T. Novan - Words Heard In Silence / Xena Uber

Jocko was on his way upstairs when he heard Miss Rebecca bellow. He hurried up the last steps and found her standing, hands on her hips, in the middle of the hall, looking very angry. "Yes, Ma'am?"

"Would you care to tell me why you moved Charlie to his office?"

"Because, ma'am, he ordered me to. Said the bed was too soft, and that you needed a place to sleep in comfort."

"And you did not think to check with me first?" Rebecca was shaking now, partly from anger and partly from frustration. "How in the name of God am I suppose to care for him if he is down there?"

"Ma'am, he specifically asked that either Mr. Whitman or I take care of his wounds. He said he dinna want you to be dirtying your hands with his blood."

Rebecca stood shocked. She did not know how to respond to that. She had been taking care of Charlie for days already. "I need to talk to him."

"Yes, ma'am, I believe you do. I do not know what is wrong, but something is."

Rebecca marched down the stairs and knocked on Charlie’s door. "Charlie? It is Rebecca." She said needlessly. "May I come in?"

Silence met her knock.

She knocked again. "Charlie, please. Please let me come in. I need to see you. I need to talk to you."

More silence.

She took a deep breath and opened the door. Going inside, she closed it gently behind her. "Charlie?"

Charlie lay on his cot, face turned toward the windows looking out on the back yard, down toward the pond.

He turned his head and looked at her as she entered. Very quietly, he said, "Hello, Rebecca."

She smiled and moved to the cot, kneeling down and placing her hand on his back. "Hello, darling. Please tell me why you had Jocko move you down here."

"You need your bed, and with me in this condition, it cannot be easy or pleasant for you to share it with me. The bed was too soft, and the things I need to take care of me are here in the winter kitchen. I thought being closer would be good. Easier. Simpler."

"I see. All right, I can accept that, but I had hoped to have you closer to the children. Em is begging to see you and you have yet to meet the boys."

Em. Em, who thought her Papa was the best man in the world. He could not let Em see him like this. "Rebecca, I do not have the energy to see Em. I do not want her seeing me like this. Ever."

"Charlie. Charlie, sweetheart. Em has missed you, she has cried for you nearly everyday. She will not care about all of this. All she will care about is that her Papa has come home. Charlie, this child has already lost two parents, do not take a third from her."

Charlie steeled his jaw. "Rebecca. Look at me. What kind of a parent can I be right now? I am barely human."

"Charlie, yes, right now you need to rest and heal, but in time you are going to be fine and……"

"Jesus Christ, Rebecca. Look at me. Look at me! I have always been a shadow of a man, a bad imitation. Now I am only pieces! I cannot walk. My hand is gone. I will be nothing but a mass of scars when I heal. I can only be a burden, so leave me. Create a life for yourself, for the children. They do not need to have a sad half-man who cannot even go to the bathroom alone for a father. Leave me."

"Charlie...please...do not say..."

"Rebecca –– go. Go! Please, just go."

Rebecca stood, feeling tears forming in her eyes. She backed up from Charlie. "I love you. Nothing that has happened will change that." Tears slipped down her cheeks as she turned and left the room.

Jocko had followed Rebecca down the stairs and stood in the shadows, wanting to help, feeling like a wretch for listening in, and lost as to what to do to help his friend and the magnificent lady who loved her General.

Chapter 35

Friday, May 5, 1865

Almost a week and a half had passed since Rebecca had brought Charlie home. After that horrible first day, Charlie had stayed in his office, refusing admittance to anyone except Jocko or Whitman. Eventually, even Whitman was barred when the man took Charlie to task for excluding Rebecca from his sick room.

Elizabeth arrived late in the afternoon, having come by carriage from the now dissolved field hospital in Appomattox. Samuelson was with her. So was Black Jack. Richard and one company from the 13th had accompanied her, as protection on the road was vital now that the country was swarming with men who had signed their oaths and were trying to get home. The rest of the 13th was on its way by troop train to Bucks County, Pennsylvania or Columbus, Ohio to muster out of the army and return to civilian life. The men accompanying Richard had no homes to return to; they thought that Culpeper was as good a place as any to build new lives. Arriving in Culpeper, they parted company, with the men reporting to Byrnes for lodging in town, and Richard, Samuelson and Elizabeth turning south and west towards Redmond Stables.

Beulah and Reg were at the door to greet the little party. Richard wanted to drive around to the stables to put the horses away, but Reg quietly shook his head and hurried off to tend the horses. Rebecca, hearing the commotion, came from the nursery where she had been tending a disconsolate little girl. She was so relieved to see the little group she literally flew down the stairs into Elizabeth’s arms. "Oh, God, I am so glad to see you, I cannot even begin to tell you."

Elizabeth gently hugged this woman she had come to regard as a sister. "What is it, Rebecca?"

"It is Charlie. He is...is..." She dissolved into tears, unable to express the pain and frustration that had settled firmly in her soul and darkly over her heart.

Elizabeth looked at Richard over the head of the sobbing woman in her arms, a dark frown of concern on her features. Gently, Richard lifted Rebecca into his arms and half carried the woman into the back parlor. Elizabeth signaled to Beulah to bring tea, and sent Samuelson off to find Jocko or Whitman and find out what was really going on.

Richard settled Rebecca into a comfortable chair and offered his handkerchief. "Now, dear lady, tell us what is going on with that reprobate."

"He has turned away from me. He will not see me. He will not see Em. He has yet to see the boys. Em is beside herself, crying for him at every turn. Nothing satisfies her. She stands at his office door, which he has locked, and begs him to open the door. The only one he will let into the room is Jocko and even then it is only for food. I am completely lost. I just do not know what to do."

Elizabeth looked at Richard, her heart falling in her chest. She had feared this kind of reaction from Charlie. It happened too often with physically robust and very active men when they discovered that they would never be able to do the things they were accustomed to again. In Charlie’s case, because his charade was so dependent on his physicality, the impact could only be devastating. "I had hoped that he would be stronger than this, but it is not unknown, dear. Injuries as extensive as Charlie has suffered leave their mark on the soul as well as on the body. I will do what I can, though. Shall I go and see to him now?"

"Please, perhaps you can get through to him. I do not think he understands that we still love him and need him."

Elizabeth raised her eyebrow. "No, I suppose that stubborn fool does not realize that at all. He never did understand that there are many of us who love him."

"Please go talk to him. Maybe he will listen to you."

Elizabeth left the parlor, to find Jocko waiting in the hall for her. "So, Jocko, just how bad is it?"

"Well, let me tell you, that stubborn ass is barely eating now. All he does is lie in that bed and stare out the window. He will not even talk about Rebecca or the children. I have even taken the precaution of removing all his firearms from the room."