Diana Richardson - Tantric Sex for Men

too well, ejaculation usually marks the end of the sex act. As we come, we finish, at least for the

present moment. Research has revealed that the universal average time of sexual engagement is

between two and two-and-a-half minutes. Some men are able to extend the time to fifteen minutes,

others to half an hour, or perhaps even forty-five minutes.

Enjoyable as these extra minutes definitely are, they are not really sufficient for a man to channel

his vitality into a woman, and to have it received by her and returned to him. A man’s ultimate

fulfillment lies in being bathed in a woman’s love, in overflowing radiant response to the love made

in her. Man gives to woman who receives, and then woman gives to man who, in turn, receives. A

reciprocal cycle of giving and receiving comes into play.

The truth is that if man wishes to make love for longer stretches of time and reap the true benefits of

sex, then the level of excitement has to be drastically reduced and ejaculation consciously postponed.

EXCITEMENT CAUSES PREMATURE EJACULATION

Stimulation and excitement almost always end up in ejaculation. Yet at the same time it is a challenge

to try to imagine sex without excitement. How would it look? What are you “doing” instead? Sex

without excitement sounds like a contradiction in terms. Our impetus for wanting sex in the first place

is precisely for sensation and intensity. After all, isn’t that what sex is about?

Whether or not this is true for you, it is valuable to examine the role of excitement in conventional

sex and perhaps come to the final conclusion that although excitement may be a great pleasure, too

much of it can short-circuit the system. Facts are facts.

The basic problem doesn’t lie with excitement per se, but rather with our sexual goals and the

ways we manage the excitement. We begin sex with a strong intention, deliberately stimulate our

bodies and genitals, and increase the level of intensity until there is a peak and overflow. These

tactics basically produce too much heat, usually more than man can handle, so he boils over and

discharges his life force, thereby unconsciously disempowering himself.

Sexual Fantasy Increases Excitement

Sexual fantasy is an accepted aspect of sex because it increases excitement. Fantasies in conventional

sex are, in fact, a great help, but it is perhaps accurate to say that usually we are having sex with our

minds, not with our bodies. We are unquestionably using our bodies, but we’re not really

understanding the way they are designed to function. Fantasy is a direct product of the mental powers

of the imagination, and our bodies are forced to comply and satisfy the demands of our insatiable

minds. As an example to show how sex and mind are connected, we remember a friend who told us

that she had suffered an injury to her lower spine. This disturbance caused numbness and lack of

sensitivity in the genitals over a period of several months. She couldn’t feel a thing in her sexual

organs. Nonetheless, she felt extreme desire for sex during this time. Finally she was forced to realize

that the source of her sexuality lay in her mind, not in her body.

The mind is extremely powerful, but there are consequences to embracing fantasy as a sexual

strategy. Fantasy is undeniably tied to excitement, which is tied to premature ejaculation; the three are

linked together. Fantasy increases stimulation and excitement levels (as do all types of sexual aids),

which in turn produce chronic premature ejaculation.

Many people depend on fantasy and excitement for their sexual responses and in order to reach

orgasm. The pornographic film industry is reportedly much larger than the mainstream film industry,

and there are stripper bars in every major city in the world. Fantasy is an imagined situation; you are

not with the person in the spirit of togetherness, sharing a mutual experience. You are mentally absent

and not present, which results in the same consequence as focusing on the goal of orgasm; you are

ahead of yourself or out of yourself. In both cases the mind, not the event itself, is the trigger. The

mind wants orgasm and creates fantasy to satisfy its desire.

Staying Cool in Sex

If you want to avoid short-lived sex, it helps to heed an interesting folk aphorism: “A little is good,

but more is not better.” In the case of excitement this advice holds true; a little excitement is good, but

more excitement is not better. Maybe more brings more pleasure and intensity, but if we wish to

change, it’s helpful to recognize the outcome of such behavior patterns.

In order to experience longer exchanges we need to cool down the sex act. A little excitement is

fine, nothing is wrong in it, but then relax and take it easy. A retreat participant once shared his

experience of having his thirty-year-old premature ejaculation problem vanish overnight, once he’d

discovered the key of avoiding getting overexcited and remaining cool.

A style of sex that is cool and simple is more sustainable. It extends, expands, and increases the

attraction between the bodies. The accepted cultural ideal is that sex should be as hot as possible, an

approach that virtually guarantees premature ejaculation. Sooner or later excitement burns out, we

take each other for granted, and boredom takes up residence. Boredom is natural; anything repeated

again and again becomes a boring experience. Whenever the newness is lost, boredom takes its place.

Excitement is triggered by the unknown, the newness of a situation, but the newness quickly wears off

and the initial attraction burns up in the flames of excitement. Often couples report that after periods

of heavy sex they experience a kind of physical repulsion and complete loss of interest in sex for a

while.

SENSATION REDUCES SENSITIVITY

One significant by-product of excessive stimulation is that the penis becomes less and less sensitive.

The more sensation to which the penis is subjected, the less sensitive it becomes. The same is true for

the vagina. The repeated rubbing action of the penis within the vagina (or in the hand during

masturbation) desensitizes both the penis and the vagina.

Repetitive in-and-out movements create friction between the tissues, which causes heat and a

charge. After sex, a residue of tension remains in the body. This accumulates over time, and

eventually the penis becomes subtly overcharged and tougher, and therefore less sensitive and less

perceptive. Quite often the erect male penis feels unnaturally dense, hard, or even metallic to the

touch. This rigidity reflects the tensions held in the tissue of the penis. Sensitivity is reduced, and a

man loses the ability, capacity, and power to feel into the actual tissues of the penis. The penis itself

loses inner vitality and consciousness, from its root all the way up to the radiant head. It forgets its

slithering, supple, flexible nature that renders it capable of winding up and down inside the vagina

exactly like a snake.

At the end of a retreat several years ago, a scientist who had participated told us that the loss of

sensitivity in the face of intensity of stimulation had been scientifically proven in the second half of

the nineteenth century by German physiologist Ernst Weber and physicist and psychologist Gustav

Fechmer. Their research, formulated as the Weber-Fechmer law, is the theory of the relationship

between stimulus and experience. Their research showed that the change in intensity of a sensation