Diana Richardson - Tantric Sex for Men

great lover . . . and both are unsatisfied. There is no need to pose anything. It is a very silent prayer. Making love is

meditation. It is sacred, it is the holiest of holies. So while you are making love, go very slowly . . . with taste, taking

in every flavor of it. And very slowly: there is no hurry, no need to hurry, enough time is there.

OSHO, TRANSCRIBED TEACHINGS,

THE OPEN SECRET

1

MALE BURDEN OF PERFORMANCE

Sex plays a central and crucial role in the life of a man from his early years onward, and remains

significant regardless of whether a man is often having sex, seldom having sex, or not having sex at

all. Since sex is pivotal to life, there are underlying aspects to the act that get hidden from sight, never

brought into the light of day to be examined or questioned. Scratch the surface a little, however, and

surprisingly soon men will start to express their feelings. Most men freely admit they would like to

have sex more often, yet again and again they share with us in our seminars that as important as sex is,

it is also experienced as a burden and a form of stress, which is sometimes subtle, other times not so

subtle. The pressures implicit in sex can become a source of anxiety, which gives rise to a sense of

insecurity and a lack of self-confidence.

When a man first gets together with a woman there is considerable pressure to be a good lover;

perhaps he will even attempt to be the best lover this particular woman has ever had. There are many

expectations, and the stakes are high. First, there has to be an erection, which is not guaranteed even

in the most ideal situation, as we all know. Next, if and when the erection happens, it has to be

maintained for as long as possible, which means that a certain level of stimulation and excitement is

required. At the same time the man is praying that he doesn’t ejaculate too quickly, at least not before

the woman has her orgasm. And if everything works out just right, maybe it will even be possible to

have an orgasm at the same time.

There are so many variables involved in the process that it is easy to get lost in the midst of

monitoring and orchestrating the situation to best effect. At the beginning of a love affair a man’s

stress and performance anxiety are usually more obvious to him (but hopefully not to her), since he is

more directly confronted by his wish to be successful. But after a while, as the relationship begins to

unfold and assume a more day-to-day familiarity, his anxieties about performance temporarily bury

themselves under a comfortable sexual routine. Even when a man is not consciously aware of his

insecurity in sex, he nonetheless carries the emotional tension around with him each and every day of

his life.

And in truth, the bottom line is that a woman can criticize a man about many things—being a lousy

cook, a bad driver, unsuccessful at work, or even a miserable father. These criticisms are not easy to

receive, but somehow they are manageable. But when a woman dares to criticize our sexual behavior,

when she brings our performance into question, the words hit home and touch us at our most

vulnerable place, rattling our male ego. To be not appreciated or valued as a lover can be very

difficult for a man to digest.

RELAXING INSTEAD OF PERFORMING

Whether we are aware of it or not, much of our personality, identity, and self-perception is rooted in

sex and in how we perceive ourselves as sexual beings. Sex also acts as a confirmation of our power

and potency, thereby becoming connected—consciously or unconsciously—with pressure and

performance in an attempt to prove our true value and worth.

Men who begin to experiment with a relaxed style of sex, as outlined in the chapters ahead, say it is

an unbelievable relief to have the stress taken out of sex. All the big-time action that is

unquestioningly accepted as part of sex simply falls away, because there is no longer a need for it. To

relax in sex a man needs to be encouraged to abandon the idea that he, as the man, is 100 percent

responsible for the quality of the shared sexual experience, whether it is very good, quite good, or

unsatisfactory. In place of carrying the overall responsibility for the sexual interaction, which

involves tremendous effort on his part, the man can discover how to simply b e in sex—intensely

present, in the here and now—and explore a more relaxing style of sex that does not include

performance, effort, or tension.

Removing the Goal Removes the Pressure

In exploring a new style of sex, it is very helpful to shift our awareness from “doing” to “being.” In

order to alleviate performance pressure—the doing—the first step is to remove what we perceive as

the goal. Generally the goal of sex is to have an orgasm. This goal of orgasm, which is the experience

that usually makes people want to have sex in the first place, is what creates pressure. As we make

love our deliberate intention and efforts are directed toward achieving that final end—a climax of

heightened intense pleasure that lasts for a few short seconds.

There are significant disturbances that result from making orgasm the basic goal of sex. At the very

outset, the focus on trying to get to the finish naturally causes us to get ahead of ourselves. This is true

for men and women alike. If you pay attention you’ll notice that your attention is more focused on the

next penetration than the one happening right now in the present. Interest is generally in what lies

ahead, what is coming next, and not what is occurring in the moment. The next penetration is more

enticing because it brings us one step closer to the grand finale. We are unconsciously more focused

on the future, so while the body remains engaged, there is little or no awareness of or in the present

moment. We are following the mind with its specific ideas about how sex should go, and we are not

tuning in and listening to the wisdom of the body.

Men often report wanting to have sex more frequently, but don’t know how to make this happen.

Many have lost confidence in reaching woman and have little clue as to how to get her more

interested in sex. In our teaching we see how long-term issues like these begin dissolving in an

extraordinarily short span of time—and only because of the non-goal-oriented, conscious style of sex

we propose. During our retreats, we usually begin to see encouraging signs of response within

individuals and between couples within two to five days. It is an honor to witness this miracle every

time, like a shift from dark into light and from fear into love. All the barriers and problems that

people arrived with begin to dissolve, and couples find a fresh sexual track leading to new

dimensions, uncharted territory, and unlimited love. That it happens so easily is both astounding and

reassuring.

Change Your Mind to Change Your Body

A shift of the kind experienced by our participants is possible only because the mind has reoriented to

view sex and love from a diametrically opposite perspective. Without great effort you find you are

indeed actually “making” love, and finally giving the expression its true meaning. When we stay

present during lovemaking we naturally create love.

The solution appearing before us is quite simple—or so it seems! If we all change our minds about