Rachel Cantor - A Highly Unlikely Scenario, or a Neetsa Pizza Employee's Guide to Saving the World

Sally’s cheek

They might catch us, Sally said. Who knows what Dwane’s told them.

Leonard took her hand.

It could be dangerous, he said. I’d understand if you didn’t come along — and he stroked her cheek.

Uhhh, Sally said in a dreamy voice. I, uh …

Felix is my responsibility, Leonard said. You could go find Bacon. I’d understand — and he stroked her other cheek.

Her eyes fluttered shut; she looked like she was thinking about something very far away.

I do care about you, she murmured. I, uh … I, uh …

Astonished, Leonard stopped stroking her cheek; her eyes snapped open.

Did you say something? she asked. Where are we? What are we waiting for?

A villa in Viterbo

They walked more or less on tiptoe, to the amusement of the stone bakers, who watched them stop every few feet or so to listen. Nothing . But the fish market wasn’t far — as they crept down the lane they could smell the shad and hear the proudly hawking fisherpeople.

Do you have anything left in your inflatable pocket? Leonard whispered as they arrived at the corner of the market.

I have my house ID scrambler, Sally said. I didn’t lose that.

Keep it handy, Leonard said. Hear anything?

They strained their eardrums for sounds of Leonard, or Dwane, but heard only tumult around the corner, and then the man with the very loud voice:

WHERE BE THE MISCREANTS WHO DOTH READ THE HERETICAL TALMUD TOME? I SHOULD LIKE TO HARM THEM, FOR EXAMPLE, WITH A BRANK !

Leonard and Sally peeked their heads around the corner. An enormous man with spiked boots and a broad back and a very clean tunic was leaning over a marble stone, shouting at a fisherperson, who was plainly flummoxed.

COME, MADAM, I SHALL NOT HARM THEE, UNLESS IT BE THEE WHO CONCEALETH THE BOY WITH THE EBULLIENT HAIR! SPEAK, MADAM! TELL UGOLINO DE BARBARUBEIS WHERE THE TALMUD READERS RESIDE, AND WHERE I MAY FIND THE BOY!!!

When the fisherperson merely gawped, the enormous man yowled and grasped the marble stone with two colossal fists, upending it, with all its fish, into the mud. He then picked up the terrified fisherperson by the neck and, shaking her, said to the square:

SOMEONE SHALL TELL ME WHERE THESE MISCREANTS BE OR THIS BLAMELESS FISHERPERSON SHALL DANCE IN A WELL !

I’ll show him wells! Sally said, getting ready to fly at him, but Leonard restrained her.

The dangling fisherperson tried to speak but could only produce a choking, burbling sound.

WHAT? THE FISHERPERSON WISHES TO SPEAK? WHAT SAY THEE? the man asked, and dropped the woman to the ground.

I merely wished to ask, yer honor, that ye release me, I being just then about to expire.

HAST THOU NOT HEARD ME, FISHER WENCH? — but before he could pick her up again, someone from the crowd shouted: They’re in the thee-a-ter, yer honor. I seen ’em sneakin’ in, the Jew magician and his redheaded boy.

GOOD MAN! the man with loud boots shouted. THOU SHALT HAVE FROM ME A VILLA IN VITERBO! And off he stomped.

Instruction from a demon

Sally and Leonard followed the man called Ugolino, while also trying to look inconspicuous: Leonard whistled the NP theme song, while Sally feigned interest in fish. When they were well away from the fisherpeople’s market, they could hear — was it? could it be? — Dwane, advising Ugolino about … Abulafia?

Abraham Abulafia was a Spanish mystic of the thirteenth century. He worked with the special characteristics of the Hebrew alphabet — the meanings and sounds and shapes and vibrations of each individual letter. By doing so, he became a great prophet of extraordinary powers .

Familiar words.

I wrote that, Sally said, disgusted.

We need to get the watch back, Leonard said.

Sally nodded.

