Deborah Levy - Billy and Girl

She dives into the ocean, takes a deep long breath, plunges under and walks the sea beds searching for mussels and kelp. Dragging slabs of meat from a beached whale, calling out to her cubs to come and feast. Large silent feet checking for ice cracks and explosions of sea ice. Opening FreezerWorld tins with the rake of a claw. Searching for tundra berries in the snax section. On her hind legs piercing a battery-hen egg and sucking it dry. Drawing breath without sound. Under the neon night light her fur is a collection of whites, apricot yellows, straw, ripe wheat. Frolicking. Juggling packets of mustard pretzels in her paws. Sleeping with her eyes open, ears twitching.

Mr Tens is master of the Frozen World. Assured now. Walking with confidence through the ice maze, no Muzak, taking special care of Louise because she is on his payroll. One of his fisher-women. Treading quietly, finger on his lips, ‘I don’t want to scare her.’

Her . Billy and Girl can’t believe he says ‘her’ so breezily. Stops outside a door with his name on it. MR TENS, MANAGER. Gestures for them to wait while he knocks on his own door. Turns the handle. Peers in.

‘Only me, Mrs O’Reilly.’

A woman’s voice saying something. ‘Hello, Terry. Nearly finished the script for Monday.’ Terry Tens putting his face in.

Mrs O’Reilly reading her script, not looking at him. No expression in her voice. She sounds tired.

‘Good morning, ladies and gentlemen. And thank you for starting your week at FreezerWorld. Today we’re proud to offer you quality goods for every budget.’ She stops. Weary. ‘Just the usual, Terry. I mentioned the reduction on yesterday’s bread. And an announcement for Louise if you don’t mind. To call the hospital for news of her grandfather. Can you read my writing?’

Mr Tens stands to one side as Girl, Billy, Louise and Raj walk into his secret FreezerWorld life.

Mrs O’ Reilly sits at a desk surrounded with sheets of paper. Writing by hand. Scripts written and crossed out. Just like Billy’s recent notes. Shoes neatly tucked under her chair. A plate of FreezerWorld lemon fingers placed just so by her mug of tea. Red hundred per cent wool coat hanging on a hook behind the door.

Mom. A room of her own in the superstore. Earning her keep in the FreezerWorld. Writing words for Mr Tens to broadcast. Writing messages to her kiddies. The security cameras hidden in the managerial office warned her in advance that the hunting party were trudging towards her. She watched them climb through the corridors of FreezerWorld stock waiting to be unpacked. Her children on the screen walking through the Frozen World to claim their frozen mother. Hunters with tension in their bodies, alert, hungry and fearful. Mrs O’Reilly willing them to stop in their tracks and turn back, checking the screen to see if they carry hunting weapons. Following her scent. Mom. A creature of the Arctic edges. Hibernating, nocturnal, terrified.

Mom looking so ordinary. Bit of a new hairstyle. Faint circles under her eyes. Sitting there staring at them all. Billy and Girl and Louise with blood on their clothes. The two girls look the worst. Like they’ve thrown themselves into the propeller of a small helicopter. Perhaps she should take them all straight to casualty? That way she won’t have to say anything for a while. Just give them to doctors and nurses, fill in forms, hold their hands while their cuts and bruises are dabbed with antiseptic, stitched and bandaged up, making conversation with the receptionist about the weather. It’s a bit rainy, if you know what I mean. Not exactly rain. More like slabs of frozen sea. Treading water between the cracks.

There they are. Her kiddies. Not even the security video could prepare her for how much they’ve changed. She bought them a card for every one of their five birthdays without her and never sent them. What are Mom’s first words?

‘How are you, Rajindra?’

Raj goes mad. Loops his thumbs into his belt and starts ranting. ‘I’m not all right, Mrs O’Reilly. I’m done in.’ Walks across the FreezerWorld managerial carpet, waving his arms. ‘Done everything I can for your fucking mad, demented children. Mended their crap car, fed’em the crap food they like, minding my own business in my own crap shop and then I do what boys do and kiss a girl.’ Sly look at Louise and Louise. ‘What happens, your fucking son goes crazy on me. Won’t talk. I mean, what’s wrong with him, what’s wrong with her, it’s what people do, they kiss each other, you know, it’s hormones, romance, it’s an old idea, you’ve seen it on TV, you’ve seen it at fucking bus stops, you’ve seen it on chocolate wrappers, you’ve seen it on bottles of nail-varnish remover, you see it all the time, right?’ Raj making his way towards his girlfriend’s brother. ‘What did I do to make you go dumb, you stoopid fucker … I put my lips like this—’ Raj puts his arm around Billy, presses his lips against his boy lips and sticks his tongue into Billy’s boy mouth. ‘That’s what it is, it’s called kissing …’ Billy shoves his fist straight into Raj’s nose … knocks him flat out cold on the FreezerWorld liver-pâté-coloured carpet.

‘What do you think you’re doing, Billy?’ Mrs O’Reilly stands up, brushing crumbs off her neat blue dress. ‘No son of mine cracks a punch at someone who shows them a bit of affection!’ She makes her way to Raj in her tan tights, kneels down and wipes his forehead with a little tea towel. ‘I’m disgusted,’ Mrs O’Reilly says again. ‘Hitting out like that.’

Stroking Raj’s hair. Cooing at him. Rajindra? Saying ‘Rajindra’ over and over like the tape has got stuck, looking at her kids and Mr Tens too. Has Terry been fighting? Looks like he’s been in a pub brawl.

‘When he kissed me everything went yellow,’ Billy says, clutching his chin, holding his arms out towards Mom. Louise and Girl biting their hands, not wanting to put Billy off his first words. Billy is a baby and he’s just got language. Put his first sentence together. Little squeaky voice.

‘Everything went yellow.’ Girl knows Billy’s talking about what it felt like to be slugged by Dad when he was five.

Such a long way to Mom, falling on to her, no kiss, just arms around her, eyes shut, and Girl walking in that direction now, shy steps, taking it slowly, Mom holding out one of her arms. Girl making her way there.

‘Dear,’ Mom says. Dear. Such an old word. From her heart to her lips. Mom’s love word just swiped them on the cheek and moistened them with tears. It was as if she had said ‘Beloved’, crammed all the meaning of ‘beloved’ into ‘dear’ because she was too shy to say anything grandiose or flamboyant. Keeping it simple, stating obvious things, no speech up her sleeve to cry through.

Mrs O’Reilly looks up at FreezerWorld Louise. The girl she took in because she had the same name as her daughter. Loving her. ‘What are those bruises on your face?’

Louise is not shy, walking fast towards her mother.

‘How did you get to be in such a mess?’ Mom staring at her two girls, fighting to free her hand under Billy who won’t budge. ‘What happened to your face?’

FreezerWorld Louise says, ‘Sorting it out. Lou and me. It’s okay.’

‘I’m glad to hear it.’

Raj opens his eyes. Everyone on the floor with him. Mom and Girl and Louise and Billy. All in a huddle on their knees. Mr Tens eating the lemon fingers. ‘Gah gah gah gah gah ded ded gah gah ded.’

‘What have you done to him?’ Mrs O’Reilly whispering.

Billy stirring. Breathing easier. ‘He’s saying god’s dedd. Wants a pizza.’

‘Why’s he saying that, Billy?’

FreezerWorld Louise is sitting with her mother. Waiting for everyone. Mom smearing a little bit of Nivea into her cheeks. They really went for each other, those girls.