Ozzy Osbourne - Trust Me, I’m Dr. Ozzy

None of them, according to the autopsy. Her famous dad, Art, blamed a flashback from LSD—which lead to the theory that people think they can fly when they’re freaking out on acid.

a). They also found “eight luxury vehicles, seven weapons, and a machine to make pills.” The alleged dealer, a Chinese guy, was later arrested in the U.S.

c). It was part of the CIA’s insane MK-Ultra mind-control programme in the 1950s and 1960s. Punters were lured into a brothel in San Francisco, then drugged and sexually blackmailed while agents sat behind two-way glass, taking notes. The CIA thought the Johns would be too embarrassed to complain to the cops the next morning. They were right.

c). LifeGem takes carbon from human remains and uses it to make synthetic diamonds. In 2007, the company made a diamond partly from carbon extracted from 10 strands of Ludwig van Beethoven’s hair: it was sold on eBay for $202,700 (the money went to charity).

b). Tibetans used to do this ’cos most of ’em are Buddhists and think the human body is an “empty vessel” after death. Also, Tibet is a rocky place, so digging graves is a major ballache—and cremation would use up scarce firewood. There are some crazy pictures on the internet of “body-breakers” cutting up corpses while vultures queue up for their dinner.

All of ’em. The Ferrari woman was Sandra Ilene West, who died at 37 from a drug overdose. The car—a powder blue 1964 Ferrari 330 America—was put in a wooden box and covered with concrete (to make sure no-one nicked it) and lowered into a hole nine feet under the Alamo Masonic Cemetery in Texas. For organising the burial, her brother-in-law was given a $2 million inheritance. If he’d refused to do it, he would have got only $10,000.

All three. This happened in the 1700s when “safety coffins” were all the rage after a few horrendous cases of people being buried alive. Other coffin designs had cords attached to church bells, so you could sound the alarm if you “woke up.” The only problem: bodies usually swell up and move as they decompose—so on more than one occasion, a fresh corpse in the churchyard ended up ringing the bell, scaring the shit out of the Vicar.

a). A “death erection” usually happens after being hung, shot in the head, or poisoned (it’s technically known as a “priapism” and you can also get it with a severe spinal chord injury, I’m told). If Mother Nature had any mercy, she’d give you the boner before you died.

41-60: Medical genius. If haven’t tried brain surgery yet, now might be the time.

21-40: Hypochondriac. You have just enough knowledge to be a danger to yourself and society.

0-20: Medical liability. You’re so clueless, you could end up accidentally stabbing yourself in the kidney while clipping your toenails. Wear Bubble Wrap and remain indoors at all times.

Front Cover Image

Welcome

The Doctor Is In… sane

Introduction: A Note to all Patients

1 How to Cure (Almost) Anything

You’ll Never Be Ill Again… Probably

2 Have a Fucking Egg

The Truth About Diet & Exercise

3 Pruning

Cleanliness Is Next to Ozzyness

4 Family—The Other F-Word

You Love ’Em to Death, but They Drive You Fucking Mental

5 Surgery: Not Just for Professionals

If You Want Something Done… Do It Yourself

6 General Practise

Dr. Ozzy’s A-to-Z of Uncommon Complaints

7 Genetics Explained. Sort Of Before Reading, Apply Ice-Pack to Brain

8 Friends & Arseholes

For People Who Aren’t People People

9 The Jelly Between Your Ears

It Ain’t Easy, Being Mental

10 Sex, Romance & Ballcare

Dr. Ozzy’s Guide to the Bats and the Bees

11 The Pharmacology Section

What They Don’t Print on the Label

12 Croaking It

Getting Ready for the Great Moshpit in the Sky

Dr. Ozzy’s Prescription Pad

Epilogue: Take as Directed…

Quiz Answers

Copyright

Copyright © 2011 by Ozzy Osbourne

All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted, in any form or by any means, without the prior permission in writing of the publisher, nor be otherwise circulated in any form of binding or cover other than that in which it is published and without a similar condition including this condition being imposed on the subsequent purchaser.

Hachette Digital

Little, Brown Book Group

100 Victoria Embankment

London, EC4Y 0DY

www.hachette.co.uk

www.littlebrown.co.uk

First eBook Edition: October 2011

ISBN: 978-0-7481-3008-5

Before anyone gives me a bollocking, talk to a doc about your diet if you have high cholesterol.

According to The New England Journal of Medicine .

I ain’t making this up. The mum’s name is Ines Ramirex Perez, and she had the baby on March 5, 2000 (according to the Associated Press).

See diagram here.

I’m fucked if I know what this is, apart from the fact it begins with the letter “Q.”

At the World Health Organisation.

www.parissyndrome.info

Might not be legal where you live.

Sources: Club Direct insurance, 101 Crazy Ways to Die by Matt Roper; National Safety Council.

Source: The World Health Organisation.