J. Donleavy - Schultz

Schultz dressing. Snapping up across his shoulders his emerald green braces over his silk shirt. Putting on his cummerbund and polishing his dancing pumps with the sleeve of his tuxedo. Tying a knot in his bowtie with what Binky said was the necessary amount of foppishness. And Schultz heading down into the hall. Picking up the phone from the floor just as it was ringing.

“Hello.”

“I’m sorry to disturb you like this, but are you the occupant of what I think must be number four Arabesque Street.”

“Yes.”

“Well, I don’t want to alarm you sir but I’m sure you’ll understand that in attempting to keep up standards in the area I really thought I should inform you direct instead of calling the Police. My wife has just got a rather nasty shock. I do think you should look out into your garden.”

“What’s wrong.”

“Well sir I don’t quite know how to put this but there appears to be a person there. Who does not appear well.”

“Holy shit.”

“I beg your pardon.”

“Sorry it’s just a religious expression. Thanks for calling.”

Schultz hanging up and heading into the library to look out the window. The tiny fish pond with no fish and a statue of a cherub holding a wand out of which the estate agents said water would come upon depressing a switch inside the kitchen door. And nothing happened even when you hit it with a hammer.

“Jesus I can’t see a god damn thing out there. O Jesus. There is something. Come on. When the fuck is my life ever going to get tranquil again.”

Beyond the edge of paving stones a garden bench. A lady’s silver slippered foot sticking out. Schultz rushing past the pantry and down stairs. Twisting a knee and stumbling as he went. And a grab at the bannister dislodging one end of it from the wall.

“Holy shit something else to get sued for.”

Schultz limping out into the darkened confines of the garden. Ivy covered lattice around the walls and dried up rose plants in beds. On a little patch of lawn, in a long gown. Pricilla stretched out spreadeagled on her back in the grass.

“Jesus Fortnum’s may as well charge her up to me along with the dress.”

Schultz hobbling back into the kitchen and filling a bucket of water. Returning to stand over Pricilla with the brimming white porcelain pail. Swinging it back in order to deliver the entire cold contents splashing on the prostrate body. Pricilla sitting bolt upright and shouting.

“Don’t you dare.”

Schultz did

And she screamed.

Blue bloody murder

As she

Got doused

With the invitation pushed through his letter box, Schultz proffering it to the Ambassador’s major domo. Who stood in his gold braided regalia on the marble black and white landing at the top of the curved staircase. He bent whispering for the lady’s name. And the exalted commissionaire’s voice booming out identities of these two new arrivals. From just across the street.

“Mr. Sigmund Franz Schultz and Miss Pricilla Prune.”

Schultz had one or two additional contusions. Received from Pricilla’s pummelling fists and groin kicks uppercutting from her silver slippered foot. Following the bucket of cold water straight splash into her face and all over her bosoms and the rest of her. As she sat propped up by her arms. Schultz grinning for the first time in days. Her pale pink garment turned a darker shade. But on her feet screaming, Pricilla punched, scratched, gouged and attempted to bite Schultz all around the fish pond. Till police came rushing out the kitchen door into the garden.

“Come on honey, move forward, you’re holding up the reception line.”

Pricilla was now in a cloud of musky perfume and her black clinging see through gown. Her drenched Fortnum’s haute couture creation left hanging from the kitchen ceiling to dry. And her brand new patent leather opera bag held up under her left noticeable nipple crested marvellous tit. Smiling with her lower lip stretched over to hide her lower missing bicuspid.

“Come on honey, what are you trying to do, hog the limelight.”

“Shut up you.”

Schultz pushing Pricilla forward into the large drawing room and pressing his bandages down on his cheeks and also rubbing his knee to realign the ligaments stretched out of place in the rush down his kitchen stairs. As he now straightened up with his slightly lessened limp to confront the beaming dark complexioned face of the Ambassador.

“Ah Mr. Schultz. Please. Enter. It is so good of you to come.”

“Thanks Your Excellency. It’s swell to be here.”

“And of course I have not had the pleasure.”

“O yeah, sorry. His Excellency. Pricilla Prune.”

“I am enraptured my dear.”

“You are very very charming Your Excellency.”

The ebony rotund head of the Ambassador lifting away from Pricilla’s outstretched hand. His white teeth blazing in a smile. Beyond him stood London’s black and white diplomatic corps in their dark regalia. And military gentlemen conspicuous in their gold braid, shiny insignia and medals flashing and jingling. Flowers on the marble topped tables. Seated on Louis the Fourteenth sofas, ladies with long cigarette holders. And a distinct additional babble in the din of voices in the area of the room to which Pricilla navigated. To stunningly take up a position near a painting, Camels in Caravan on the Nile.

“Madam.”

A pale faced waiter just managing to proffer a glass of champagne through the throng of gentlemen surrounding her. Schultz squeezed away facing the backs of ministers plenipotentiary, assorted chargé d’affaires, attachés, and first and second secretaries four deep. A smiling gurgling Pricilla bathed in the stream of flatteries wafting her way from every direction. Jesus you’d think these guys had never seen a real beauty before. But holy shit. Be a great way to get rid of this bitch. Just beat it and leave her to hand out a dose of clap to the whole diplomatic corps in London. And leave it to the Arabs to blame it on the Israelis or the Israelis to blame it on the Arabs.

“Ah Mr. Schultz, my dear neighbor. The gladiator of Arabesque Street.”

“Your Excellency I got a few little cuts all right. Tripping down the stairs.”

“Ah my dear sir never mind, so many things one must be careful of in this city of London which offers so many wonderful pleasures. But it is so good to see you. After all the ambulances, all the Police.”

“Yeah they’ve been a few ambulances and Police all right.”

“And all the pretty women. Who come to your house all the time.”

“Now and again they do.”

“But there you are, already alone, and your beautiful friend surrounded. But was there something again this evening that happened.”

“Nothing. Just someone trying to rob me fell in the fish pond. My neighbors living behind me called the Police. But this is a nice party you’ve got going.”

“Yes we do rather pride ourselves on our good parties. But of course the addition of you and your latest lady friend does help you know. She is by far the most attractive of all the attractive ladies. Let me congratulate you. Did you notice, how the entire male assemblage have immediately congregated about her. Such a thing could put a strain on the rafters and send London’s diplomatic corps tumbling to the floor below. N’est-ce pas.”

“Yeah I notice that, Your Excellency.”

“You are not jealous.”

“Your Excellency, ugly guys like me just have to be patient and wait their turn.”

“Ah but you are much too modest Mr. Schultz. You clearly have an incredible way with the ladies. You don’t kid me.”

“Likewise Your Excellency you don’t do too bad yourself.”

“Ha ha, Mr. Schultz, it is how do you say, in the nature of the diplomatic profession to keep everyone happy. But perhaps we, the two of us, might keep in touch about such things as beauty and the wonders of London. And perhaps you and your lady friend would come some evening to dine with us. In a more intime situation perhaps.”