Sam Pink - The Self-Esteem Holocaust Comes Home

KWWKQ: A kite is something you can’t really control.

QNNQR: I agree.

KWWKQ: [opening door] You can still have some of that plastic silverware if you want it. I have a lot of it [taps pocket] Just ask if you want it. Just let me know.

They get in KWWKQ’S truck and drive away creaking. A train passes parallel to them as they drive. QNNQR watches the train pass next to him. Then it is gone. Quiet except for the creaking, again. They have nowhere to be. KWWKQ drives around and after many blocks they end up at a cemetery. It is dark out now.

KWWKQ: [pulling in slowly] Hey I think she’s buried back here [turns off headlights] I fucking hated her man. I felt real hate for her. And I’m not sorry or looking to change. I am myself right now. And I fucking hated her man.

QNNQR puts his arm in the area between window track and rolls up the window.

QNNQR: Who?

KWWKQ: [head out window, searching] The teacher who would never let me piss. She’s buried back here.

QNNQR clears his throat, an attempt at distance.

QNNQR: We should piss on her grave [looks ahead through the windshield trying to remember what he just said but it’s impossible] I’m just saying [pauses] What did I say again?

KWWKQ: [turning] Fuck. I’ll do it. Yeah I’ll definitely do it. I want to piss on her dead face. I’ll totally do that. I want her to taste it [laughs] I want to prove that I’m not sorry [then firmly] I’m not sorry man.

They drive around the cemetery path slowly, headlighting different graves. Eventually they find the one they want.

KWWKQ: Here [parks truck] you watch the truck while I go piss on her grave.

QNNQR: What happens if I don’t watch the truck? I want to come with.

KWWKQ: It will run away. It will be gone. That’s what will happen. Just stay here.

KWWKQ gets out and walks to the grave. QNNQR sits in the idling truck. He sees a leaf on the hood of the truck, pinned by the windshield wipers. He wonders if that leaf will be there for long or not really long at all. He wonders if the fry is still smashed against the ground in the same place. And he wonders how long everything will be where it is, if anything will ever change, or if no change would be better.

KWWKQ: [getting back into the truck] I pissed right on the center so if it makes it through the dirt it will touch her dead face. 100 % yay for me. You know?

QNNQR: It’s not going to make it through the coffin.

KWWKQ: [putting truck into gear, hitting headlights] I promise it will make it through.

QNNQR: Well [tapping the door with his arm and still looking at the leaf] Good. Good job. You’ve accomplished your goal. I’m proud of you. You taught me how to defile a grave. There is no way for me to repay you but with a little smile that I will perform right now. Ready?

KWWKQ: [pulls truck away] I know [laughs] I really feel like I did something.

QNNQR: You didn’t acknowledge my smile [rests head back on headrest] Now I feel worthless. But that will change in a few seconds when I forget why. No one knows how to keep anyone else company. That is true. But I love to waste time [turns to KWWKQ] Hey [pats shoulder] good work today.

They drive without speaking. They look around to see if anything has become different about the world and maybe they just haven’t noticed. They decide everything will always look the same, and that that is not comforting. And TYYTE is waiting on the bench with blood all over his shirt. He is walking around with a string tied to the dead kid’s neck, the dead kid floating. He is with his two friends, driving without a place to be. Reminding them how everyone is pretty much in one place — that there really is only one place and that there are just basically dividers in the form of walls and water and roads and other things like that. They return to the fast food place and sit in the same booth and look at the same smashed fry.

KWWKQ: [laughing] I brought my own silverware [looks at where the smiley face was, stops laughing] And I am still full of the same piss.

QNNQR draws another smiley face.

QNNQR: A kite is something you can’t control.

KWWKQ: I know.

QNNQR repeats the phrase “a kite is something you can’t control” over and over and they look at the smashed fry until an employee tells them the restaurant is closing.

The gravel shoulder of a road surrounded by a forest preserve. A speed limit sign, a metal garbage can, and a portable toilet. The door to the portable toilet opens, and a pedophile exits. He wears a dirty all-gray sweatsuit, and a garbagebag mask over his head, eyeholes removed. He takes off the garbagebag and scratches his head. He looks at his fingers.

THE PEDOPHILE: [shaking lice off fingertips] They are still with me.

The pedophile walks into the forest preserve off to one side of the road. And he comes to a clearing. In the clearing there is dead grass and a picnic table and a boy, banging plastic trucks together and sitting alone. The pedophile stands back, watching.

THE PEDOPHILE: [to himself] They are still with me.

The pedophile puts the garbagebag mask back on. He walks into the clearing.

THE PEDOPHILE: [whistles] Hey, little man. You dropped this.

The pedophile reaches into his pocket, throws a bloody tampon at the boy. The tampon lands on the grass next to the boy’s knees. Little pieces of leaf stick to it. And the boy looks at the tampon then back up at the pedophile.

THE BOY: That’s not mine. I don’t know what that is.

THE PEDOPHILE: [insistent] That is yours. I think you just don’t recognize it. Maybe you don’t remember dropping it. Maybe that’s it.

The boy looks down at the tampon then back at the pedophile.

THE BOY: Maybe that’s it.

THE PEDOPHILE: There it is, look at it [pointing] Come on now. You look at it. Look at it. Don’t you like it? [nodding] You love it. You should have been blood.

The boy looks at the tampon. He is quiet. When he looks up at the pedophile, the pedophile’s head covers the sun. All the boy sees is a black head circled by the sun. He shivers against it.

THE PEDOPHILE: Yes [pause] I am the eclipse [pause] Do you see me? [pause] Do you worship me?

THE BOY: [coughs] I feel cold. What’re you doing to me?

THE PEDOPHILE: [lifts hands, palms towards boy] I’m not doing anything. You should move away from me if you are cold [puts palms to the sky] Everything in front of me gets dead. I hide everything in front of me. Do you worship me or not? Do you want to kiss me or not?

THE BOY: I don’t know how to do that. I’m scared.

THE PEDOPHILE: [puts hands down] Everything is fine. Don’t worry. You’ll be fine. I don’t want you to be scared. Everything is fine. I hide the things in front of me. And you are one of them [evenly] You are going to die too. You know that right? It might take you longer than me, but you will get there, I believe in you. I believe in you. I do. Do you believe in me?

THE BOY: [looking at tampon] Thank you for believing in me.

The boy pinches the tampon; it leaves some maroon-colored blood on his fingers. He wipes his fingers on the grass then smells them. He retches.

THE PEDOPHILE: [laughing] Do you smell something nice? Do you smell something you remember? [evenly] You should’ve been that. You should’ve been blood. I have you all over my fingers. You are still with me.

The pedophile leaves the clearing, returns to the woods. The boy smells his fingers again. He retches.

A partially-filled bus, moving. Near the front, an old man sits behind the driver. The old man adjusts the Velcro on his shoes. He looks through the windshield. In the distance, miles away, there is a giant fire that is black, red, and white static. The fire that is black, red, and white static covers the rest of the earth. The bus drives towards the giant fire. And even if the bus stopped, it would still be moving towards the fire.