Ozzy Osbourne - Trust Me, I’m Dr. Ozzy

♦ He uses the stopwatch on his iPhone to time your toilet breaks.

♦ He thinks the stopwatch on his iPhone is a “pretty cool app.” But not as cool as “Pull My Finger”—which he plays with in his office while everyone else is working their butts off.

♦ He gets you wasted after work, then shaves off your eyebrows when you pass out. Oh, hang on a minute… that was me …

♦ He gives you a choice between working at the weekend or giving him a blowjob.

♦ He promotes people based on how many times they don’t work at the weekend.

♦ At a team-bonding event, he thinks it’s hilarious to shoot a paintball at your lovesack.

Dear Dr. Ozzy:

How do you cope with people who plot against you, but are as nice as pie to your face?

Number one: don’t ever work in TV, ’cos the industry is crawling with back-stabber types. Number two: you don’t have to “cope” with them—just avoid them like the plague. Unless you’re wearing handcuffs or have been slammed in a prison cell, you don’t have to be in anyone’s company (although I know it can be difficult with co-workers and bosses). I mean, if someone has B.O., you don’t choose to sit next to them, do you? It’s same with people who have toxic personalities. If it’s an option, get up and walk away.

Dear Dr. Ozzy:

Is it just me, or is it basically impossible for men to make new friends when they’re married with kids, given that the pub is now out of bounds (at least on a regular basis)?

That’s why God invented golf and fishing. Both of these things let men get out of the house and socialise with each other without getting a stage-five bollocking the next day. The trouble is, if you don’t have the patience for that stuff—I certainly don’t—there ain’t many other options. And it’s not as if someone like me can go out for the occasional quiet pint, either. One whiff of the old devil’s brew, and the next thing you know it’s 4 a.m., I’m blasted to kingdom come, and trying to drive my car through the front door. So for me the last refuge has always been the toilet. You might not make any new friends in there, but when the kids are rioting and the wife’s on your case, I highly recommend it as a way of taking a quick break.

Dear Dr. Ozzy:

Is it worth staying in touch with old friends—from high school, etc.—when you no longer have anything in common. Or is it better and more honest to just make a clean break?

Move on. The fact is, you’re a different person now than when you were a kid, so unless your old classmates have gone into the same kind of job or whatever, it’s pointless going through the awkwardness of meeting up for a beer once every ten years. Having said that, it’s sometimes interesting to see what became of the dickheads at school. I remember this one guy: he always wore the uniform (even though you didn’t have to), always did his homework on time, always came top of everything. Meanwhile, I was the prankster, thief, and school goldfish murderer. He ended up being a bus inspector. I became a rock star. Sometimes I have a good old chuckle about that.

Dear Dr. Ozzy:

As a boss, I’m struggling to deal with a worker who’s not a “team player.” Short of firing him, which seems a bit excessive, what’s the best way to manage such a difficult personality? I’m sure you have plenty of experience as the leader of a rock band.

I have a rule in my band: if there’s something you don’t like about your job, or if you’ve been offered a better gig somewhere else, all I ask is for a bit of notice before you leave. And it’s the same in reverse. So if I were you, I’d have a chat with this guy, tell him it ain’t working out, and suggest he finds a new job by the end of the year. On the other hand, if he’s doing excellent work and the only problem is that you don’t like him, I’d suggest you just deal with it, ’cos talented people are hard to find, and your employees don’t have to be your friends. If no-one else at your company likes him, either, then that’s a different matter, ’cos he’ll be affecting morale. In that case he has to go.

1. How do you say hello to close friend in Northern Mozambique?

a) Kiss them on the nose

b) Shake your fist at head level and shout, “ Wooshay ! Wooshay !”

c) Clap three times

2. According to the etiquette people at Debrett’s, what shouldn’t you “glance longingly” at during dinner?

a) The best-looking person at the table

b) Your wife’s tits

c) Your iPhone

3. How many friends does the average person have on Facebook?

a) 130

b) 95

c) 260

4. What did a New Zealand bank manager do in 2006 that made him Worst Boss of the Year?

a) Ordered female tellers to show at least three inches of cleavage

b) Had his staff tied up and robbed

c) Banned toilet breaks during office hours

5. When the workers at a Lithuanian-owned car dealership in Atlanta, USA, asked for a raise, what did the boss do?

a) Shoot them

b) Kill himself

c) Sue them for emotional distress

Most of us spend more time washing the dishes than we do taking care of our mental health. It’s unbelievable, when you think about it, ’cos of all the things that can go wrong with us, “not feeling yourself” is right up there with the worst. It ain’t exactly rare, either. According to real doctors, [6]one in four people come down with some kind of major freak-out at some point in their lives. The trouble is, even today, people don’t like to talk about it. I mean, when you go to work in the morning and the boss says, “How are you?” no-one wants to go, “Oh, I’m feeling a bit mentally ill today, actually.” You’d end up in a padded room, wearing pyjamas with no fucking sleeves.

Luckily, you can always come to Dr. Ozzy for advice. I’ve been through just about everything you can imagine: depression, panic attacks, drug abuse, cries for help, alcohol abuse, obsessive compulsive disorder… you name it, man. And the one thing I’ve learned: no matter how much you don’t want to, you’ve gotta talk about it. Go to your GP. See a therapist. Confide in friends (although it’s usually better to find someone who ain’t biased). If you keep your problems bottled up instead, they’ll only get worse over time. Having said all that, if you grew up in England when I did, the whole idea of talking about anything is a fucking joke. If someone had any kind of anxiety or depression when I was a kid, it was called a “nervous breakdown”—and people only ever mentioned it in hushed voices, behind closed doors. But times have changed. Treatments have improved. And people are beginning to realise that everyone has issues, and everyone needs to get them out in the open if they want to move on. So that’s what this chapter is about: coming clean, clearing the air, and hopefully taking the first step towards getting real help from someone who ain’t me.

Dear Dr. Ozzy:

My friends have started to tell me that I’m way too paranoid—about my boss, my girlfriend, the government… you name it. Isn’t a bit of paranoia good for you, though?

No. Being paranoid’s a terrible way to live. For example: every so often when I get on a plane, I convince myself that it’s doomed, and that everyone’s gonna die. So I spend the whole twelve hours in the air sweating and trying to stop my heart jumping out of my ribcage… which is a total waste of time, ’cos my panic attack ain’t exactly gonna stop a bomb going off, or the autopilot breaking down. I mean, I suppose you could argue that being a worrier makes you more likely to live longer, but if you’re feeling paranoid 24/7, what kind of life are you living anyway? It ain’t comfortable for the people around you, either—especially not if you’re giving your girlfriend the Gestapo treatment every time she comes home. Listen to your mates and chill out, man.