Sam Pink - The Self-Esteem Holocaust Comes Home

THE DRIVER: [through bloody mouth] Hey uh [shakes head] I don’t know about you guys, but, I’m not going to run. Just let him go. I’m toot ired.

THE PASSENGER: [holding his ripped face together] Did you say “too tired” or “toot ired.”

THE DRIVER: [turning head] What?

THE MAN FROM THE BACKSEAT: It seems stupid that we all just passed up an opportunity to learn from The Greatest Dad in the World. What will we do now? There is no greater dad than him [ruffles bag of cans] He won’t even be a father to this bag of cans and bottles. I didn’t even know you could be the father of some cans and plastic bottles. We need to put the bags of cans and bottles before ourselves. See? That’s our problem [nodding, earnest] We’re selfish.

THE DRIVER: It has been proven that cans and plastic bottle that grow up in a home with a father are less likely to resort to crime. Him being the greatest dad makes that even more true. We should adopt them.

THE PASSENGER: [coughs, blood comes out through his hand, down his arm] We can find him if we follow the footsteps he left on the ground [gets out of car] Come on.

He shines the blue light of his phone onto the snow, holds his face together with the other hand.

THE DRIVER: Hey you guys this may seem weird but last night I sat in my room trying to fall asleep and I kept grinding my teeth as hard as I could — really really fucking hard [looking at blue lit footsteps] and when I woke up my face and neck hurt. I sucked out the clots from beneath each tooth and that was my breakfast hallelujah [shaking head, laughs] Alright, let’s go. We can go.

They crouch and follow the phone-lit footsteps of The Greatest Dad in the World. And they travel in quiet.

A male and a female are taking a shower together in a small cold bathroom. The female runs her hair beneath the showerhead and then squeezes the water out.

FEMALE: Are you done?

MALE: [looking at his feet] Yes.

The female shuts the water off and steps out of the shower. She begins to towel off. The male stays in the shower, watching the water drain.

FEMALE: [toweling hair] Why are you still standing there?

MALE: Do you ever worry that something is leaving with the water? [holds elbows] And that it will never come back?

FEMALE: Not at all.

They both stand there until the water drains. The only sound is the fan taking the steam out of the room. The male gets out and takes the towel from her and dries off, still thinking that something is bothering him and that it may have nothing to do with the water draining.

MALE: Maybe I owe the water an apology.

The male and the female put their underwear on and face the mirror. The only sound is the fan.

MALE: [reaching past her to grab deodorant] I love you more than anything.

FEMALE: [combing hair, making eye contact with him in mirror] Hey, can you hand me that lipstick on the windowsill behind you?

MALE: [turning] Here you go.

FEMALE: Thanks, I think— [she stops and looks at her hand then holds a shard of glass up to the mirror] Nice try. Nice. Try. You think this would kill me? [slowly, evenly] You will ne-ver kill me. You will never be alone. You will never say goodbye to me. And you. Will never. Be alone.

The male twists his chesthair, nervous.

MALE: That is one of my worries [looking up] I hate you. But I am content with staying with you until you die or turn against me, rather than trying to leave you now. Because I am very weak. And I try not to hurt other peoples’ feelings. Those two things make my life long. Those two things don’t leave with the water.

The female looks at him in the mirror. Puts on her deodorant.

FEMALE: Why do you feel that way? [switches arms] Why do you have feelings? I don’t have any feelings — at all. Ever. I don’t have any feelings. How do you feel right now? Tell me.

The male puts the toilet lid down and sits on it.

MALE: I feel like an elderly man who committed suicide with a handgun and died face down on a quilt his dead wife made for him.

A long pause. They remain facing opposite directions.

FEMALE: You will never be alone.

MALE: [looking at his feet] Stop saying that. It can’t be true.

They leave the bathroom and enter the female’s bedroom. The male turns on the ceilingfan light. The words “YOU’RE DEAD” are projected on the wall.

FEMALE: Hey, what the fuck.

MALE: Yeah, I wrote “YOU’RE DEAD” on the lightbulb. It took me a few lightbulbs to get it legible. I mean, I didn’t really have anything else to do this afternoon.

The blinds hit against the window and the female is nervous, looking at the walls and the blinds and anything else with distinct features. She looks at the words “YOU’RE DEAD” on the wall and turns to the window, trying not to cry. The face she makes while trying not to cry should not be seen by anyone. She looks through the window at the forest preserve in the distance.

FEMALE: [slowly composed] I used to ride my bike back there [craning her neck] Until I got molested by a man with a raincoat on [laughing] I heard that fucker got shot last week because the police thought he was reaching into his pants for a gun. That makes me feel good [tone lightens] But everybody gets molested though. So it’s cool. I don’t hate him. He was my dad. I have to love him.

The male looks out the window. He appears to be thinking.

MALE: Huh. Did the man in a raincoat have soft hands? Or what.

FEMALE: [not facing the male] Yes he did. He had very soft hands.

MALE: Everybody gets molested [pause] Do you have any chapstick? I can still taste one of your kisses.

The female reaches into a drawer.

FEMALE: Yeah here.

MALE: [undoes lid] Hey, you didn’t poison this at all or anything? Huh?

The female refuses to look. And a man in a raincoat appears a foot from the window. He is not smiling.

MALE: Come on, you have to tell me if I ask. Did you poison this?

FEMALE: [pause] Alright. Yes. I did. I crushed up some rat poison and sprinkled it on. It’s because you leave all the time. I’m sorry.

The male tosses the chapstick to the ground.

MALE: That’s ok. At least you were honest. I just wanted you to be honest.

FEMALE: [turning to him] It was just a little poison. You would’ve been fine, ultimately.

The female’s cat runs up behind the male, bites his toe.

MALE: [holds foot] Fuck.

THE CAT: [looking up] Reer.

MALE: [looking down] I didn’t know that.

THE CAT: Reer.

MALE: Well that remains to be determined.

THE CAT: Reer.

MALE: Now you’re just being an asshole.

THE CAT: Reer.

The cat bites the male’s toe again then runs away.

MALE: [to the female] I will forgive the cat because the cat’s brain has maybe like two folds in it. Its brain can’t accomplish much [turns] Oh hey [reaching into backpack on floor, hands the female a wrapped present] Here you go. I forgot I bought you a present today. When I saw these, I totally thought of you. I had to get them. This is for reminding me I will never be alone.

FEMALE: [opening present, looking at the male] I’m so excited.

When she’s finished removing the paper, she opens the box and finds two frogs with rubber bands wrapped tightly around their necks. They are motionless. The female sits on the bed and cries. She drops the box. The male puts his shoes on to leave. He appears disgusted. A breeze pulls the blinds against the windowframe again.

FEMALE: [wiping her face, sniffling] Hey, I tried that toothpaste you were bragging about. I tried the supposedly great toothpaste you bought.

MALE: [hand on the doorknob, turning] Yeah?

FEMALE: Yeah it’s not that fucking great. I think you exaggerated. I think you were trying to impress me.