Jeff Strand - A Bad Day for Voodoo

They were both wearing pajamas, which I guess wasn’t too weird, even though it was only about eight o’clock. I mean, if you’re not planning to go anywhere, you might as well be comfy.

Mildred’s smile faltered. “It is polite to introduce yourself when meeting strangers for the first time,” she said.

“Oh, I’m so sorry,” said Kelley. “I’m Kelley, with two e’s.” “Where are the e’s?” Glenn asked.

“One before the two l’s, one after the two l’s.”

Glenn seemed to go over that in his mind. “Ah. Nontraditional spelling, I see.”

“It’s not that uncommon, but yeah, a lot of people get it wrong.” “I’m Adam,” said Adam.

“Adam, eh?” asked Glenn. “I guess we’d better make sure to keep you away from our apples!”

Mildred, Glenn, Donna, and Franklin all laughed.

“But that doesn’t mean he can’t have some of my delicious homemade apple pie!” said Mildred.

“Oh no, we wouldn’t deny anybody that!” said Glenn. “That would be far too cruel!”

“And I’m Tyler,” I said, giving them a friendly wave. “I’m the one who’s hurt.”

“Oh, you poor dear,” said Mildred, stepping out ofher doorway and looking down at my foot. “That is a grotesque injury, isn’t it? Well, come on inside, and we’ll get you all disinfected.”

“I don’t want to get blood all over your floor,” I said. “If we could borrow your phone, we’ll just wait outside.”

I noticed that Donna was giving Adam the kind of look that a guy like Adam didn’t get from many (also defined as “any”) women. This really surprised me, considering the vast chasm between their levels of physical attractiveness. I’m not trying to be superficial, but c’mon, there are societal norms.

“Now don’t you worry about our floor,” Mildred told me. “Everybody has blood, so I’d be a pretty darn big hypocrite if I judged you for yours. It’s not like you’re going to go around rubbing your foot against our antique furniture, right?”

“No, that wasn’t my plan.”

“Well, then it’s settled. Come on in, all three of you, and get out of that humidity,” said Mildred, beckoning for us to walk into their house. “Franklin, get our guest a towel.”

Franklin was giving Kelley the kind of look that she got on a regular basis. Not quite a look that said, Give me the word and I’ll bash your boyfriend over the head with a shovel and then we can slap our tongues together for six or seven hours, but at least one that said, Yeah, baby, yeah. You know you want some of this. Sashay that cute body over here and come get yourself a big ol’ slice of pure Franklin.

I did not approve of this look.

This whole family kind of creeped me out, but as long as they had a phone, I wasn’t going to run away screaming quite yet. Adam and Kelley walked inside, and by the time I joined them, Franklin had already fetched me a nice, fluffy purple towel.

Mildred crouched down and tied it around my foot. “Don’t you worry about staining our towels. We’ve got more. You just bleed as much as you’d like.”

“Thank you.”

“We’ll get your wound cleaned out in just a tiny short minute.

In the meantime, you three youngsters sit down and relax. Everything will be fine.”

We sat down on the soft white couch in their spacious living room. The walls were decorated with religious items, and when I say “decorated,” I mean that if you took a digital photograph, there would not be one square pixel of their wall that wasn’t covered with something religious.

But it wasn’t only one religion. Christianity, Judaism, Hinduism, and countless others were represented, including a bunch that I didn’t even recognize. It was like the ultimate religious smorgasbord. There was also a framed picture of “Weird Al” Yankovic, who apparently had a religious cult in his honor.

“I like your decor,” I said.

“Does it make you feel comfy?” Mildred asked.

“Yes,” I said, even though it made me feel the exact opposite. “Are you interested in religious studies?”

“Oh no. Like I said, we’re Basers.”

“Basers?”

“Only dead people know what awaits them in the afterlife. Could be heaven or hell, could be reincarnation, could be maggots. If it’s maggots, there’s really not much we can do, but if it’s anything else, intelligent people take advantage of the wide variety of theories and cover their bases. Basers.”

I tried to send powerful brain waves in Kelley’s direction: Please don’t start a religious debate with this family.. .please don’t start a religious debate with this family.. .please don’t start a religious debate with this family.

“Sounds like you’re being very thorough,” said Kelley.

“As thorough as we can be,” said Glenn. “It would be a huge bummer to put in all of this time and effort only to find out that the winner was some religion practiced by a tribe of six in Southern Australia.”

“A mega-mega bummer,” Kelley agreed. “Can we use your phone?”

“Who would you like to call?” asked Mildred.

“A friend to pick us up,” I said.

Mildred continued to smile as she shook her head. “Oh no, darling. I don’t think so.”

“Can Adam come in my room with me and watch TV?” asked Donna.

Adam’s eyes widened. He looked suddenly excited, because he didn’t get to watch TV with hot girls very often, and also worried, because we all knew that Donna probably wanted to feast upon his beating heart.

Mildred folded her arms in front of her chest. “Now, Donna, what have we discussed about being presumptuous?”

“He’s been looking at me the whole time,” said Donna with a pout.

“No, I haven’t,” Adam insisted, stammering a bit. “I’ve been looking at my friend’s bloody foot.”

“Liar!” said Donna. “You can’t even see the blood through the towel.”

“Donna! You mind your manners. You’re not too old for the wrench.”

“Fine,” said Donna. “I didn’t want him anyway. He’s dog-ugly.”

“I don’t know what’s gotten into you lately,” said Glenn, “but this attitude is going to stop in two shakes of a lamb’s tail. You apologize to this young man. He is not dog-ugly by any stretch of the imagination. No, he’s never going to be on the cover of fashion magazines, but how many people are? He carries off the gawky look better than most people your age. Say you’re sorry.”

I honestly thought she was going to resort to being a six- year-old and say something like “I’m sorry you’re dog-ugly.” But she didn’t. Her apology was simple (“Sorry”) and seemed sincere.

“It’s okay,” said Adam.

“So can I take him to my room?”

“Not tonight, dear,” said Mildred.

“Oh, I don’t see that there’s anything wrong with them watching some TV,” said Glenn. “She did apologize.”

Donna hurried over to the couch, grabbed Adam’s hand, and pulled him to his feet. “C’mon, let’s go!” she said.

“I, uh, shouldn’t.” said Adam.

“Adam!” said Kelley.

“I can’t,” said Adam. “I need to stay with my friend. He’s hurt.”

“He’ll be fine,” Donna assured him. “Mom found a squirrel once whose tail had been pulled off, and she cauterized the hole right up.”

Adam gave another halfhearted protest, and then Donna quickly led him out of the living room and down a hallway. We heard a door open and then close. Kelley just sat there, her jaw hanging open.

“If Donna gets Adam, then I get Kelley,” said Franklin.

“Objection!” I said.

Yeah. That’s what I said. “Objection.” I’m embarrassed to

even have to type that. Don’t you wish you had somebody like me to defend your honor?