Ozzy Osbourne - Trust Me, I’m Dr. Ozzy

Dear Dr. Ozzy:

My wife’s pregnant, and every time we leave the house, I get paranoid that her “waters” might break. What does this mean, anyway? Would I have to deliver the baby myself?

From what I understand—which ain’t very much—babies grow inside a little watery sac thing, and when that bursts, the kid’s ready to pop out. That’s what it means when a pregnant woman’s “water breaks.” But there’s no need to get all paranoid about it: even if it happens in public, it doesn’t mean you have to deliver your son with a toilet plunger and wooden spoon, or whatever it is you’re imagining. All you need to do is drive your missus to the nearest hospital, sharpish. In fact, that’s exactly what I had to do when my first daughter, Jessica, was born. The only problem was, I didn’t know how to drive, and I’d been drinking all day. Apart from that, it was easy.

Dear Dr. Ozzy:

My three-year-old son keeps being hit/kicked/bitten by the son of one of my friends. Worse, my friend never does anything about it. What can I do?

Catherine, Washington, UK

As a parent, you’ve just gotta accept that some kids play rougher than others. That’s all very well to say, mind you, until some brat whacks your little pumpkin over the back of the head with a wooden hammer. That happened to one of my own kids at a playground in Staffordshire once, and before I even had time to think, I just turned around and chinned the other kid’s dad. Looking back, I should have said something when the bullying first started—but I let it continue, getting worse and worse, until I finally blew my top. So I recommend you talk to your friend now—before she ain’t your friend any more.

Dear Dr. Ozzy:

Is it true that a cat might try to suffocate a newborn baby? My husband and I have just had our first child, and need to know if we should get rid of our eight-year-old moggy.

I used to worry about the same thing. Basically, cats like sleeping in warm places—which is why they jump into cots—and people say they can smell the milk on a baby’s breath. But you don’t need to frog-march poor old Mr. Moggins outside at dawn and shoot him. Just keep the door to your baby’s room closed (as long as you’ve got a monitor) when the little one’s alseep. Problem solved.

♦ Remember, babies aren’t that much different from rock stars. They go crazy if they don’t get enough to drink. They feel a lot better after they’ve thrown up on your new carpet. And they crap their pants more than once a day. Basically, the same as me during the most of the eighties.

♦ Most strollers nowadays come with a beer holder and an ashtray. In an emergency, they can be also used to carry milk bottles and wet wipes.

♦ Don’t even think about asking your own parents for advice about raising infants. At the age of 62, I’m lucky if I can remember why I just walked into a room, never mind how I changed a fucking nappy in 1972. Mind you, I don’t think I ever did change a nappy, so even if I could somehow go back in time, I still wouldn’t have a clue. Work out it for yourself.

Dear Dr. Ozzy:

I taught my three-year-old son a swear word for a laugh and now I can’t get him to stop saying it. I’m mortified. What should I do?

Never, ever , swear in front of little kids: their brains are hard-wired to pick up it—trust me. You can’t get ’em to learn the alphabet to save your life, but they’ll memorise every filthy word in the Oxford English dictionary in a heartbeat. I mean, yeah, it might crack you up to hear a toddler effing and blinding, but ain’t so funny when you take your little blue-eyed angel to the in-laws’, and he goes, “Hello grandma, you c***.”

Dear Dr. Ozzy:

My wife has signed up our son for football practice, piano lessons, and yoga. He’s two. Is this insane?

It sounds like he’s ready to become Prime Minister. I mean, how old is David Cameron—four-and-a-half? Seriously though, my advice would be to leave the kid alone. Buy him a cowboy suit. Get him a fucking Lego set. It’s your missus who should sign up for something—like therapy. A lot of parents these days just seem to be passing on all their insecurities onto their kids. I mean, piano lessons at two? Give me a break, man. What’s next? Pilot training and deep sea diving classes? We pile all this pressure on to these little people then wonder why they’re burned out at nine. My advice: slow down .

Dear Dr. Ozzy:

My four-year-old daughter is addicted to Angry Birds on my iPad. Will this cause her any harm?

I don’t understand a single word of this question. Why do you have birds on your iPad, and why are they pissed off? The only thing I can think of is that this is some kind of video game. If so, I don’t think there’s anything wrong with your daughter playing it—it’s probably good for her—as long as there’s a time limit. And instead of snatching it away when her fifteen minutes (or whatever) is up—which will just make her want it more—trying distracting her with something else instead… like ice cream, heh-heh-heh .

Dear Dr. Ozzy:

Did you think twice before vaccinating your kids, given the controversey over vaccines and autism, or do you think the fear is overblown by a few hysterical Hollywood actor types?

Hand on heart, I can’t say I had anything to do with the decision to vaccinate our kids—I was too busy vaccinating myself with lakes of booze. But I was as freaked out as the next parent when I heard all the talk a few years ago about the shots being linked to autism (the research turned out to be bullshit, but a lot of people are still very concerned). I mean, my sister got the flu vaccine this winter, and then came down with the worst flu of her life. So in a way it seems to make sense. But the thing is, they don’t stick needles in kids for fun—they do it ’cos the diseases they prevent are fucking horrendous. The only reason we don’t realise how bad things like whooping cough are is because they’ve been wiped out by the drugs. But here in California, where I live, babies are now dying from it again, ’cos no-one’s getting their shots. To me, it doesn’t make sense to expose your kids to things you know are dangerous to avoid something that hasn’t been proved to be dangerous—no matter how suspicious you might be of vaccine companies and their dodgy motives. But everyone’s different, and at the end of the day, it’s a decision you have to make for yourself.

Dear Dr. Ozzy,

I’m about to become the father of a baby boy, and while I’m not Jewish, I’m wondering if I should get him circumcised—it just seems so much cleaner. What’s your opinion?

I ain’t Jewish, either, but I still got the old rusty scissor treatment—even though my two younger brothers didn’t. I remember asking my mum what she was thinking, expecting some kind of logical explanation. Instead, she just went, “Oh, it was the fashion.” The fashion ? This was my most prized possession she was talking about, not a pair of bell-bottom jeans! Luckily I didn’t get any stick for the way I looked in the showers at school, mainly ’cos in those days, the only showers we got were when it rained. But is it more hygenic? Well, given some of the very dark and smelly places I explored in the 1970s, I would say “yes.” For most people, though, a bar of soap is probably just as effective.

Dear Dr. Ozzy:

Ever since our baby daughter was born, our three-year-old son has started to regress—making goo-goo, gah-gah noises, etc. Should we tell him to grow up and act like a “big boy,” or go along with it while making sure to give him more special attention?