Ozzy Osbourne - Trust Me, I’m Dr. Ozzy

♦ Trepanation.If you complained about “personal demons” in the Middle Ages, they’d strap you to a table while some fat, dribbling peasant wearing a potato sack went at your skull with a hammer and chisel. The idea was to make a big enough hole to “let the demons out.” Unfortunately, more often than not, half your brains came out with ’em.

♦ Hydrotherapy.It wasn’t a good idea to suffer from hyperactivity disorder, or any kind of disorder, in Victorian times. You’d end up locked up in the loony bin, chained to a wall, and blasted in the face with a fireman’s hose—until you “calmed down.” A lot of times you calmed down so much you didn’t have a pulse any more.

Dear Dr. Ozzy,

I’ve just found out that a friend of mind is undergoing a course of electro-shock treatment for depression. It sounds terrible to me, and I want her to stop. What do you think?

When you hear the phrase “electro-shock treatment” you immediately think of One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest . But a very close friend of mine had this done, and apparently it’s nothing like it was in 1930s, when they used to basically plug you into the mains and see what happened. For a start, it’s called “electroconvulsive therapy” now. The only thing I would suggest is asking your friend if she’s absolutely sure that she’s tried everything else, because from what I understand, it’s one of those if-all-else-fails things. My friend swears that it cured her, but I’ve gotta say, I’m not sure I’d ever be miserable enough to hook myself up to one of those machines.

Dear Dr. Ozzy:

Having a strict routine makes me happy—I have an OCD-type personality and anxiety—but I worry that it’s also turning me into the world’s most boring person. What should I do?

Sometimes you’ve gotta make yourself unhappy to be happy. I mean, if you think about it, there’s an up and down to almost everything worth doing—and the down usually comes first. For example: I get horrendously anxious before gigs, but I love the adrenaline rush I get on stage. Maybe you need to test yourself a bit; do things that you make you feel nervous, and see if you like the sense of achievement you get later on. If you don’t, and you’re happier in bed at 9 p.m. every night with a cup of tea and a crossword, then stick to your routine. Better happy and boring than interesting and miserable.

Dear Dr. Ozzy:

A close friend of mine has become very angry with God, blaming Him for all his recent career, health, and romantic disappointments (of which there have been many). Now I’ve read on the Internet that this is a actually a kind of mental disorder. Should I be worried?

Most of us are taught from birth to believe in a God with a beard who lives on a fluffy white cloud or whatever, so if someone’s having a terrible run of luck, it’s ain’t exactly surprising that they might end up blaming Him. Instead of worrying about your friend going mad—it certainly doesn’t sound like a “mental disorder” to me—why not talk to him; give him a shoulder to cry on. He needs your support, not your internet research.

1. Which of these are real mental disorders?

a) Bigorexia

b) Foreign Accent Syndrome

c) Jumping Frenchman Disorder

2. If you were a hybristophiliac, what might you want to do?

a) Marry a mass murderer

b) Have two different personalities

c) Have sex with your Toyota Prius

3. This statement about the human brain is true:

a) There aren’t any “pain receptors” in your brain, so if Hannibal Lecter started to eat it, you wouldn’t feel a thing

b) While awake, your brain generates enough power to light a 100 w bulb

c) Music is the biggest trigger of emotional memories

4. How many thoughts does the average person have every day (roughly)?

a) 600

b) 70,000

c) 1 million

5. How many prescriptions for anti-depressant drugs are handed out every year in America (estimated)?

a) 18 million

b) 81 million

c) 118 million

If you’ve come to the Prince of Darkness for sex advice, you’re already in big fucking trouble. It ain’t that I don’t have a lot of experience in the bedroom department—I’ve got my fair share of war stories, like any other rocker—it’s just that I wasn’t conscious for most of it. Back in the 1970s, most chicks used to light up a cigarette after a good old bonk. Not the ones I slept with: they were too busy calling for an ambulance.

Still, I’ve picked up a few pearls of wisdom here and there, which is a good job, ’cos at least half the questions I get, especially at Rolling Stone , are from people with sex problems—or romance problems, or ball problems. Or, more often than you’d think, a combination of all three. To make things easy, I’ve rolled them all into this chapter. Just remember: there’s more to life than mind-blowing sex. And if you find out what it is, let me know.

Dear Dr. Ozzy:

When my girlfriend takes Ambien, she turns into an insatiable sexual freak. In the morning, though, she has no memory of it. Is it wrong for me to go along with this?

It sounds like I need to send my Ambien back to the pharmacy and ask for a refund: when Sharon takes it, she turns into an insatiable fucking snorer, not a sexual freak. Having said that, if your girlfriend doesn’t remember any of these epic rogerings in the morning, it seems to me like it’s dangerously close to date-rape. Aside from the fact that it ain’t right, if she ever found out about it, and you had an argument and broke up or whatever, you could end up in leg-irons and a jumpsuit. I think a confession is in order.

Dear Dr. Ozzy:

I gave my wife a vibrator as a gift. Now, every night when she thinks I’m asleep, I can hear her using next to me. We’re barely having sex, and I’m worried I can’t compete with the machine. Please help.

Hide the batteries.

Dear Dr. Ozzy:

I’ve been sleeping on and off with an average-looking girl at work for a few months—usually after a Friday night session in the pub. Yesterday I found out she’s updated her “relationship status” on Facebook and is calling me her boyfriend! I never wanted this to become serious. How can I tell her this without causing drama?

First of all, you’ve got a lot of balls calling this girl “average-looking.” What are you , Mr. fucking Brad Pitt? Secondly, if you go to bed with a girl more than once, you either have to explain to her that it ain’t serious—and run the risk of her not shagging you any more—or be a man and stop doing it, ’cos she’s gonna get hurt. You also need to ask yourself the question: “How would I feel if this were the other way around?” I mean, men are very good at saying, “Oh, it’s nothing, just the occasional shag,” but then if another bloke comes on the scene, they’re like wild animals marking their territory. Make up your mind how you feel, then stop messing this poor girl around.

Dear Dr. Ozzy,

I have a policy of not advising people on their love lives. However, I suspect my friend “Bob” (not his real name) might be having an extra-marital relationship with a neighbour, largely because he likes her breasts. If this was your mate, would you offer advice?