Ozzy Osbourne - Trust Me, I’m Dr. Ozzy

Dear Dr. Ozzy:

I love having a full-strength Marlboro before breakfast, but I’ve noticed that the first couple of drags make me want to run to the bathroom and evacuate. Is this normal?

If you’re a smoker, why the fuck are you wasting time worrying about your bowels? What about your LUNGS? Having said that: yes, nicotine is a stimulant, so that world-falling-out-of-your-bottom feeling is normal. Why not stop smoking and have a glass of orange juice instead? Y’know, over the years I’ve taken every drug known to man, and I swear, nicotine is the worst. Take it from the Prince of Darkness: cigarettes are evil, man.

Dear Dr. Ozzy:

I noticed that you worked with a personal trainer during The Osbournes. Did you find it helpful?

Using a trainer helped me keep a routine, which is very helpful, ’cos I’m an all-or-nothing kind of guy: I’ll kill myself on the treadmill one month, then spend the next one with my head in the fridge. But at the end of the day, I don’t want to have to make a date in my diary to do exercise. After a while I also got pissed off with a guy standing there in my own house, telling me, “Do another five reps.” I almost punched the bastard a couple of times.

Dear Dr. Ozzy:

I’ve recently decided to slow down on my hedonistic lifestyle and try being healthy, so now it’s all low-fat food and exercise, but when I wake up in the morning, I feel worse than I did before. How long will this last, or should I just return to my old ways?

Rome wasn’t built in a day. Some people go over the top when they try to get healthy: one minute they’re living a life of beer, cheeseburgers, and daytime telly, and the next they’ve cut out meat, alcohol, coffee, and sugar, and they’re trying to run a marathon. Of course you’re gonna feel like shit if you do that. Take it easy. One thing at a time. And if you’re doing exercise, for God’s sake make sure you stretch—before and afterwards.

Dear Dr. Ozzy:

What’s the healthiest (and most effective) way to administer a jolt of caffeine first thing in the morning: a shot of espresso, or a full-sized mug of filter coffee?

I don’t know about the healthiest , but I can tell you the best way—by a mile. First of all, brew yourself a normal pot of filter coffee. Then tip the coffee back into the filter and brew it again over the old grounds. At the same time, make yourself an espresso. Next step: pour yourself a cup of the double-strength filter coffee… then add the shot of espresso. I call it a “red eye”: one sip, as you’ll be as awake as you’ve even been in your life, trust me. That ain’t the strongest coffee I’ve ever had, mind you. My old mate Frank Zappa used to make a brew that tasted like leaded gasoline. And Turkish coffee is even worse. I downed a soup bowl full of that stuff when I was in Crete once, and I spent the next three weeks jogging around the island, trying to get it to wear off.

Dear Dr. Ozzy:

Why do people say it’s bad to eat chocolate before public speaking (or singing, for that matter)?

Well, for a start, chocolate thickens your saliva, which ain’t good news if you’ve gotta recite Shakespeare or get through “Iron Man.” For me, chocolate also causes heartburn, which sends acid shooting up my esophagus, which literally burns my throat out—and that’s my worst fear when I’m out on the road, ’cos it affects thousands of people when a show gets cancelled. Having said that, you’re not supposed to drink tea, either, but I still do before gigs. It might not be very rock ’n’ roll, but it’s like a magic potion to me.

Dear Dr. Ozzy:

I know you work out a lot and have changed your lifestyle dramatically, but is it more difficult to maintain your exercise schedule and health regimen when you are touring? What do you recommend for people like me who pretty much live on the road?

To be honest with you, I don’t need to go to the gym when I’m on the road: during a two-hour show, I’ll burn about 2,000 calories and use muscles I don’t even know I have until the next day, when I feel like I’ve been thrown off the Empire State Building. But here’s the advice I’d give to anyone who works away from home in a sedentary job: go for a walk . It’s one the best forms of exercise there is, and it costs nothing. The only reason I don’t go for walks myself is because my arse has got a mind of its own, and if I’m out of range of a toilet, I freak out. That shouldn’t stop anybody else, though.

Dear Dr. Ozzy:

I’m pretty much living on five-hour energy drinks. Is this stuff gonna hurt me in the long run?

Well, it’s not exactly food, is it? You’re basically just shooting up caffeine. And if there’s one golden rule I’ve learned over the years, it is this: what goes up, must come down . I remember necking a few energy drinks before going on stage once: I felt like the king of the universe for about one-and-a-half songs, but by the third number, I was ready to fucking hang myself. So if I were you, I’d try and get your energy from something that’s not gonna make you drop like the Hindenburg when the rush wears off.

Dear Dr. Ozzy:

I’m in my mid-fifties and a stonking 350lbs. I’m addicted to food, often eating enough for three or four people. I’m out of breath, have no interest in sex, and can hardly even stand up. I’m using food like you used drugs—I’m killing myself. Any advice? Money is no object.

Number one, find a good dietician. Number two, start exercising (as long as your doc gives you the okay). But whatever you do, don’t go mental. For example: start at the lowest setting on the treadmill, then work your way up slowly , not the other way around. The mistake I made was thinking, “Well if I turn this thing up to warp factor ten, I’ll burn more calories”—but I wasn’t fit enough, my legs couldn’t keep up, and I almost catapulted myself backwards through a plate glass window. Another thing you have to do is find an activity you enjoy, ’cos if you don’t love it, you ain’t gonna do it. And I don’t mean take up darts, or table football. You’ve gotta break a sweat. I’m 175lbs at the moment, but I could easily be 350lbs if I didn’t burn off all the crap I eat with a bit of exercise. Fortunately, I’ve now become addicted to the blast of endorphins you get on a cross-trainer in the same way I used to be addicted to Special Brew. I’ve also got a massive telly in my gym at home, so while I’m getting rid of my extra chins I can watch World War II documentaries on the History Channel. That’s my idea of paradise, that is—a bit of cardio and some animated battle maps.

Dear Dr. Ozzy:

I recently went to Cuba, picked up a nasty bug, and was hospitalised with dehydration. The doctors shoved a steel lozenge thing down my throat to take a biopsy from my stomach, but it didn’t find the cause of the problem. Three months later, I’m still passing liquid. Please help…

Three months? If I was passing liquid for three hours I’d be straight down the gastroenterologist’s, begging him to make it stop. Chances are, it was some dodgy lettuce that did it. Let me tell you something: lettuce is fucking deadly if you eat it in the wrong country. I mean, yeah, you think it’s all nice and posh and healthy and whatever, but if you order a salad in parts of Mexico or South America, you might as well order a plate of raw human shit, ’cos that’s what’s in the water that it’s been washed in. I’ve suffered the same fate on more than a few occasions: you cross the border to Mexico, and within a few hours, you’re laid up in hospital, on a drip. But three months is no joke: it could even be more serious than you think. Best to get it checked out again.