Rachel Cantor - A Highly Unlikely Scenario, or a Neetsa Pizza Employee's Guide to Saving the World

I, uh, I, uh.

You don’t know your name! Leonard called out. Come on, Dwane , what’s your name?

I, uh.

Even this small child here knows the names of all the demons in the third ether, don’t you, Felix?

I do, Felix said.

One last chance, Leonard said, as Abulafia approached to look again at Dwane’s face, which was the very picture of befuddlement. Who is the king of the third ether?

That’s easy! I am! Dwane said, smiling. I am the king-of-everything demon!

Trick question! Leonard said. Felix, do the clapping song with me, and Felix did.

Who is the king of the [ clap ] third ether?

Trick question!

There are [ clap ] three parts to the [ clap ] third ether!

Asmodeus is the king of the [ clap ] upper ether! And Lesser Lilith is his wife!

Kafkaphony is the king of the [ clap ] middle ether! And Kafkaphony has two wives!

Sarita is his wife for the [ clap ] first six months! Sagrirta is his wife for the second!

Kafsephony is the king of the [ clap ] bottom ether! And Mehetzabel is his wife!

Who is the king of [ clap ] all the demons?

Samael is the king of [ clap ] all the demons! And great Lilith is his wife!

Oh, yes, Samael is king of [ clap ] all the demons. Samael is king of them all!

The demon is a fraud, Abulafia said. I am sorry I doubted you. I am also glad I don’t have to kill you.

Sally, who had never heard the song, was astonished.

I knew you knew about the third ether — why wouldn’t you tell me! Felix’s drawing, the one he made for me, it was a drawing of the demons — I knew it was! It matched what I read from the Voynich! Bacon probably studied with your Mr. Kohen!

Bacon? Abulafia said. Feh! I don’t eat this trayf.

I was all alone, Sally said to Leonard. I was the only one who could see what I saw. I told you and you made me think I was crazy!

It was Isaac, Leonard said. He didn’t want you to know. He said you had to choose your destiny first, before you could know.

I can’t believe you didn’t tell me! I hate you, Leonard! I hate everything about you!

It wasn’t me! Leonard said, horrified, his ears turning red.

I hate you wholly and completely! I lied before: you looked stupid running through the streets in your sleepsuit, you should have been embarrassed! I hate you!

I still think you should kill her, Dwane said.

Shut up, Dwane! Sally said, grabbing the watch from Leonard’s hand. You’re finished! I’m finished with all of you— all of you! I’m going to find Roger Bacon and never see any of you ever again!

Me too? Felix asked.

You can’t get rid of me! Dwane said.

I can! Sally said. I should have done this ages ago.

Hit me with your best shot! Dwane said, and giggled.

I have a question for the Brazen Head! she said. Bring me the Brazen Head!

A small whirring came from the watch. Leonard looked over Sally’s shoulder: the Head was sitting on his velvet throne and picking his teeth with a gold toothpick.

Brazen Head! I want you to find evidence that Dwane is real. Go! Now!

The Head dropped his toothpick. He stared at Sally.

“Please repeat the question. The Head is having difficulty comprehending.”

You heard me! Sally shouted. Bring me any evidence you can find that Dwane is real. Go! Now! You’re not allowed to do any other work until you find me this evidence.

The Head’s face became red; steam began to issue from its ears.

It will take him three eons and a millennium, she said. He will never find proof and he will never stop looking. After three eons and a millennium, his mechanism will die.

You! Abulafia said. The three turned to him. He was looking quite fiercely at Sally.

I can’t believe I didn’t see it before, he said. You also have the gift. I did not know this was possible in a woman. Three in one room? By all rights the world should have broken apart.

He may have been making a joke, but no one was laughing.

It hasn’t broken apart because you haven’t yet learned to use your powers, Abulafia said. Not fully. I can help you. You also see the letters dancing, don’t you? You are the sole descendant of Ezra ben Solomon, the elder of Isaac’s two disciples. I can see this now. This is why Isaac is so interested in you. But he wants to control you, dear lady; I want to teach you! Shall I teach you? I can teach you to read those dancing letters — better yet, I can teach you to make them dance! Alone, you will achieve nothing, alone your Special Gift means nothing! Together, there will be nothing you and I cannot do!

Sally’s face turned white. She looked first at Abulafia, then at Leonard.

I, uh …, she said.

You will be a great leader, Abulafia continued. I see who you are now: a leader! You surround yourself with books, but you are meant to lead armies! That is your destiny. To lead the army of the faithful in the ultimate fight against evil! You do not need this one here, he said, referring to Leonard. Leonard fulfilled his destiny simply by being here, in my presence, and caring for that boy. You are destined to do so much more, and you will, with my help. Together, you and I can be the Messiah.

We can? she said.

Sally, Leonard said, I need to show you something, and he stroked Sally’s cheek.

Again her eyes fluttered; she looked like she was thinking about something very far away.

I know you’re mad at me, Leonard said, but please look at one thing before you make up your mind — and he stroked her other cheek. It wasn’t fair, but he had no choice.

Sally?

Mute, Sally nodded, and Leonard removed his hand from her cheek.

What? she asked. What’s going on?!

Look, Leonard said, and he concentrated his thoughts into a diamond, and with that diamond etched the song of his heart onto the aleph, so that in it, Sally could see herself . Leading an army — not of strange people from the Middle Ages, but of people she understood, her people: barbecuties and Survivalists and flamethrowers, Dada Diner hashslingers and Luddite bakers, friars, alchemists, and optics researchers, wagonette drivers, librarians, and policemen with justice sticks — Cathars, even. She was their leader!

You will always have your Special Gift, Leonard murmured into her ear. You are your Special Gift, you are our Special Gift. Roger Bacon can’t give you anything you don’t already have, neither can Abulafia. This here, this is your destiny.

Sally kept looking. She saw the power of Ezra combine with the power of Azriel in a cascade of exquisite explosions. She saw knowledge enter the world, and justice.

There’s more, Leonard said. Look. You will never be lonely. You will never be alone, not ever again.

She saw herself as a white-haired woman wearing a general’s round orange cap, bobbling on her knee … a child, her granddaughter , she saw so much joy. A child with ebullient hair and headbeads, who juggled letters and numbers, making the most glorious patterns. The child, this grandchild, looked at Sally through the aleph’s clear haze and smiled.

Okay, Sally said. I’m ready. I’m ready to go home.

Meow, said Medusa

The mechanics of how they returned are not important. Suffice it to say, there was a circle, a mixing of letters in Sally’s head, a silent singing by Leonard of the clapping song, some hopping and dancing according to a well-established pattern, and a mysterious extra ingredient provided by Abulafia, which Sally and Leonard could neither see nor hear.