Ozzy Osbourne - Trust Me, I’m Dr. Ozzy

Dear Dr. Ozzy:

None of my siblings get along, but they all insist on getting together every year at Christmas. I’m already dreading it—but staying away isn’t an option, unless I want a war with my mother. Any tips on getting through the day?

If you think your family is bad company at Christmas, you should have been at the Osbournes’ during my drinking days. It wasn’t exactly merry, put it that way: by the end of the day, I’d be half-naked, covered in cranberry sauce, and throwing bricks at people. Then there was the year I bought two 28-gallon barrels of beer—bitter and mild—and set them up in my home studio. I got through both of ’em in less than a week. In fact, it got to the point where I was getting up in the night to use the toilet, and having a quick pint on my way back to bed. My ex-wife would find me the next morning, passed out in the slops. To answer your question, though: if I were you, I’d use the two rules of family gatherings—arrive early, and leave early. I understand you’ve got to show your face, but there’s nothing to stop you keeping the torture to a minimum.

Dear Dr. Ozzy:

My dad is close to having a nervous breakdown over my 25-year-old sister’s choice of boyfriend. He’s is an illegal immigrant and a heavy dope smoker with (I’m not kidding) a tattoo of a pork chop and two chicken drumsticks on his chest. What can I do to put her off him?

If you want someone to do something, tell them NOT to do it. This guy could be an axe-murderer, but if you say to your sister, “Look, he doesn’t fit the mould” (or if you call immigration) she might just run off with him. You shouldn’t lie, though, and neither should your old man: if your sister asks for approval, you should both come clean and tell her what you think. I’ve had all sorts come into my house over the years to see my girls… although most of the time they don’t approve of me , not the other way around. My guess is that eventually your sister will think to herself, “What am I doing with this pork chop dickhead?” In the meantime, tell your dad to hold on, this stage will pass.

Dear Dr. Ozzy:

My brother is 30 going on 13. He has never lived on his own, and my parents won’t kick him out. What can I say/do to get him to pull his head out of his backside and grow up?

When I was growing up in England, this problem was always the other way round—parents wanted their kids to look after them . It was the only reason why most people had kids in the first place. These days, I know grown men in their fifties who are still living their with their folks. It’s fucking unbelievable, man. I mean, what happens when you want to bring a girl home to give her a good old seeing to, and your mum comes in halfway through to bring you a cup of tea and a sandwich? It doesn’t exactly look very smooth does it? At the end of day, though, people do what they want to do, and there ain’t much you can say to stop ’em. Especially brothers. Although you might want to buy yours a DVD of The 40-Year-Old Virgin , to give him a glimpse of the future.

Dear Dr. Ozzy:

My wife’s brother-in-law is a handyman/contractor, so we feel obliged to use him for all our jobs around the house. The problem is, he’s useless, and he complains all the time. How can we get ourselves out of this awkward situation? (My wife sees her sister every day, so she doesn’t want any tension or weirdness.)

If you can write to Dr. Ozzy about this, your missus can surely have a quiet word with her sister. Not, “Your husband’s an incompetant, whingeing arsehole,” but something more like, “Look, our two husbands have been butting heads on this DIY project, and I’m worried that if they keep at it they might fall out, and I’d really hate that to happen, so why don’t we tell ’em to take a break from working together on the house for a while?” The alternative is to just put up with it—but in my experience of having renovated half the Western hemisphere with Sharon, people get very stressed-out during construction, and at some point another, voices will be raised… or worse.

Dear Dr. Ozzy:

I have three small kids and would love to live nearer my mum so she can help out. My husband is refusing to move, however, based on the advice of his late father to “never live in the same town as your mother-in-law.” How can I change his mind?

It’s one thing saying, “I married you , not your mum” when you’re footloose and fancy free, but it’s quite another when you’ve got three little kids—which can feel like having three full-time jobs sometimes. If your husband’s putting his foot down, then I think it’s perfectly to reasonable for you to say to him, “Okay then, either you need to chip in more with the work around the house, or you need to earn more money so we can afford some extra help.” Faced with a choice between his free time or his beer money, living a bit closer to your mum might suddenly begin to seem like a brilliant idea.

Dear Dr. Ozzy:

My mother-in-law is the world’s worst cook. How can I avoid eating her food without offending her?

Get a dog. That way, you can look like a hero by filling up your plate and then coming back for more… while passing down handfuls of lumpy mashed potato to your four-legged friend under the table. Just don’t get a dog that’s too big: having a ten-stone Rottweiler burping and slobbering by your feet’s gonna be a bit of a giveaway, especially if he farts. Another trick is to stuff the food in your pocket. One time I managed to fit all three courses of one of Sharon’s dinners into my coat. The only problem was, I forgot all about it, so when she took a trip to the dry-cleaners a few months later, she found my stash of rock-hard dumplings. Most of ’em ended up being thrown at my head.

Dear Dr. Ozzy:

My wife has suddenly started going to a local “happy clappy” church. I’m not religious at all, and to be honest with you, I find it all very disturbing. Is it possible to have a marriage where one person is an atheist and the other is a devout Christian?

Some people turn to God like others turn to cocaine—usually ’cos there’s something missing in their lives. I had a very good friend who was an addict for years, and the second he gave it up, he became a Jesus-freak. It was like he swapped one for the other. Talk to your wife about it. See if you can find out what it is that’s making her so intense all of a sudden. But if she continues this way, there’s gonna be a blow up at some point, mark my words. Evangelists are supposed to evangelise, so eventually she’s gonna be on your case about the “good news.” And that’ll be very bad news for you. (After this question was published, I got an e-mail from a guy called Paul from Oxford, who said his Catholic mum and atheist dad had been together for 30 years. “The bottom line is if they have love and respect for each other,” he told me. “If not, then that’s where the problems start, irrespective of religious persuasion.”)

Dear Dr. Ozzy:

My partner is divorced and has three kids who don’t live with us. The trouble is, he never stops talking about them. He even talks to me about his bloody ex-wife! It’s driving me mad, but I’m afraid to mention it, in case he thinks I’m narrow-minded.

I’ve had first-hand experience of this problem, and it’s a tough one. At one point I was spending so much time juggling between my first wife, Thelma, and my second wife, Sharon, I’d come home and call the missus “Tharon”—which earned me more than a few black eyes, believe me. Over in California, you hear of these weird families where everyone’s divorced and remarried but still friends, but that’s gotta be pretty fucked up. I mean, we’re all human. It sounds to me like you’ve started to feel a bit like the booby prize when it comes to your bloke. My advice would be to talk to him about it, but do in a way that doesn’t sound like a criticism. Put yourself in his shoes; ask yourself what it would be like if you had a little boy or girl from another marriage, and how much you’d love them and want to stay in touch. But then explain to him that you have feelings, too, and that you need to know how you fit into his world.