Jeff Strand - A Bad Day for Voodoo

“But we’ll drive you where you need to go. It’s a minivan. We’ve got plenty of room.”

“Yeah, I saw that in the driveway,” I said. “It’s kind of like the one my aunt has.”

“We enjoy it.”

I looked at Kelley. She nodded.

“That’s fine,” I said. “Now let’s go get my friend out of your daughter’s room.”

“Are you quite sure you want to do that?” Mildred asked. “Yes.”

Mildred and Glenn glanced at each other, then shrugged. “Oooookaaaay, if that’s what you want.”

CHAPTER 20

Can you believe it? We’re more than two-thirds into this story. Unless you’re one of those weirdos who always skips ahead to the two-thirds point of a book, I’d like to take this opportunity to thank you for sticking with me this far.

Some of you may be reading this book for school. Not as an assigned reading project like Lord of the Flies or Animal Farm , unless you have the coolest teacher ever, but maybe for a book report. Which means that around this point, you’re probably sweating and thinking, Aw, man, did I ever pick the wrong book! There’s no literary value at all! How am I going to write a report on this thing?

Don’t worry. I’ve got your back. I’ve crammed examples of everything your teacher wants to hear about into this one chapter. Pretty sweet, huh? Stephenie Meyer wouldn’t do that for you.

The four of us (Franklin was still unconscious) walked into the hallway. As I stared at Donna’s bedroom door, I couldn’t help but think that when I opened it, I would bear witness to a horrific sight. [ Foreshadowing .]

The hallway was eerily silent like a graveyard at midnight. [Simile.] [Also cliche .] It was the spookiest hallway that had ever existed in any house at any point in recorded history. [Hyperbole.] I [narrator] was a quivering bowl of jelly [metaphor] as we walked down the creepy crawly corridor [ alliteration ].

“This hall reminds me of The Shining,” I said. [Allusion.] [Actually, that’s probably more of a reference than an allusion. An allusion would be more subtle, like if I’d said, “I feel like I’m about to walk into Room 217.”] [It’s Room 217 in the book and Room 237 in the movie. They changed it because the hotel where it was filmed had a Room 217 but not a Room 237, and they didn’t want to use a real room number, I guess because they didn’t want guests to worry about a scary, naked old woman rising out of the bathtub.]

Our footsteps squeaked like a mouse. [ Personification .] [Poor writing .]

I noticed that Kelley still had a piece of my ear on her shirt. It seemed to represent how I hadn’t listened to her. [ Symbolism .] I [hero] [sort of] reached Donna’s door and thought about how you shouldn’t mess with forces you don’t understand [theme] and also about how my head and foot would feel better if only I had a cool, refreshing, raspberry ice tea Snapple [product placement ]. I scratched the lightning-shaped scar on my forehead [ shameless rip-off of more successful authors] [quote unquote homage], thought about what I was going to post on MySpace [outdated social media reference that fails to connect with readers] and then opened the door. It was truly a horrific sight.

This chapter is kind of short, but a couple of earlier chapters ran long, so I think it’s okay to cut this one off here.

CHAPTER 21

Adam screamed again. “Tell her to quit nibbling so hard!”

My (former) best friend without clothes was truly one of the most horrific sights I’d ever been unfortunate enough to see. I wanted to throw back my head and let out a shriek of terror that would forever reverberate through these walls.

You saw that coming, didn’t you?

You’ve been reading all this time thinking, Adam’s not in any physical danger. It’s all a big fake-out, and when Tyler opens the door, he’s going to write about it like it’s this shocking moment, but it’s only Adam naked.

I wish that were true. Unfortunately, the first two paragraphs of this chapter were a lie.

Adam lay on the bed, still wearing his jeans but no shirt. His eyes were filled with terror. And Donna had what looked like a pizza cutter, and she was rolling it up and down his chest, leaving red lines.

Black candles were everywhere, creating a creepy atmosphere and a fire hazard.

There was a dead chicken on the floor.

Also a pentagram.

And a bowl filled with, if we want to pretend that the ghastly horrors of the world don’t exist, red paint.

What are you even supposed to say when you stumble into that kind of environment? Standing there for a moment in stunned silence works, which is what we did, but what about after that? Are you supposed to say, “Hey, this is wrong,” or is that pretty much a given?

Adam wasn’t handcuffed or tied down or anything, which was kind of odd. Usually if somebody is slicing up your chest with a pizza cutter, you try to get away.

His arms were at his sides, and he was shivering. He looked sort of paralyzed.

Kelley expressed my thoughts: “What the hell?”

“Excuse me, hello, you ever hear of knocking?” asked Donna. She glared at Kelley and me then addressed her parents, “I thought you were going to kill them.”

“Your father and I decided against human sacrifice for the night,” said Mildred.

“Well, that’s lame.”

“Let him go,” said Glenn.

“I’m not holding him down. He’s free to leave whenever he wants.” Donna scooted away from him.

“Uh-huh. And I’m sure you didn’t inject him with the paralyzing spider venom.” Mildred sighed. “What dosage did you use?” “The small one.”

“Are you sure?”

“Yes, I’m sure! I know where to fill the hypodermic needle! Stop treating me like I’m a baby!”

“Well, put on your shoes. We’re going out.”

“To Chick-fil-A?”

“No.”

“We never go to Chick-fil-A anymore!”

“And we’re never going back if your attitude doesn’t improve,” said Glenn. “Your mother said to put on your shoes. We need to take these people to meet somebody very important.”

“You’re really letting them live?”

“Yes. I already said that. Your mother and I don’t like having to repeat ourselves.”

“But they’ve seen our faces! They know where we live! They’re looking at me right now with a pizza cutter in my hand! We can’t just let them walk out of here with their heads still on!” “They’re not walking anywhere. We’re driving them. Don’t make me tell you again to put on your shoes.”

“You cut off most of his ear! You can’t let somebody go after you cut off most of his ear! You guys are stupid!”

“Not that we owe you an explanation, but we didn’t cut off anything. His ear exploded. Exploded. From the power of voodoo. We taught you about voodoo, remember?”

“Yeah, you poke a doll and somebody’s leg hurts. So what?” “‘So what’ is that this young man has somebody holding a voodoo doll hostage, and that’s why his ear exploded. How popular do you think you would be in school if your ears exploded?”

“I don’t know. It might look kind of badass.”

“That’s enough!” said Mildred. “Young lady, as long as you live in our house, you will respect our rules, and when we say that there will be no human sacrifices tonight, well, that’s exactly what we mean.” She looked more closely at Adam. “He’s going to survive, right?”

“Of course he’s going to survive. You didn’t give me enough time to cut him deep.”

“Why aren’t you putting on your shoes?”

“I’m going to put on my stupid shoes! Jeez! Why are you guys always so testy? How come you never yell at Franklin to put on his shoes?”