Sophie Kinsella: The Secret Dreamworld of a Shopaholic

'No, it's OK,' I say, morosely picking up the TV 'I'm going to visit my parents.'

'Oh well,' says Suze. 'Give your mum my love.'

'I will,' I say. 'And you give my love to Pepper.'

Pepper is Suze's horse. She rides him about three uggest times a year, if that, but whenever her parents start selling him she gets all hysterical. Apparently he costs ?15,000 a year to run. Fifteen thousand pounds. And what does he do for his money? Just stands in a stable and eats apples. I wouldn't mind being a horse.

'Oh yeah, that reminds me,' says Suze. 'The council tax bill came in. It's three hundred each.'

'Three hundred pounds?' I look at her in dismay. 'What, straight away?'

'Yeah. Actually, it's late. Just write me a cheque or something.'

'Fine,' I say airily. 'Three hundred quid coming up.' I reach for my bag and write a cheque out straight away. Suze is so generous about the rent, I always pay my share of the bills, and sometimes add a bit extra.

But still, I'm feeling cold as I hand it over. Three hundred pounds gone, just like that. And I've still got that bloody VISA bill to think of. Not a great month.

'Oh, and someone called,' adds Suze, and squints at a piece of paper. 'Erica Parsnip. Is that right?'

'Erica Parsnip?' Sometimes I think Suze's mind has been expanded just a little too often.

'Parnell. Erica Parnell from Endwich Bank. Can you call her.'

I stare at Suze, frozen in horror.

'She called here? She called this number?'

'Yes. This afternoon.'

'Oh shit.' My heart starts to thump. 'What did you say? Did you say I've got glandular fever?'

'What?' It's Suze's turn to stare. 'Of course I didn't say you've got bloody glandular fever!'

'Did she ask about my leg? Anything about my health at all?'

'No! She just said where were you? And I said you were at work-'

'Suze!' I wail in dismay.

'Well, what was I supposed to say?'

'You were supposed to say I was in bed with glandular fever and a broken leg!'

'Well, thanks for the warning!' Suze gazes at me, eyes narrowed, and crosses her legs into the lotus position. Suze has got the longest, thinnest, wiriest legs I've ever known. When she's wearing black leggings she looks just like a spider.

'What's the big deal anyway?' she says. 'Are you overdrawn?'

Am I overdrawn?

'Just a tad.' I shrug. 'It'll work itself out.'

There's silence and I look up, to see Suze tearing up my cheque.

'Suze! Don't be stupid!'

'Pay me back when you're in the black,' she says firmly.

'Thanks Suze,' I say, and give her a big hug. Suze has got to be the best friend I've ever had.

But there's a nagging feeling in my stomach which stays with me all evening and is still there when I wake up the next morning. A feeling I can't even shift by thinking about my Denny and George scarf. I lie in bed staring up at the ceiling and, or the first time in months, calculate how much I owe to everybody. The bank, VISA, my Harvey Nichols card, my Debenhams card, my Fenwicks card… And now Suze, too.

It's about… let's think… it's about six thousand pounds.

A cold feeling creeps over me as I contemplate this figure. How on earth am I going to find six thousand pounds? I could save six pounds a week for a thousand weeks. Or twelve pounds a week for five hundred weeks. Or… or sixty pounds a week for a hundred weeks. That's more like it. But how the hell am I going to find sixty pounds a week to save?

Or else I could bone up on lots of general and go on a game show. Or invent something clever. Or I could win the Lottery. At the thought a lovely warm creeps over me, and I close eyes and snuggle back down into bed. The Lottery far the best solution.

I wouldn't aim to win the jackpot of course – that's completely unlikely. But one of those minor bets. There seem to be heaps of those going around. Say – a hundred thousand pounds. That would do. I could pay off all my debts, buy a car, buy a flat…

Actually – better make it two hundred thousand. Or a quarter of a million. Or, even better, one of those shared jackpots. 'The five winners will each receive one point three million pounds.' (I love the way they say that. 'One point three.' As if that extra three hundred thousand pounds is a tiny, insignificant amount. As if you wouldn't notice whether it was there or not.)

One point three million should see me straight. And it's not being greedy, is it, to want to share your jackpot?

Please God, I think, let me win the Lottery and I promise to share nicely.

And so, on the way down to my parents' house I stop off at a petrol station to buy a couple of lottery tickets. Choosing the numbers takes about half an hour. I know 44 always does well, and 42. But what about the rest? I write out a few series of numbers on a piece of paper and squint at them, trying to imagine them on the telly.

1 6 9 16 23 44

No! Terrible! What am I thinking of? 1 never comes up, for a start. And 6 and 9 look wrong, too.

3 14 21 25 36 44

That's a bit better. I fill in the numbers on the ticket.

5 11 18 27 28 42

I'm quite impressed by this one. It looks like a winner. I can just imagine Moira Stewart reading it out on the news. 'One ticket-holder, believed to live in southwest London, has won an estimated jackpot of ten million pounds.'

For a moment, I feel faint. What'll I do with ten million pounds? Where will I start?

Well, a huge party to begin with. Somewhere smart but cool, with loads of champagne and dancing and a taxi service so no-one has to drive. And going-home presents, like really nice bubble bath or something. (Does Calvin Klein do bubble bath? I make a mental note to check next time I'm in Boots.)

Then I'll buy houses for all my family and friends, of course. I lean against the lottery stand and close my eyes to concentrate. Suppose I buy twenty houses at ?250,000 each. That'll leave me… five million. Plus about fifty thousand pounds on the party. And then I'll take everyone on holiday, to Barbados or somewhere. That'll cost about… a hundred thousand pounds, if we all fly Club. So that's four million, eight hundred and fifty thousand.

Oh! and I need six thousand to pay off all my credit cards and, overdraft. Plus three hundred for Suze. Call it seven thousand. So that leaves… four million, eight hundred and forty-three thousand.

Obviously, I'll do loads for charity. In fact, I'll probably set up a charitable foundation. I'll support all those unfashionable charities that get ignored, like skin diseases and home helps for the elderly. And I'll send a great big cheque to my old English teacher, Mrs James, so she can restock the school library. Perhaps they'll even rename it after me. The Bloomwood Library.

Oh, and three hundred for that swirly coat in Whistles, which I must buy before they're all up. So how much does that leave? Four million, eight hundred and forty-three thousand, minus…

'Excuse me.' A voice interrupts me and I look up dazedly. The woman behind is trying to get at the biro.

'Sorry,' I say, and politely make way. But the interruption has made me lose track of my calculations.

Was it four million or five million?

Then, as I see the woman looking at my bit of paper covered in scribbled numbers, an awful thought strikes me. What if one of my rejected sets of numbers comes up? What if 1 6 9 16 23 44 comes up tonight and I haven't entered it? I'd hate myself, wouldn't I? All my life, I'd never forgive myself. I'd be like the guy who committed suicide because he forgot to post his pools coupon.

I quickly fill in tickets for all the combinations of numbers written on my bit of paper That's nine tickets in all. Nine quid – quite a lot of money, really. I almost feel bad about spending it. But then, that's nine times as many chances of winning, isn't it?