Andrea Dworkin: Mercy

because He could have turned to look somewhere else because

it didn’t take so long and time for God must be different and it

must have been just a small minute for Him to turn away. O r if

He had to go to India or somewhere maybe He w asn’t there. I

sort o f thought He was there but I couldn’t believe that H e’d

ju st sit and watch because that w ouldn’t be right and God has

to do things that are right. M aybe He turned aw ay but maybe

He was there. M aybe He looked. I thought He was there, I

didn’t feel alone, but I couldn’t stand to think He had ju st

looked so I stopped thinking it but the only w ay I could stop

thinking it was to think that probably God didn’t exist anyw ay

and was only a superstition and there was no God the same

w ay there were no space creatures. I lectured m yself that I was

a child and I was going to grow up even though I didn’t want

to anym ore and someday I would understand w hy it was less

bad if I w asn’t a child unless the adults were just lying, because

adults lie a lot to children I had found out. M aybe they were

lying about God too and maybe there wasn’t one. I sort o f

thought God had been there though. The theater was em pty

but it didn’t feel em pty and there’s a special kind o f dark that

feels like G o d ’s in it, it’s got dots o f light in it all dancing and

sparkling or it’s almost thick so it’s just all surrounding you

like a nest or something, it’s something alive and you’re

something alive and it’s all around you, real friendly, real close

and kind as if it will take care o f you. I was so excited to be at

the movies by myself. I thought it was a very great day in my life

because usually I would be fighting with my mother and she

wouldn’t let me do anything I wanted to do. I had to play with

children and she didn’t like for them to be older than me but all

my real friends were older than me but I kept them secret. I

had to go shopping with her and try on clothes and go with her

to see the wom en’s things and the girls’ things and there were

millions o f them, and they were all the same, all matching sets

with the dressy ones all messed up with plastic flowers, all

fussy and stupid, and they were so boring, all skirts and

dresses and stupid things, little hats and little white gloves, and

I could only try on things that she liked and I wanted to read

anyway. I liked to walk around all over and go places I had

never seen before and I would always try to find a w ay to

wander around and not have to shop with her, except I loved

being near her but not shopping. N o w she was going on a big

trip to Lits, the biggest department store in Camden and

almost near Philadelphia, right near the bridge, and I loved to

be near the bridge, and I used to love to have lunch with m y

mother at the lunch counter in the giant store because that

wasn’t like being a child anymore and we would talk like

girlfriends, even holding hands. So this time I asked if I could

go to the movie across the street while she shopped and come

back to Lits all by m yself and meet her when the movie was

over and instead o f fighting with me to make me do what she

wanted she said yes and I couldn’t believe it because it made

me so happy because she didn’t fight with me and she had faith

in me and I knew I could do it and not get lost and handle the

money right and get back to the store on time and be in the

right place because I was mature. I had to act like a child but I

w asn’t one really. She wanted to have a child but I had been on

m y ow n a long time so I had to keep acting like a child but I

hated it. When she was sick I was on m y own and when I was

with relatives I was alone because they didn't know anything

and when she was in the hospital or home from the hospital I

did the ironing and I peeled the potatoes and once when she

couldn’t breathe and fell on the kitchen floor and it was late at

night and m y daddy was w orking I called the doctor and he

told me to get her whiskey right aw ay but I didn’t know what

whiskey was or how to find some so he told me to go to the

neighbors and I did and I got her whiskey and I ran like he told

me to in the dark at night and I took care o f her and made her

drink it even though she was on the floor dead and the doctor

said i f not for how calm I was she would have died but I w asn’t

calm and I wanted to cry but I didn’t. I thought she was dead

and I stopped breathing. I had already lived in lots o f different

houses and you can’t act like some normal child even though

everyone wants you to be just normal and they don’t want you

to feel bad but you have to be grown up and not give them

trouble and they never know what is in your heart or what you

really think about because their children are normal to them

and you aren’t their children and their children don’t know

about dying or being alone so you have to pretend. So I was

grow n up inside and acted grow n up all the time except when

m y mother was around because she wanted to have a child, a

real child, and got angry i f I didn’t act like a child because it

upset her to think I had got grow n up without her when she

w asn’t there because she wanted to be the mother o f a real

child. When I forgot to be a child or didn’t want to be I made

her very mad at me and very unhappy and she thought I was

trying to hurt her on purpose but I w asn’t because I loved ju st

being near her, sitting near to her when she drank her coffee,

and I was so proud once when I had helped m y daddy shovel

snow and she let me drink some coffee ju st like her. I loved her

hair. I loved when she talked to me about things, not telling

me what to do but just said things to me about things not

treating me like a baby. I loved when she let me go somewhere

with her and her girlfriends. I loved even when she was sick

but not real sick and was in bed for many days or sometimes

many weeks and I was allowed to go in and visit her a little and

sit on the bed and watch television with her and we would

watch “ The $64, 000 Question, ” and we were both crazy for

Charles Van Doren because he was so cute and so intellectual

and we rooted for him and bit our lips waiting for him to

answer and held hands and held our breath. Then I had to leave

her alone because I had tired her out but I felt wonderful for

hours after, so warm and happy, because m y mother loved