautious.

“A what?”

“Yep, exactly. Right now. Using voodoo, the one true religion.”

“What are you talking about?”

“Let’s go with burning flesh. The more charred, the better.” “Huh? What?”

“I’ll let you decide that one.”

“You’re confusing me.”

“Be creative.”

“What?”

“And painful.”

“I truly don’t know what you’re talking about,” said Zeke. “Is somebody else there? Is this some kind of fake-out?”

“Fifteen seconds will be fine,” I said. I hung up the phone and handed it back to Mildred. “Thanks.”

“Fifteen seconds for what?” she asked.

“For the aura of destruction,” I said, giving her just a hint of a smile. Or at least that was my intent. Despite my attempts to maintain a cool demeanor, my voice was all shaky and squeaky, and my face was twitchy because of, y’know, the whole shredded right ear thing. So it was probably less a hint of a smile than a grotesque grimace of agony.

“What’s that?”

“It’s part of the same power that blew up my ear,” I said. “You should never have let me call Zeke, because now everybody in this house is under its spell. If you negatively impact my aura, your flesh will burn.”

“It’s true,” said Kelley. “Black and crispy.”

“I don’t believe you,” said Mildred. “What does it even mean to negatively impact your aura?”

“You’re starting to do it right now.”

Mildred flinched.

“I don’t want to turn you and your family into burnt-out shells, but I’ll do it,” I warned her. “I’ll cook you like a hot dog.” “You’re bluffing,” said Glenn.

“You think so?” I pointed to the mess of my right ear. “Just know that this could be your face.”

“Except burnt,” said Kelley.

“Right,” I said.

“What do you want from us?” Mildred asked.

“All we want is for you to let us go,” I said.

“And your car,” Kelley added.

I nodded. “And your car.”

“Not a chance,” said Glenn.

“Really?” I asked. “Are you saying you don’t believe me? Do you think I came in here with a fake ear strapped to the side of my head that I could pop on cue?”

“It wasn’t on cue,” said Glenn. “You were obviously very surprised when it happened.”

“Right. So.. .you know it was real then.”

“I’m not doubting that your ear exploded. I’m doubting the aurora of destruction.”

“Aura.”

“What’d I say?”

“Aurora.”

“I meant aura. The first part of the call was clearly somebody blackmailing you with a voodoo doll, but it doesn’t make sense that somebody who was blackmailing you would then turn around and do you a favor. If there’d been two separate calls, I might buy it, but you’re asking us to accept a pretty big flaw in logic if you want us to believe that the blackmailer has also been nice enough to set up an aura of destruction.”

“He knows that if we die here, he’ll never get his money,” I said, thinking as quickly as you can when you suspect that part of your brain may actually be starting to leak out of your ear hole. “He didn’t do it out of kindness; it was a business requirement.” “But you said it like you were asking a favor of an administrative assistant or something,” said Glenn. “The two conversations didn’t naturally flow into each other. Again, I’m not doubting that the damage to your ear happened exactly how you claim, but I think the rest of the conversation was completely one-sided and that we are in absolutely no danger.”

“Okay,” I said. “That makes sense. I’ve always felt that when you’re at risk of your body burning from the inside out, you should err on the side of caution, but I’m not going to tell you how to live your life.”

Kelley lunged forward a bit, fingers curled into claws. “Bad aura!”

Glenn let out the most girlish scream I’d heard since that time earlier in the day when I’d let out my own girlish scream.

“I still don’t believe you, but you’ve proven your point,” he said. “We’re not giving you our car.”

“Bad aura!”