J. Donleavy - Schultz

Schultz’s bitten fingernail underlining the small print listing attending guests. Pricilla’s name first following members of the peerage. And his last, following everyone else. And before that night was over, Schultz had also seen descend from the Ambassador’s doorway, along with Her Imperial Highness the King’s sister, Pricilla’s mother. All two tons of her. Maybe three tons. If she got loose for any length of time among the food.

“Jesus the pair of them are a team of shameless bloody social climbers.”

Shiny wet under the lamp light, the stream of chauffeured cars came down the street one after another, stopped, people climbed in under umbrellas and the limousines pulled away towards Belgrave Square. Pricilla’s mother getting a vehicle all to herself which lowered considerably on its suspension. That was that. A nice little night of social relaxation. Taught one more lesson I already knew even in Woonsocket. That women go ga go over kings.

And further down the Court and Social page under Forthcoming Marriages, Schultz’s eye alighted upon a familiar title.

Earl of Eel Brook Common and Miss Violet Clutterbutterbucks.

The marriage has been arranged and the wedding will shortly take place between Basil, the eldest son of the late Lord Nectarine, eighteenth Earl of Eel Brook Common and Lady Nectarine and Violet youngest daughter of Admiral and Mrs. S.O.S. Clutterbutterbucks D.S.O. of Castle Cranockity, Moss of Barmuckity, Scotland.

“Ah Schultz early to work are you and as usual, taking up the seat of authority in the chairman’s chair. And also as usual looking the worse for wear. Upon how many au pairs did you perform your rite of simulated procreation last night.”

“Jesus christ Binky, did you see this. His Lordship is getting fucking well married. Right here in the paper. I knew he’d see sense at long last and fucking settle down.”

“Ah Schultz, trust you to use your own inimitable adjectives to describe what is for his Lordship and myself too, a sacred step in life. If you will, please just do cast your eyes further below in the same listing.”

Mr. Jeremy Balthazar Binky Sunningdale and Lady Jane Pricklygorse.

The engagement has been announced and the wedding will shortly take place between Jeremy, eldest son of S.U.N. Sunningdale Bt. and Lady Sunningdale and Lady Jane youngest daughter of the Duke and Duchess of Putney.

“Jesus, what are you guys, a fucking team or something. What are you doing this both at the same time for. Getting tied up like that.”

“Schultz I hardly think the word tied is appropriate. And did you not express your approval at his Royal Grace settling down. My little lady is quite a nice lady and his Amazing Grace and I are in fact planning to have a joint ceremony. With religious, gestative and social difficulties permitting of course.”

“Jesus Binky, you guys. You do nothing but try to treat yourselves to thrills in life.”

“Thrills. Good gracious me. Whatever do you mean Schultz.”

“The whole thing is like it was preordained. I mean to me, christ imagine going to bed with a girl wearing a tiara right at the top of the peerage and fucking the tonsils and titled tits off her. How did you do it, land a Duke’s daughter.”

“Ah Schultz you do have the most graphic if not charming way of putting things. Well of course marrying a Duke’s daughter does mean stepping up the ladder a wee bit but dash it all Schultz, I do possess a very modest little bit of social standing myself you know. And I did of course further flatter my way into the Duke and Duchess’s confidence by getting their daughter absolutely pregnant beyond retreat.”

“Then how about an investment from your future mother and father in law for the show.”

“Schultz you are aren’t you completely without shyness or scruples.”

“Come on, with all that’s happening to me these days, I got to fast reach that sacred moment when the show is financed, cast, the theatre booked and all that’s left is just the ratting, treachery, backbiting and insubordination of rehearsals. Then opening night. And Jesus then may the gross never grieve. And that’s one thing I know. That there is nothing, but nothing, more beautiful in this world than the money made out of the box office of a theatre.”

“Schultz, you are utterly endearing. Just what one needs for the spirit on such inclement days.”

“I am also an embattled fucker on plenty of fronts. Do you know let me tell you something Binky. When I first landed in this country I stayed at the Savoy Hotel because I wanted to be somewhere where the roof didn’t leak. Three weeks later I could just pay the bill and I was on the street broke with nowhere to go. Nobody wanted to know me. I mean shit, you English seize up like stone walls. I actually began to starve. I was actually hungry standing at a fucking window of a restaurant reading the menu and dying for something to eat.”

“O dear Schultz, O dear.”

“And you know what happened. A fucking whore came along.”

“How nice for you Schultz.”

“Well, let me tell you something, that girl fucking well saved my life.”

“Schultz let us just now suppose that his Royal Grace and I took the remaining half of your little show. Would you make you unbelievably happy. Following all your previous woe.”

“What are you kidding. I’d be fucking ecstatic.”

“And would you Schultz continue to use the company’s stage manager, scene designers and assistants to rebuild your house.”

“Hey come on, I had to do some emergency repairs. The guys are sitting around doing nothing.”

“How would you like it Schultz if his Royal Grace or I were to ship off a mob of production staff to one of his Royal Grace’s castles or my more modest little acres and put them hard at work in our pantries.”

“It ain’t the same thing for christ’s sake. I got to keep up appearances. Which happens to be fucking well falling down around my ears recently. With crummy English landlords suing me. Who go stay in Bermuda on the rent I’m paying them. And by the way. What’s that big book in his Lordship’s drawer with Nectarine Castle written on it. Full of lists of names under headings like household, gardens, park, farm. With stonemasons, laborers, carpenters, huntsmen, footmen, cooks, parlour maids, grooms. Holy shit, your Lordship, I didn’t see you come in, I was just asking Binky here.”

“Schultz I shall be terribly angry if you have been again in my office and snooping in my desk.”

“Hey I was looking for an eraser. But what is all that Do you keep all these fucking people employed, eating and drinking and sleeping in beds.”

“Schultz I’ll thank you to mind your own bloody business.”

“All I’m doing is just wondering. I counted thirty seven people. Hey is that for just one guy in one castle.”

“I’d appreciate Schultz if you would discontinue your wondering.”

“But hey congratulations your Lordship. You’re finally settling down. They’re going to be two of you now. In one castle.”

“I wish you would drop that subject Schultz.”

“Why, I’m interested. What do you do when you go there, count them all. I mean how do you know the staff are not fucking off all the time, talking to one another, doing no work, eating your food, when you’re not around while you’re at one of your other castles where they’re probably doing the same thing.”

“What a pity it is Schultz you aren’t saddled with these problems since you have them so well appreciated.”

“Sure why not. I wouldn’t mind.”

“Well that’s precisely what they are doing at my castles, fuck all.”

“So you admit you got castles in the plural. With all these retinue.”

“I admit nothing of the kind Schultz. Especially as I must rush this moment. Binky, hand me that catalogue. Must pop to Spink’s. They have a rather interesting attractively underpriced coin they’re offering.”