J. Donleavy - Schultz

His Lordship gone. Binky as he sat back in the chairman’s chair, propping a leg up on his gout stool. Raindrops tapping the window. Schultz seated on the edge of the chaise longue, biting a thumbnail over which he twisted his head back and forth as he chewed.

“Schultz. Ah my dear Schultz. Despite your black eyes, despite your contusions, your scratches and your unforgiveable nosiness. One can’t help liking you. And in your own little way you are a sporting chap. So, as the raindrops fall outside and as this great city of London groans on in lust, I want you Schultz to put me down for, what is it, would it be a quarter, yes I think that’s the figure, a quarter, a full twenty five percentum of your little show plus the usual overcall.”

“Jesus christ almighty, you mean it Binky.”

“I have just said so.”

“Hey shit, this is my fucking lucky day. I’m three quarters financed.”

“And Schultz when his Royal Grace returns from his coin purchase I think you may find yourself one hundred per cent financed.”

“Binky I could kiss you, no shit.”

“Well Schultz, that would indeed be nice as soon as your doctor gives you your venereal clearance. But shouldn’t we also wait for the reviews. And then if those are not too dastardly, you may indeed kiss me. But no groping please.”

Schultz leaping up from the chaise longue, pivoting in a circle smacking his fist into the palm of his hand.

“Jesus, like magic, it’s all coming together. My show. This Debutant girl, a sure star. I got Magillacurdy, a genius. Top fucking Choreographer, Composers, Director. I got your weddings. We could have the whole fucking thing happening together. We’re going to really kill them. We could have you married on stage between the first and second acts. Nothing can go wrong. It would be an aristocratic sensation. Hey how the fuck did you meet these girls. None of them ever once come in the office.”

“Schultz no need to stop in your tracks to wonder why. The reason is not far to seek.”

“What because of me. I’m god’s gift to women for fucks sake. But Jesus you know what I’d really like in this life, is one of his Lordship’s fucking sisters. I could screw one of those marvellous creatures all the way to Mars. You know, Binky, seeing what it does for you guys, I need good breeding and manners in my life. To make my day to day existence sublime just like yours.”

“And you know Schultz what we have always admired about you. Your marvellous set of teeth. And your easy ready smile.”

“Here let me show you. Now how’s that. For an ad for toothpaste.”

“And Schultz I do believe I was asked to duly advise you of an invitation from his Royal Grace for a weekend’s hunting, shooting and fishing at one of his Lordship’s most favourite, and as you Americans are sometimes fond of putting it, little country cottages.”

“No shit.”

“No shit Schultz.”

“But christ I can’t hunt shoot or fish.”

“Ah you Americans, so dismally unprepared for life aren’t you.”

“We didn’t have a thousand years like you who while squeezing the last best drop out of subjects all over the world, had nothing else to do but hunt shoot and fish. But hey Jesus, this is no fucking trick is it, I can use an invitation like this. I really could.”

“That’s why his Royal Grace has extended one. We know how hard you have fought. Indeed looking at my watch, might you be ready Schultz to depart towards the countrywards by three o’clock.”

“Hey I’m not even packed. But you bet your ass I’ll be ready. I just got to go see if I can book a theatre.”

“Take my car Schultz. Just purring downstairs. I’ll ring down to Tobias. But don’t, please don’t put on board kidnapped passengers. Tobias will gladly ferry you to your appointment and back to your town house for your weekend sartorial knickknacks. And I shall await with his Royal Grace your return. Telling him meanwhile about this absolutely topping idea of yours of our being wed between acts of Kiss It Don’t Hold It It’s Too Hot. What could be more delightful for our prospective inlaws and their stuffy relatives. I’m sure that although at first they may be a little sceptical they will finally come to appreciate all the advantages of the marvellous publicity. Why we may even marry nude, what do you think.”

“Sure, why the fuck not. Hot diggity dog. I’m off Binky. This is the beginning of the greatest few days of my entire life.”

Schultz heading out the hall of Sperm Productions, passing Rebecca at her office door. Where she turned her back and her face away red eyed with tears. Schultz hitting his forehead with his palm as he descended in the lift. Holy shit that poor girl, she’s shattered that the guys are getting married. What the fuck is it with women anyway no matter what else, they all want to march up that aisle.

A gentle faced grey haired grey uniformed chauffeur saluting as he opened the pearl grey limousine door. Schultz bouncing on the soft upholstery, as the great motor purred left and right and right again. Up St. James’s. Turning along Piccadilly. Schultz picking up the phone. Asking Tobias to get him a number. Just as they were passing the Fortnum & Mason clock, with its bells jangling and Fortnum and Mason appearing out the clock door.

“Al.”

“Yeah.”

“This is Sigmund.”

“Yeah.”

“I’m sorry about the fight. And ruining your clothes. But what the fuck do you want to go and sue me for Al.”

“Don’t talk to me. My lawyers are who you should talk to.”

“Al look, for christ sakes we were real friends before this bitch came along. But I mean if you want a legal fight I’ll fight you right up into and all over the House of Lords.”

“Hey tough guy you do that.”

“No shit Al come on. What a waste.”

“Pay the girl the damages.”

“Shit that bitch has already cost me a fucking fortune. I wouldn’t pay her the price of a free crap in a public toilet.”

“That’s the kind of sentiment I expect from you, you philanderer.”

“Philanderer, holy shit Al. You keep calling me that. What am I supposed to do fuck holes in walls. And do you know where that girl is right now. Do you.”

“No. You tell me. Where is she. And where are you.”

“She is right this fucking moment being fucked silly right up between her eyeballs by that big black bastard King Buggybooiamcheesetoo. And I am just passing Fortnum’s.”

“What are you talking about.”

“The King, Al.”

“What King.”

“Of Boohooland.”

“What are you trying to be real funny. Passing Fortnum’s. Boohooland. I am cheese too. Or do you need to see a psychiatrist soon.”

“Look Al in your newspaper. He’s all over it. The guy who’s been murdering everybody and chopping off ears and hands.”

“He should chop your prick off.”

“Jesus I knew the second those words were out of my mouth that that was exactly what you were going to say. No shit. You couldn’t resist it could you. You’re turning into some kind of geriatric mollycoddler of women for Christ’s sake. And you know what Al.”

“Yeah I got all day to listen to you, you tell me what.”

“She’s gone. She took off with him. With her mother. That jigaboo King is probably fucking the mother too.”

“You are the lowest form of racist creep.”

“Jesus now I’m a racist.”

“And a two bit phony bullshitter.”

“Yeah Al, I know, but you just listen.”

“Like hell I’ll listen. You listen.”

“No Al you listen a second god damn it. You want to hear what really happened. She told me she was giving me the gift of her body. And you know Al what she gave me. She gave me the clap. That’s what she gave me. I didn’t have it. I have doctor’s proof. I got it from her.”