Andrea Dworkin - Mercy

to come out and she doesn’t like me anymore, and I cry, I am

going to cry until I get old, I am crying for God to see, I am

afraid the man will come again because he came from nowhere

the first time and he disappeared into thin air and if he is from

outer space he can go anywhere or maybe he followed me like

they do on television and I couldn’t see him because he hid

behind trees and cars and God would know if he had followed

me and maybe God could stop him from finding m y room or

it could be like when someone is killed on television and you

think he is dead and then it gets all quiet and he isn’t dead and

he attacks again with a knife or a gun or he is real strong and it

is real quiet but suddenly he appears from nowhere so I cry but

I keep m y eye on the door so I will be alert in case he is just

pretending to be gone but really he sneaked inside the house

and he is ju st waiting or he could come in the w indow ; and

something hurts me like when you fall down and scrape your

knees and the skin is all scraped o ff and it is all bloody and has

cuts in it and dirt in it and your mother cleans it o ff and puts

iodine on it and says it w o n ’t hurt but it burns and she puts a

bandage on it; something hurts somewhere where he rubbed

but I don’t look because I’m afraid and I keep m y hands away

because I don’t want m y hands to touch me and I don’t want to

touch anywhere in m y legs because I’m afraid; and I couldn’t

say something was hurting because I didn’t know if something

was hurting or not or where it was because maybe I was

making it up because it hurt like a scraped knee but it hurt

somewhere that didn’t exist. I wanted God to see me crying so

He would know and it would count. I asked God if there were

men from outer space on earth because He knew if there was

life on other planets but He didn’t answer me; and I knew there

weren’t but I knew He could have made them if He wanted to

and I knew people only had two hands and I didn’t know how

many hands this man had and I couldn’t figure it out no matter

how much I tried because if he was rubbing in some places

how could he be rubbing in so many places and I couldn’t

count how many places and if he was from outer space he

could come into my room now through the air or anytime

from nowhere. I wanted God to tell me the truth because I was

afraid. I was trying to tell God I was hurt because I thought

God should know and let me stay in m y room and keep the

man away and I wanted to stay in my room a long time, until I

got old, and I wanted God to keep my mother away because

she didn’t like me anymore and I didn’t want to take o ff my

bermuda shorts or show her any more and I didn’t want her to

look at me anymore, and I thought God should know I needed

Him and where was He? I thought maybe the man wasn’t a

bad man because they said nothing happened after all and I

looked grown up so how could he know I was just a child and I

wasn’t sure if he thought I was a child or not because I did look

very grown up and act very grown up but I told him I was a

child and he should go away but I said it in a very grown-up

way. I cried because they said nothing happened and because I

didn’t know if the man knew I was a child and I cried because I

wanted God to know something had happened and I was a

child and I wanted God to say w hy it was less bad if I wasn’t a

child because I was still the same me if I was or if I wasn’t. And

for the first time I didn’t want to be grown up because all the

adults said it was less bad. I cried because I didn’t see how it

could be less bad; and if I grew up were men going to be

putting themselves on me in movies only it wouldn’t be bad

because I wouldn’t be a child anymore. I cried because God

was busy somewhere else and didn’t come and if I cried He

w ould know I was hurting so much somewhere that didn't

exist and He could find it because He lived somewhere that

didn’t exist and He would know what I meant even if I

couldn’t say it and I w ouldn’t have to point here and here and

here and so I kept crying in case He didn’t know yet that He

should be coming to me now even though people were sick

and hungry all over and He had to see them too. I used to talk

to God, especially when m y mother was sick and in the

hospital and m y daddy had to be w orking so hard all day and

all night and God would be pretty near me, in the same room,

near me, and I wanted to know things like w hy anyone had to

die or be poor or starve in China, and if China was real or ju st a

story adults made up, and w hy colored people were treated so

bad, and w hy so many Jew s were dead; and I can’t remember

what He said but I always thought someday I would

understand if I kept trying to pin Him down and maybe I

could convince Him not to have things be so bad; and I had

complicated discussions with Him about w hy He made things

the w ay He did, because I didn’t think He did it right, and I

wanted to be a scholar when I grew up and write things about

what God meant and intended and He would listen to m y

questions and arguments but the adults wouldn’t; and I heard

Him inside m y head, and it was like He was in the room, but it

was never scary and it always made me peaceful even though I

thought He hadn’t done things completely right and I would get

calmed down and quiet even when I had been begging Him to let

m y mother get better or at least not die. I talked to Him a lot

when m y mother was in the hospital for an operation that might

kill her and they told me she might die right then and I had a high

fever and appendicitis and a rash and the adults told me I had to

tell her over the phone that I was all right because she must not

w orry and die and I knew it was wrong to lie, especially because

she might die right then or that night or the next day,

and my last words to her would be lies, and I wanted to cry to

her, but the adults said I wasn’t allowed, and it didn’t matter if

God said it was wrong to lie if adults said you had to lie because

you had to do what adults said not what God said. Y ou had to

be careful not to tell anyone you talked with God because they

might think you were crazy and you had to make sure n ob od y.

heard you talking to Him and you had to remember not to tell

the doctor. They told you to believe in Him and you were

supposed to pray and they sent you to Hebrew School and you