Deborah Levy - Billy and Girl

Soon all the kids in England will be pushing up daisies.

That’s what Girl says every night before I go to sleep. Girl is my sister and I’m scared of her. She’s seventeen years old and got ice in her veins. Tonight she reads me my rights.

‘Billy,’ she says in that voice like turps, ‘you have the right to complain about the weather. You have the right to promote Billy products when you’re famous. You have the right to help me find Mom and you have the right to tell me what happened to Dad. Which one is it to be?’

Yesterday she bought me a present. A pair of stacked red trainers wrapped in folds of white tissue paper. She likes me to look like a baby gangster and I don’t mind, but now I have to pay for them. My sister pretends to be retarded sometimes so she doesn’t have to speak or react like other people do. Just as you think she is in Neverland, she suddenly springs on you with her white-trash fists.

Girl was in love once. She was nice to me then and bought me a badminton set for us to play in the park. Love made her high enough to sing and jump and swipe the shuttlecock back to me with the toy racquet. Her sweetheart was called Prince. He bought me a water pistol and I shot myself in the ear, up the nostrils, in my heart, on the inside of my thigh, dying for the neighbourhood cats with their spacey eyes.

‘Which one are you going to choose, Billy?’ Girl’s black eyes always vacant, conveniently giving the impression she is braindamaged. I am in the womb of my mother who will later disappear without trace. ‘Don’t cry,’ Girl chides me, twisting her thin lips.

I am in the womb of my mother. I hear car alarms go off and sometimes I hear my father. He says, ‘Hello, babykins. This is your daddy speaking. We are looking forward to meeting you, over and out.’ I hear cats purring and Girl shouting, ‘You’re late, brother. Come on out!’ I don’t want to be born. I’m never coming out. Dad tries again: ‘Hello, babykins, it’s your daddy here. Time to face the world like a man — look forward to meeting you, son. Over and out.’

Mom used to stroke my head, babying me. I’d like to eat something with onions in ’em. Pizza or soup. Like Mom used to make before she disappeared. The night before she birthed me, she swam in shorty pyjamas and ate cinnamon buns. Life could have been amazing. We could have gone together to the video shop and bought ice cream, jelly beans and micro popping corn. We could have sat at home and watched a film, sprawled on the floor, stuffing ourselves.

Girl says, ‘No, Billy, that is someone else’s memory. We never went to a video shop.’

Yes, we did. When RoboCop says, ‘Stay out of trouble,’ I listen to him, but the trouble is in my head. It’s in my chest and the back of my neck. After I was born I howled the hospital down. I howled like the heart that had taken nine months to grow was going to splatter onto the silver stainless-steel tray the midwife was holding nearby just in case.

I can see myself clearly as I was then. This is how I came to be Brother Billy in the English climate. I started life as a cell. The male and female chromosomes are fusing. I am two cells. Now I am a cluster of cells. Suddenly I am a tiny embryo embedded in Mom’s uterine wall. Four weeks old and I’m two millimetres long. I have the beginnings of a nervous system. No fingernails to chew yet. My hands and feet have ridges which will become fingers and toes. A spinal cord has begun to form. Ten weeks and my kidneys have started to produce urine. I weigh eight grams, like a little packet of mince. By the end of the third month I’ve grown a forehead, little snub nose and a chin. Watch out, family, cos my lips are beginning to move. I’m never coming out. Even to have a go at them. I’m not going to arrive. I wrinkle my forehead in preparation for sorrow and disgust. I’m learning how to swallow and breathe. Mom is being sick on Dad’s best Elvis-style shirt. Afterwards she guzzles salt and vinegar crisps helped by Girl who’s always got her sticky white fingers in the bag. Twelve weeks old and I can hear her sharp little teeth crunching crisps. I can hear Mom’s heartbeat. I can hear her blood whooshing. Mom is crying and Dad is crying. Girl just snivels. I can hear doors banging. Eighteen weeks old and I want to retire. That’s a long time to live in my book. I’ve had enough. No such bloody luck. Mom keeps on eating and I keep on growing. I’m sucking my fingers in fucking dread. Oh God. I can taste something. Dad does his rocker’s croon. ‘Hell-oo, Babykins — we’re going to call you Bill-ee!’ Mom tells Dad she wants him to leave the house and never come back. My eyes are tight shut. I am six months inside Mom and if I was born now I might survive out of her body. I want a good-looking woman lawyer who loves children to take my case to the European Courts. I’ve got toenails. Mom tells Dad I’m pressing against her bladder and she got caught short. Dad laughs and strokes her belly. That’s when I open my eyelids and start to kick. Eight months and my testicles began to descend into the scrotum. I got hiccups. Why? Because Mom’s producing adrenalin. It’s flooding into the bloodstream. She’s frightened. Her fear is leaking hormones into me: I am in biochemical harmony with Mom and I got fear in me too. Now my fingernails have reached the fingertips. I’m going down now, head first. I got a lot of fat laid down ready for the world. Girl is singing something horrible. Mom’s got sweet stuff in her breasts waiting for me. Yep, for me. Billeeeeee! Thing is, I won’t be coming out to taste it. Oh, no. The weather will be cool out there, I know it. I don’t want to arrive. No No No No. Oh God, no ! The midwife pats Mom’s forehead with a towel. ‘He’ll give in, don’t worry, love. He’s got the whole family to meet, hasn’t he?’

Leave out the formal introductions, won’t you. I’m sure the family will make themselves known to me in their own good time.

All normal infants are supposed to smile, aren’t they? Laughter is genetically coded into the body. I’m slapping my little white thighs and chortling already.

Dad pulled into a petrol station. He put the pump into his mouth and got five pounds’ worth. Then he took out his pack of cigarettes and lit up. It was the biggest barbeque south London had ever seen. My father had never smoked before. This was his first and last cigarette and his suicide was the most splendid thing he ever did in his life. Girl and I have talked about it over and over. We decided he must have bought the pack from the newsagent near the Odeon. Coins cold in his hand. Black secret in his heart. Streatham’s lone cowboy without horse or bourbon, just an imagination never expressed until now. All the people coming out of the Esso shop clutching sausage rolls and cans of Fanta fell about screaming. A reporter from a newspaper offered Mom the chance to ‘open her heart to the world’. Afterwards she bought Girl a Cindy doll with long blond hair, a blue bikini, a little pearl necklace and a plastic Ferrari with silver wheels. We set fire to Cindy one night and watched her melt in front of our eyes. Then I went off to watch Looney Tunes outside the TV shop in the mall.

After I was born Mom took special painkillers because they cut her up at the hospital to pull me out. Remember I didn’t want to come out. They cut her and then told her to cross her heels like a cat. ‘Cross your heels like a cat,’ the midwife said, and yanked out the placenta with both hands. I lay on Mom’s breast and they stitched her while Dad cried in the corridor, eventually putting his head round the door and whispering, ‘All right, pet?’