TRIPE! Ugolino shouted at the navigator watch. I SHALL DO GREAT HARM TO THIS FALSE PROPHET, FOR EXAMPLE, WITH A FLAIL !

As you like , they heard Dwane say, but make sure you get the girl. She’s key .

TRIPE AND MORE TRIPE! Ugolino shouted. THE DAMSEL IS NEVER KEY!

Still, she’s bad and I think you ought to hurt her .

I AM ALWAYS DELICATE WITH DAMSELS. WHAT’S MORE, SHOULDST I TAKE INSTRUCTION FROM A DEMON?

Dwane laughed.

Never been cammed

As Ugolino argued with Dwane, he didn’t notice Leonard and Sally trailing a block behind him. They soon arrived at a massive rounded edifice consisting of two tiers of dirty brown and white arcades plus a third, walled level up above. The theater, presumably, though Leonard could see no banners or endorsements, no certificates of amusement.

It seemed the people of this town would turn any arcade into a makeshift marketplace: here, swarthy carcass dealers shouted the benefits of their wares and gestured with enormous bloody cutlasses, their aprons smeared with effluvia. At their feet, the inner bits of beasts were gnawed upon by shameless cats.

Leonard had never seen anything so horrifying.

I’m going to stop him, Sally said.

No! Leonard said, grabbing her arm.

He doesn’t know my face. I’ve never been cammed.

The Head didn’t cam you?

Why would I let the Head cam me? and she was off behind Ugolino in a flash. Ugolino was pacing before the carcass dealers, shouting something Leonard couldn’t hear. Perhaps he was trying to find a doorway large enough to accommodate his gargantuan frame, or determine where he might create one with his fist.

Sally crept up behind him and sprayed the building with her ID scrambler.

Ugolino, alerted by the spraying sound, stepped back, bumping into Sally, who sprawled to the ground.

DEAR LADY PILGRIM! he exclaimed. I AM MOST HEARTILY CHAGRINED. ALLOW ME TO HELP THEE TO THY PRETTY FEET!

Are you looking for something? she asked, once upright, slipping the ID scrambler into her clutchbag. Can I direct you to another place very far away?

WHY, YES, PRETTY LADY PILGRIM! I HAD THOUGHT THIS TO BE THE THEATER OF MARCELLUS, FORTRESS OF THE SAVELLI, WITH ITS CURVATURED FRONT AND REINFORCED ARCADERY. HOW SADLY I AM MISTAKEN. MANIFESTLY IT IS A MUNICIPAL COMPOST HEAP VERY NEAR THE BASILICA OF ST. PETER’S!

The thronging pilgrims should be a clue, Sally said.

Ugolino looked around, confused.

YES! he shouted. I’M SURE I SHALL NOTE THEM MOMENTARILY. HAST THOU SEEN THE BOY WITH THE EBULLIENT HAIR?

He is definitely at the theater, Sally said. I saw him there myself. Causing mischief and spouting heresy. A verst down the river that-a-way, across the bridge, left at the castle fortress. You can’t miss it.

VERY GOOD, LADY PILGRIM. CANST THOU OFFER ME A KISS TO CHEER ME ON MY WAY?

I think you’re in a hurry.

Ugolino nodded and was about to stomp off when his wrist cried out.

That’s her! I hear her voice! It’s Sally! Kill her! Hurt her! Kill her!

Ugolino turned to Sally, his confusion rapidly turning to rage. He ululated and lifted his arm as if to strike her, then crumpled mightily to the ground.

Hoarfrost

Leonard had smacked Ugolino’s head with a paving stone, causing much murmuring among the carcass dealers. He now grabbed Sally and commenced to shouting:

Abulafia! Abulafia! You have to let us in! Quick! Quick! We have to talk!

Zedekiah appeared from the shadows behind the arcade and pulled them both after him, through a door into a dank, dark hallway.

Abulafia is going to have to take care of him now, Zedekiah said. You realize that? And maybe all of those carcass dealers!