Ozzy Osbourne - Trust Me, I’m Dr. Ozzy

Dear Dr. Ozzy:

My mother-in-law complains to me—in detail—about how my father-in-law fails to satisfy her in bed. What sort of brain eraser do you recommend? (I’m tempted by the Smith & Wesson method.)

As far as my kids are concerned, having sex over the age of 45 should be illegal. Never in a million years would I talk to them directly—never mind their partners—about giving one to their mum (although if they read this book they ain’t gonna have much choice). I mean, what’s wrong with this woman? No-one in their right mind wants to think about their father-in-law’s one-eyed wonder, or how good he is at swinging it between the sheets. I recommend changing the conversation, or buying ear-plugs.

Dear Dr. Ozzy:

My parents don’t get along with each other any more, but they’re so old now—late 60s and early 70s—they don’t want to divorce and end up living alone. The trouble is, their unhappiness with each other is making everyone around them miserable. Any words of wisdom?

It’s not what they should do, it’s what YOU should do. Call a family meeting. I do this all the time when something’s bothering me. Tell your folks that their bickering is getting everyone down, and that it’s reaching the point where it’s giving you so much anxiety, you don’t even want to spend time with them any more—which makes you sad, ’cos you love them both very much. If they still can’t resolve their problems after that, ask if they can at least make an effort to be civil to each other while you’re around.

Dear Dr. Ozzy:

My wife gets very aggressive during her “time of the month,” but if I point this out, she gets even angrier. What can I do about this?

If there are four words that a married man should never say to his wife—especially during an argument—it’s “time of the month.” It’s the atomic bomb option, and the bomb’s only ever gonna land in one place: on your fucking head. Personally, I have a lot of sympathy for women when it comes to the T.O.T.M.—it must be awful. My advice to you, Gary, is to simply get out of the house if you suspect that’s what’s putting your missus in a bad mood. As anyone in the Army will tell you: it’s harder to hit a moving target.

Dear Dr. Ozzy,

I want to propose to my girlfriend. The trouble is, her father died ten years ago, and now she has a stepfather who she doesn’t really like. Do I need to ask his permission?

No. But if you want to keep the peace, why not ask the mother and the stepfather at the same time? It’s never a bad idea to suck up to the in-laws, ’cos if you’re anything like me, at some point you’re gonna need all the goodwill you can get.

Dear Dr. Ozzy:

I’m convinced my husband has fallen in love with one of his colleagues, but I don’t think he’s having an affair—yet. Should I do nothing, or confront him? I’d prefer it if he had a one-night stand than a close emotional relationship with another woman.

Unless you have convincing evidence that something dodgy’s going on, I’d leave it alone. Otherwise, your husband could end up saying to himself, “Oh, well she thinks I’m messing around anyway, so why not go for it?” Or you could make him defensive, and then he might start to lie, and then you’ll have this big wedge between you. The absolute last thing you want to do is make it You vs. Them, ’cos that’ll just make ’em closer. One sneaky tactic you could use is to befriend this woman and start hanging out with her all the time—the old “keep your enemies closer” game. Not that Sharon would ever do that, mind you. If she ever suspected anything, she’d be round the other woman’s house in a heartbeat, breathing fire all over the place, and scaring the living shit out of her.

Dear Dr. Ozzy:

This will make me sound like a chauvinistic pig, but I hate the fact my wife earns far more than me. It’s not like she brags, but it’s driving me insane that she pays for everything, from the nanny to our family car. How can I consider myself a “real” man?

I know exactly how you feel. When I first started seeing Sharon, I was the smelly guy who’d pissed away all his money and been fired by his band, and she was one with diamonds and fur whose dad was a multimillionaire. It made me feel terrible. In fact, I think it would make any man feel terrible unless he’s some kind of gigolo who preys on loaded women. It might be an old-fashioned way of looking at the world, but I don’t think there’s anything wrong with wanting to provide. If that ain’t an option, though, you just need to make sure the missus knows you’re grateful—maybe by cooking dinner, doing the dishes, giving her foot massages, etc. Whatever you do, don’t do what I did, and steal a bunch of flowers from the nearest graveyard to give to her. It might have seemed like a good idea at the time, but it soon backfired when she realised there was a card attached—which I’d forgotten to take off. She thought it was gonna to be a romantic poem or something. Instead it said, “ In loving memory of our dearest Harry .”

Dear Dr. Ozzy:

My wife insists on going to therapy every week, but as the earner in the family, I get lumped with the bills. Now the therapist is telling my wife she needs an expensive holiday—and that she should stand up to me more on “financial issues”! So I’m paying someone to make me poorer and ruin my marriage. What should I do?

I’ve been in a similar situation myself, and there’s an easy solution: suggest to the missus that you go along to one of her “sessions,” so you can say to the therapist in person, “Look, I resent the fact I’m forking out good cash to help my wife, and all you’re doing is poisoning her against me.” Or you could just punch the guy in the face, and go, “Analyse that.” Seriously, though: you’ve gotta give your side of the story. Therapists aren’t superhuman, they’re just paid to listen (and make suggestions, in some cases). If your wife refuses to let you go, then it might be time to get suspicious. She could be using her weekly “sessions” as a cover up for something else, possibly involving the pool boy.

1. Which well-known historic person was sold to human traffickers by his family when he was a kid?

a) Martin Luther King

b) Joseph from the Bible

c) Oliver Cromwell

2. What’s the most number of babies (allegedly) ever born to one woman?

a) 71

b) 102

c) 69

3. In 2010, a woman in New Mexico, USA, did what to her daughter-in-law during a fight?

a) Ripped off her nipple

b) Pushed her out of a tenth-floor window

c) Tattooed “FOR SALE” on her forehead

4. According to therapists, what is the secret to a successful marriage?

a) Using flattery and persuasion

b) A bonk every other day

c) Being a total loser

5. How old was the youngest (confirmed) mother in medical history?

a) 7

b) 6

c) 5

Okay, before we start this chapter, I don’t want anyone getting the wrong idea: I ain’t saying you should go out and buy a hacksaw, a pair of barbeque tongs, and tube of Super Glue, then try and remove one of your own kidneys. If something’s bothering you, and you’ve got any choice in the matter, go to a fucking doctor— a real one, not Dr. Ozzy—instead of trying to fix the problem yourself. Especially if it involves chopping something off, taking something out, or making your tits bigger.