Andrea Dworkin - Mercy

are crazy or stupid but maybe there are creatures from Mars

and they have more than two hands but you know this is

stupid to say and so you don’t know how to say what

happened and if you don’t know how many hands he had you

don’t know anything and no one needs to believe you about

anything because you are stupid or crazy and so you don’t

know how to say what happened and you say he kept saying

just let me. . . . and I tried to get away and he followed me

and he. . . . followed me and he. . . . and then they say,

thank God nothing happened. So you try to make them

understand that yes something did happen honest you aren’t

lying and you say it again, strained, thicklipped from biting

your lips, your chest swollen from heartbreak, your eyes

swollen from tears all salt and bitter, holding your legs funny

but you don’t want them to see and you keep pretending to be

normal and you want to act adult and you can barely breathe

from crying and you say yes something did happen and you

try to say things right because adults are so strange and so

stupid and you don’t know the right words but you try so hard

and you say exactly how the man sat down and put his arm

around you and started talking to you and you told him to go

away but he kept holding you and kissing you and talking to

you in a funny whisper and he put his hands in your legs and he

kept rubbing you and he had a really deep voice and he

whispered in your ear in this funny, deep voice and he kept

saying just to let him. . . . but you couldn’t understand what

he said because maybe he was mumbling or maybe he couldn’t

talk English so you can’t tell them what he said and you say

maybe he was a foreigner because you don’t know what he

said and he talked funny and you tried to get away but he

followed you and then you ran and you didn’t scream or cry

until you found your m omma because he might hear you and

find you so you were quiet even though you were shaking and

you ran and then they say thank God nothing happened and

you don’t know w hy they think you are lying because you are

trying to tell them everything that happened ju st the right w ay

and i f you are a stubborn child, a strong-willed child, you say

the almost-ten-year-old version o f fuck you something happened all right the fuck put his hands in m y legs and rubbed me

all over; m y legs; my legs ; me; m y; m y legs; m y; m y; m y legs;

and he rubbed me; his arm was around m y shoulder, rubbing,

and his mouth was on m y neck, rubbing, and his hand was

under m y shirt, rubbing, and his hand was in m y pants,

rubbing, and he kept saying ju st let me. . . . and it was a

creepy whisper in some funny language and he was saying

sounds I didn’t understand and then they say the child is

hysterical, something must have happened, the child is

hysterical; and they want to know i f anything came inside or

was outside and you don’t want to tell them that he took your

hand and put it somewhere wet on him in his lap in the dark

and your hand touched something all funny and your hand got

all cold and slim y and they say thank God nothing happened;

and they ask i f something went inside but when you ask inside

where they look aw ay and you are nearly ten but you are a

fully desperate human being because you want to know inside

where so you w ill know what happened because you don’t

know what he did or what it was or how many hands he had

but they don’t ask you that. And your mother says show me and

you don’t know if you should put your arm around her

shoulder, rubbing, or rub your head into her neck, and she says

show me and you try to whisper the w ay he whispered in a deep

voice but you are too far away from her for it to be like him and

you don’t know what he said so you are crying and a little sick

and you point to your legs and say here and she says show me

where he touched you and you say here and you point to your

legs and she says did he put anything in and you say his hands

and she says anything else did he put anything else in and you

don’t know how many hands he had or if he put them in or in

where and you are wearing bermuda shorts because it is hot,

hot summer, August, black ones, too grown up for a girl your

age she told you but you are always fighting to wear black

because you want to be grown up and you are always fighting

with her anyway and this time she let you because she didn’t

want to fight anymore, and she wants to know i f he touched

your knee and she points to your bare knee and you say yes and

she wants to know if he touched higher and you don’t know

how high because you were sitting down and you say my legs

and she asks you if he touched your bermuda shorts and you

say yes and she asks you if he took them o ff and you think she

is trying to trick you because you were at the movies and how

could someone take your bermuda shorts o ff at the movies and

she asks you if he touched under the bermuda shorts and she

wants to know what he touched you with and it was dark and

you couldn't see and you don’t know what he touched you

with or how many hands he had but she doesn’t ask you that

and afterwards sometimes you think he was from outer space

because people from earth have two hands and when you

make a drawing o f him with crayons or pastels you draw a

stick man with a big face and big hands, lots o f hands, and

sometimes you make another hand in the sky coming down

and you never tell that you are drawing him and you say that

he rubbed you with something inside your legs, no, not there,

higher up, and she cries, your beautiful mother cries, with her

long hair, with her black hair down to her shoulders, and her

cotton summer dress with flowers on it from when she was

young, she cries and she sits across from you and she holds

your hands in hers and you feel so sorry because you always do

something wrong and make her angry or sad and this was a

special day when she let you go to the movies by yourself for

the first time because you said you were mature enough and

she let you wear black and you made her cry so you say

momma I’m sorry momma nothing happened m om ma

nothing happened he didn’t hurt me momma I’m fine m omma

honest m omma nothing happened it didn’t m omma honest

nothing; and she says “ pregnant” something; and I am

punished, in m y room, put alone in m y room and not allowed