Sam Pink - The Self-Esteem Holocaust Comes Home

MALE: [opens door] So what?

The female stands, her face close to the window. Close to the man in the raincoat opposite.

FEMALE: So you said it was so great. It’s not. It’s just ok, not great. You’re a lame human. And you will be afraid of how much you hate me [looks to him] You will never be alone.

MALE: That can’t be true [pause] That can’t be true. I think you will miss me.

FEMALE: That can’t be true. You will not be spared.

The male looks at her. A long moment. He looks between the doorknob and her. Then he leaves, down the hallway. By the stairs at the end of the hallway, he encounters an old man. The old man is sawing his own head off and he’s about halfway done.

Two men sit in a booth at a fast food restaurant, waiting for their order. QNNQR sits on one side, and KWWKQ on the other side. Their faces are blurred out. Everyone in the restaurant has a blurred out face. And outside through the window, there’s a giant inflatable gorilla in the parking lot of a car dealership. QNNQR flicks some fries off the table.

QNNQR: I bet you suck at mini-golf.

KWWKQ: [watching the fries hit the ground and slide, spinning] No doubt, man. No doubt. Not patient enough.

QNNQR: [still flicking fries] Exactly.

Someone walks by and steps on one of the fries that was flicked to the ground, keeps walking. Both men look at the smashed fry, unflinching. A homeless man takes a seat at the table next to them, and rests his head in his arms. He sleeps.

QNNQR: Hey, how many times a day would you say you masturbate to hardcore pornography?

KWWKQ: Is hardcore where someone like, is getting hurt? And if so, is a stuffed animal a someone? [presses finger into steam on window] What do you mean? I need you to clarify.

QNNQR: You masturbate to pornography where stuffed animals get hurt?

KWWKQ: [draws smiley-face in steam] Yeah why.

QNNQR: How do you know they’re getting hurt?

KWWKQ pauses and looks at the smashed fry.

KWWKQ: I guess I just assumed so from the way they were getting hit. But to answer your question, about three times, no more — otherwise I get too sleepy to function like a normal human being [laughs, sarcastic] And there is so much I want to accomplish I just can’t waste any of my time.

QNNQR: [looks at smashed fry] Oh me too. Sometimes I want to be a really good human and help everyone out. But then I always get this feeling like it would much more fun to try and hurt everyone. And I never feel the same thing for too long. It makes me really uncomfortable and I want to scratch my gums and face until I pass out. Every sleeping human is perfect and every person watching another human sleep knows it will never be that perfect.

A small child climbs on a booth across the room. KWWKQ watches. Then he flicks another fry. A fast food employee calls the number of their order and KWWKQ gets the food.

KWWKQ: Hey [setting the food down] Hey do you need some plastic silverware? They got a huge pile of plastic silverware in there by the back door man [looks side to side] you want some? It’s there. I’m thinking about grabbing some. You know [slowly] for eating food with [sips his drink] at home.

QNNQR: No thanks. I have enough silverware. Having silverware and possessions makes me feel upset because there is proof that I am alive and I have things to maintain. I can’t take care of plastic silverware right now [slouches in booth] I’m not prepared. Thanks though.

QNNQR looks at the smashed fry. KWWKQ looks too. It is hard not to look at the smashed fry. The homeless man sitting at the table next to them begins to yell, head against the table and arms spread gripping the edges. Then quiet.

KWWKQ: Let me know if you change your mind about the plastic silverware [puts his drink to his face then takes it down quickly] How about we do this: If you want some plastic silverware, just be like, ‘It seems we’ve come to a fork in the road.’ But don’t make eye contact.

QNNQR: [sips drink] That’s the signal? Ok. I’ll say that, if I decide I want you to steal some plastic silverware for me.

KWWKQ: Great [pause] Hey guess what.

QNNQR draws a smiley face on the window steam, eating. Across the parking lot, the giant inflatable gorilla stares at them.

QNNQR: What.

KWWKQ: I can’t get hard [chewing] I was lying before [stares at smiley face] When we were in grade school together, the third grade teacher would never let me go to the bathroom. I would get hard to keep the piss in me [each word equally] It really hurt. I could never concentrate. Every day I held it in [swallows, pokes straw deeper] Now I can’t get hard.

QNNQR crosses out the smiley face, using his forefinger. The homeless man yells a few times. Is then quiet.

QNNQR: I value you less as a friend now. You know that. And so does the inflatable gorilla. Look how mad he is.

KWWKQ: [not listening] I got hard just keeping the piss back. I got hard to keep the piss inside me. But I ended up ruining my pants so many times. It was embarrassing having to put the seat up at the end of the day when people lined up to leave the classroom. I hate everything in the world. Catholic school taught me how to hate everything in the world. And they did a good job. I can’t get hard anymore and I hate myself real-good.

QNNQR: Were you more of a hide the boner in your beltline kind of guy, or did you do the hunchback walk to hide it?

KWWKQ doesn’t answer. At the table next to them, the homeless man is asleep. He is not yelling anymore. QNNQR and KWWKQ take turns drawing smiley faces in the window fog, only to erase them then wait for new fog. They finish their food without talking. They leave to the alley and share a cigarette. On the way out KWWKQ takes a huge handful of plastic utensils from by the backdoor.

QNNQR: [knocking cigarette pack against thigh] When we were inside I caught a guy looking at me and, I felt like I wanted to kill him [taking plastic off cigarette pack] Did you see that guy? With the sweater? [vague gesture] Of course, when I remembered about the laws against that, I decided not to do it. Otherwise I would have. It angers me that I have to not-kill him. He kept looking at me. I mean it was bullshit. That bothers me [lights cigarette using his coat to block the wind] Seriously. Let’s kill him. Yeah, let’s do this. Let’s finish this cigarette then go kill him and then we can look at that smashed fry some more. Did you see that thing? I couldn’t stop looking at it.

In the alley where they stand, only the head of the inflatable gorilla is visible from over the top of a garage.

QNNQR: The gorilla wants us to kill him.

KWWKQ: No, I don’t want to kill him. I’m too weak. I don’t want to kill him. Fighting makes me sick. I hate it. My dad punched my mom in the mouth one night and then made her sing happy birthday to him. And she couldn’t sing it right. She kept trying. I tried to help her sing but my dad punched me in the mouth too and it hurt really bad. Then he did that every night after that. I had to fill my mouth will ice cubes to stop the hurting. But I don’t think the hurting went away, I think it went to sleep. When something is sleeping, it will always come back. Barely anything is smart enough to die in its sleep. I held in so much piss when I was younger. So much. There is a lot. It is the size of the Atlantic but it is inside me. I think bigger things can be inside smaller things.

QNNQR: So we’re not killing the sweater-guy who looked at me weird then kept looking at me? Yes or no. Just tell me.

KWWKQ: [not listening, watching puddle] I’m remembering the sound of the punch to my mom’s face. She is the one who taught me how to forget things. There is nothing as upsetting as the sound of a fist on someone’s face. It’s sick [hits fist into hand] Just beating flesh. Whap [shivers] Whap. Beating [he stops, recalling something] Hey, remember TYYTE? He was in our class. Really quiet guy — did you know him? It’s hard to remember anyone else in our class. I never see them anymore. People are disappearing from my life. They don’t announce it either.