Ozzy Osbourne - Trust Me, I’m Dr. Ozzy

a) Goose fat

b) Ghee (clarified butter, used in curries)

c) Unsalted butter

2. Farting less often is easy if you…

a) Swallow less air

b) Drink more water

c) Cut down on beans, sugar-free chewing gum… and pears

3. Speaking of unwanted trouser explosions… how many times does the average person let rip every day?

a) 14 times (1–4 pints of gas)

b) Twice (half a pint of gas)

c) 27 times (8–12 pints of gas)

4. What causes “heavy leg syndrome”?

a) Involvement with the Mafia

b) Exercising too much

c) Not enough blood circulation

5. How old was the fitness guru/muscleman Jack LaLanne when he died?

a) 41

b) 96

c) 73

When I was growing up in Aston, my idea of a personal grooming was a hot bath every other year. It’s not like there was a lot of pressure to be smooth-skinned and beautiful in those days. As a bloke, you were hairy and smelly, full stop, end of story. And as a bloke who was also a rock ’n’ roll singer, you were basically a one-man walking fucking sewer. I went on tour in Scandinavia once—in the depths of winter—with only one change of underpants. And no toothpaste. By the time I got back on the ferry to Harwich, Essex, my breath was so bad, every time I opened my mouth to say something, flowers wilted and birds fell out of the sky.

I’m a new man now.

The first time I really experienced modern beauty treatments was when I met Sharon. I woke up one day and she had me in a headlock with a pair of tweezers in her hand. I remember screaming, “What the fuck you DOING ?!” She just tightened her grip and went, “I’m giving you a long-overdue pruning, Ozzy, that’s what I’m fucking doing.”

That’s what Sharon calls it: “pruning.” And she does it to me at every available opportunity. If she sees so much as a single nose hair—she calls ’em “Hitlers” ’cos they look like the Führer’s moustache—she’ll go after it like a lioness going after her prey. After a while I gave up trying to escape, ’cos putting up a fight wasn’t worth the pain. By holding out, I was making only one person miserable: me . Besides, I didn’t exactly want to go around looking like three different families of crows had set up a nest in my conk.

It’s reached the point these days where I actually enjoy a pruning—especially if it involves a long massage before a gig. I might be the Prince of Darkness, but I’ve had more pedicures now than I’ve had hot dinners. I don’t take it too far, though. I’ve never had my balls waxed. My anus has never been bleached. And I ain’t into all that “caviar facial” bollocks.

To me, looking good is about working with what you’ve got, and taking care of the simple things. Then again, if something really, really bothers you, I ain’t got any bones about saying, “Get it fixed.” Going under the knife once in a while doesn’t mean you automatically end up like Michael Jackson or that crazy Cat Woman in New York. You’ve just gotta make sure you save up enough dough to pay for a top-notch doctor—and you’ve gotta know when enough’s enough. In the meantime, you’ll be amazed what you can achieve with a bit of regular maintenance.

Dear Dr. Ozzy:

I’m a 24-year-old single man with a big date coming up, and I want to make sure I look good in the buff—y’know, just in case. With that in mind: should I trim my armpit hair?

How long can your armpit hair possibly be, man? I mean, I could understand if you were worried about the hair on your head, or the smell of your cologne, or what kind of clothes you’re gonna wear—but unless you’re planning to get this poor woman in a nude headlock over dinner, how the fuck do your armpits come into the equation? Since you asked, though, let me give you some man-to-man advice: I shaved my armpits once for a joke, and it hurt like you wouldn’t believe for a whole month. Worse than that, they broke out in an ’orrible pimply rash. So if I were you, I’d leave your armpits well alone and concentrate on something else, like your conversation skills.

Dear Dr. Ozzy,

I can’t resist the temptation to squeeze my blackheads and spots, even though I know I’m not supposed to. Is this bad? Does anyone seriously just wait until they “pop” by themselves?

None of my spots ever go unsqueezed because of Sharon: if she sees one, she’ll be at it with a hammer and chisel in a heartbeat. You’re right, though: you’re not supposed to start hacking away at your forehead, or you’ll leave behind a scar, give yourself an infection, or force that white gunky stuff in the wrong direction, making you look like Elephant Man. If you’ve got a bit of dough in the bank, go and see a good facialist and they’ll do the squeezing for you. Pressing a hot towel to your face and then massaging the pores can also help. Whatever you do, make sure you wash your hands thoroughly first.

Dear Dr. Ozzy,

My ears stick out at right angles. I wouldn’t mind if they did something more useful—like picking up Sky Sports—but they just make me look like an idiot. What should I do?

No-one wants to walk around the place looking like the Ryder Cup. But I think you’re being a bit hard on your poor old lugs—the job of hearing is pretty important (take it from someone who’s half-deaf). And Prince Charles does alright with his ears, which he could rent out at the weekend as parasails. But my advice is always the same with these things: if it bothers you, do something about it. Yes, the operation might be expensive. But buying an iPad or a new telly is also expensive, and no-one ever seems to have any problem saving up dough for that. If your ears are making you miserable enough to write to Dr. Ozzy, it might be the best investment you ever make.

Dear Dr. Ozzy:

I’m in my mid-thirties and sadly losing my hair. Should I resign myself to my fate, or fight it by any means necessary? How do you maintain your manly flowing locks?