Ozzy Osbourne - Trust Me, I’m Dr. Ozzy

Having said that, common sense has never exactly been one of my fortes. Because of my addictive personality, I tend to do anything and everything to excess. Like when I gave up McDonald’s and switched to burritos, for example. Within 24 hours, I was addicted to the fucking burritos. Or when I gave up being a lazy-arsed bastard and started to exercise, but ended up taking a gram of speed so I could run around the block faster. It’s a never-ending struggle, trying to live the perfect balanced lifestyle if you’re as unbalanced as I am. As a matter of fact, I think it’s hard for everyone, insane or otherwise. But as I always say to people, you should never stop trying. Just take every new day as it comes—and go easy on the triple-decker bacon chili cheeseburgers.

Dear Dr. Ozzy:

My daughter announced today that she’s going on the “Five Bite Diet”—ie, she drinks what she wants (if it has no calories) but has only five bites of lunch and five bites of dinner. As a precaution, she’s also taking a multi-vitamin tablet every day.

Should I try and stop her?

I’ve never heard of this before, but it doesn’t surprise me that it exists. In fact, I tried a similar kind of extreme diet myself once—I called it the “walking corpse” diet, ’cos even though you got thinner, it made you feel like the living dead. And of course it goes without saying that five seconds after I stopped, I put all the weight back on again. I mean, I honestly don’t know what to tell you when it comes to dieting, ’cos I came to the conclusion a long time ago that nothing works apart from eating healthier and eating less , full stop. Catchy-sounding quick fixes are usually good for only one thing: making a shitload of dough for the person who came up with the idea. Bearing in mind that your daughter will probably do the opposite of whatever you tell her, it’s at least worth getting the advice of your GP before she starts sniffing her dinner instead of eating it. That’s the best way to make sure she ain’t doing anything dangerous.

Dear Dr. Ozzy:

My doctor has told me that I have high cholesterol. Does that mean I should stop taking cocaine?

Hang on a fucking minute: don’t you think you’re putting the cart before the horse a bit here? I suppose you’re thinking that because the cholesterol gives you a higher risk of a heart attack, the coke might send you over the edge. But you shouldn’t be doing cocaine, full stop—never mind if you’ve got high cholesterol, low blood sugar, a gammy leg, or a runny nose. It’s a like a forty-a-day smoker asking if he should move out of the city to get some fresh air. Where’s the logic, man? Here’s the thing with coke: you can drop dead from it instantly , ’cos you’re buying it on the street, so you never know the fuck’s gonna be in it. It also messes with your head, makes you say stupid things, and can land you in prison. Here’s my advice: if you keep taking the coke, forget all about your cholesterol—chances are, you’ll kill yourself before anything else can.

Dear Dr. Ozzy:

I can’t stop drinking Coca-Cola. Do you think I’ve become addicted to the caffeine?

I know plenty of people who are addicted to cola—not just the brand name stuff, but the big, cheap gallon bottles you get in a supermarket. It’s not so much the caffeine you get hooked on, though: it’s the sugar . Try switching to a diet brand. Or better yet, have a cup of tea instead.

Dear Dr. Ozzy:

My boyfriend goes swimming six times a week and does yoga twice a week, but he’s still getting fat. Why?

There’s only one explanation: he’s eating sandwiches between laps. Either that, or he’s lying to you about the exercise. I recommend hiring a private detective to follow him around for a week. Report back.

Dear Dr. Ozzy:

Is it really true that you’re a vegetarian now? Have you bitten the head off a lettuce yet?

Very funny. And yeah… I’m borderline vegetarian now, ’cos I find it hard to digest red meat. When I’m at home in LA, the woman who works for me—she’s Ethiopian—cooks up veggies on the barbeque with brown rice. It’s spicy, not boring at all, and there’s nothing like a good old curry to unplug a clogged 62-year-old arsehole. Mind you, it’s hard to keep it up when I’m out on the road, ’cos you can’t always get hold of healthy food when you’re so far away from home—although eventually you just lose your tolerance for meat, so maybe I’ll have no choice. In fact, I remember one time in 1968 when one of my old bandmates from Black Sabbath, Terence “Geezer” Butler—the first vegetarian I’d ever met—ate a hot dog in Belgium ’cos he was broke and starving, and it was the only thing he could scrounge that day. The poor bloke was in hospital a few hours later. In fact, I don’t think he took another shit until 1983.

Dear Dr. Ozzy:

Is there any truth to the claim that food colouring—which used to be made out of coal-tar—makes kids hyperactive? Or is this just another one of those trendy myths?

When I was growing up, no-one cared about what was in the food—calories, preservatives, colouring, or otherwise: we just ate what was on the table, ’cos the alternative was a smack round the ear and going to bed hungry. And have to say, looking back, we were all fucking nuts . I mean, it’s hard to imagine a more hyperactive kid than I was: I spent half the day bouncing off the walls, and the other half bouncing on my bed. Was it the additives? Who knows, man. In a perfect world, we’d all grow our own food. But you can’t exactly grow a fish stick or a can of beans. So my advice is just be careful and make sure that your kids are eating plenty of fruit and veggies.

♦ If you’re trying to stay slim, it ain’t a good idea to take part in Nathan’s Famous Hot Dog Eating Contest, held every year in New York. The last record-breaking winner scoffed 66 hot dogs—that’s 19,600 calories—in 12 minutes. A few hours later, he broke another record for the amount of time he spent on the shitter.

♦ I’ve suffered the consequences of a few dodgy curries in my time, but nothing comes close to eating a badly cooked Fugu (“river pig”) in Japan. The fish contains tetrodotoxin, which paralyses your muscles and stops your breathing over a period of 24 hours. There ain’t no antidote, either. So if you get poisoned, it’ll be the worst—and last—day of your life. It’ll ruin your holiday, too.

♦ Fast-food has always been a guilty pleasure for me, but if there’s one thing you should probably steer clear of, it’s the “100×100” burger at the In-N-Out chain (you have to special order it). It comes with 100 beef patties, 100 slices of cheese, and costs about $100. That doesn’t include the price of the ambulance you’ll need to call after eating it.

♦ If you go to Sardinia on holiday, don’t ever order Casu Marzu. It’s basically a sheep’s milk cheese, the difference being that it’s infested with live insect larvae, which look like wriggly little white worms. I ain’t fucking kidding you. The worst part is, the worms jump up and down, so you’ve gotta put your hand over your plate when you’re eating, otherwise you end up getting ’em in your eyes and up your nose.

Dear Dr. Ozzy:

I like to drink beer, but I’m getting fat. I hate to think I might have to give up booze just to stay in shape. Is there an alternative to beer that has fewer calories?

Not in Hawaii, there ain’t. It’s all Mai Tais, Zombies, and Hoola-tinis. There’s enough fruit juice and syrup and fuck knows what else in those things to give you three extra chins in the time it takes you to drink one of ’em. The thing is, you can’t have it both ways: you can’t keep drinking and complain about getting fat. Alcohol makes you bloated, period. It’s one of the most calorific substances on the planet. Having said that, if you switch to Mai Tais, you definitely won’t be able to drink as many of them as you could beers. I mean, when I was on the booze, beers didn’t even count, you could knock ’em back so easily. Some people might say, “Try pot,” but then you’ll get the munchies, which is twice as bad. Personally my advice would be to cut down. Or stop drinking altogether.