J. Donleavy - Schultz

“Any time Your Excellency wants to give me a tinkle, you just do that little thing.”

“I shall Mr. Schultz, I assure you, I shall.”

A hush over the gathering. The last glasses clanking on marble tops and clinking against each other. Whispers dying away. All the seated standing. The Ambassador stationed at the white gold leaf embellished open double doors. A drum roll. Bugles sounding a fanfare. And the commissionaire’s voice throbbing out over the gathered expectant guests.

“His Royal Imperial Highness Field Marshal King Buggybooiamcheesetoo and Her Royal Imperial Highness.”

The King Buggyspendthriftboob, as some chargé d’affaires whispered behind Schultz that he ought to be called, came in massively rotund and slightly rolling on his feet with a large mouthful of shiny gold teeth that looked like they might, if you got too close, take a big bite out of you.

“Hey do you mind telling me who the hell’s this making an entrance.”

“He is the Emperor His Royal Imperial Highness King of the Sovereign State of Boohooland.”

“Jesus, never heard of the place.”

“It is sir a few million acres of mountain range, lakes, a deep navigable river to the sea and some hundreds of thousands in population.”

“Thanks for the information. It’s amazing isn’t it how these vine swinging upstarts think they own the world suddenly when they got a few snake infested steamy acres of impenetrable jungle to crow over.”

“I think sir that you might find if you cared to investigate that there is more than just some steamy jungle to crow over.”

“Well look at the guy, he can hardly stand up with all his medals. His wife looks like she just escaped out of some Harlem jewelry store in the middle of a riot. By the way who are you.”

“I am the Foreign Minister of the State whose Sovereign you have just attempted to describe sir.”

“O hey I’m sorry. I hope I didn’t hurt your feelings.”

“Sir while I was at one of the better known schools in England situated on one of its best known rivers, I learned that one must be charitable to those who speak out of ignorance.”

“Well Minister, if you’ll excuse the undiplomatic language, I put my fucking foot into it didn’t I.”

“Well perhaps. But a foot at least is not your entire leg sir. And by the way Her Imperial Highness is His Imperial Highness’s sister.”

“Well at least let me wish you entire luck with your whole nation Minister.”

“Thank you sir.”

Schultz crushing between his teeth several creamed mushroom and smoked salmon canapes washed down with three glasses of champagne. And watching the African political celebrities, he avoided all further loose talk. Till another fanfare and drum roll. A major domo announcing dinner. The assembled guests following King Buggyboo proceeding down the curved grand staircase. Through crystal chandelier lit reception rooms opening out on a covered terrace and down steps to a vast marquee stretched over a large garden. With even a fish pond and fountain. White tables on which candles flickered. A dance floor built over the grass. Gloved waiters behind long linen counters of heaped up victuals. And on a raised banquet dais a floodlit table gleaming with gold plate.

“Boy these rich wog bastards don’t fool around when it comes to fucking lavish feasting. They make the British look like the stingy fuckers they really are.”

Schultz looking the way his face looked, took up a lonely vigil at a table set amid the thicker shrubberies. Examining the silver George III candelabra decorated with Egyptian female figures, oak leaves and fan motifs. Sipping a glass of champagne. And taking up to his lips a piece of toast heaped inch deep in Beluga, that he was just about to bite.

“Holy shit.”

At the high table set for the King. His Imperial Highness carefully peeling and holding up a grape between his fingers. To place the skinless green ripeness between Pricilla’s opening lips. Who sat smilingly seated at the King’s right elbow which at the moment is nudged deeply into her tit.

“Jesus I get invited and she takes the glory.”

The clank and clang of delph and cutlery. The string orchestra at the far end of the tent playing a medley of English boating tunes. Waiters hurrying platters of chicken legs, pigeon legs, pheasant legs, turkey legs and all matter of other parts of roasted and non roasted beeves and birds not to mention lobster, smoked trout, prawns and the endless pouring out of this booming Echezeaux and Chablis grand cru.

A dark shadow hovering near Schultz. A smiling beribboned dark complexioned gentleman bowing and touching the back of a chair.

“Ah sir, may I.”

“Sure.

“I should first like sir to present the compliments of His Royal Imperial Highness King Buggybooiamcheesetoo.”

“Sure. Who are you.”

“I have just had the honor as recently as last week to present my letters of credence as Ambassador Extraordinary and Plenipotentiary from Boohooland to the Court of St. James’s.”

“Sit down. Great little country you have, Your Excellency.”

“Thank you sir. His Majesty hopes you will not be offended for his having rather commandeered your most attractive lady friend this evening. He sends his apologies but she is so striking and it is the custom of our country, that the King always pays his respects to the most beautiful woman present. And he hopes you will not mind.”

“Tell the King to help himself and make himself at home.”

“Then you do not mind.”

“Your Excellency. Just let me take off my sunglasses for a second. And take a look at my face. What do you see.”

“Dear me sir.”

“That’s right. Guess who gave me all this.”

“I quite understand sir.”

“Hey out of interest. Back in your country. If the King likes a girl he sees.”

“It is the custom that he takes her sir. Which of course, being a gentleman as well as a King, he would not dream of doing.”

“And if some guy objects you cut off his hands or something.”

“No we cut off his ears. Cutting off so many pairs of hands would affect our economy. But I do thank you sir for being so understanding. And I will convey this to His Majesty.”

“You do that.”

“He will be most pleased. Although His Majesty is a warrior and soldier he prefers not to transgress upon the sensitivities of others.”

“But Your Excellency before you go, there’s another little thing you ought to know.”

“And what is that sir.”

“Well it’s a rather confidential and intimate matter. And I hope I can rely on you to keep it that way.”

“But of course you can sir, you have my word as a gentleman as well as an Ambassador.”

“The girl has a social disease.”

“Ah. I see. That is most extremely good of you to be so forthcoming sir. But I do not think that will matter in the least. His Majesty’s doctors take such things in their stride so to speak.”

“Well they’re going to have real fun getting in stride with this one let me tell you.”

The Ambassador regaining his seat. Schultz tucking into a nice dark bit of turkey and taking a sip of Echezeaux. The Ambassador’s silk cuffs each linked with a massive diamond set in an ingot of gold as he folds his black white palmed hands carefully together on the linen. His chin lifting as his eyebrows closed together over his broad shiny dark nose.

“Do please sir, enlighten me further.”

“Well this humdinger is called the Oriental Venereal Plague.”

“Excuse me please sir I am not familiar with that word. What is this humdinger.”

“It means something remarkable. Out of the ordinary. Every doctor in London is trying to cure me at this second.”