Helen Phillips - Some Possible Solutions

Or perhaps the Queen would come to see herself as a jail warden, an impossibly heavy ring of keys slung around her waist, guarding the smallest, most absurd cell in the universe: a tiny barred box just big enough for an old man’s penis.

The Queen and King sat on their twin thrones while the parade of subjects poured its momentary riches, its fruits, its girls, onto the chessboard before them. Once in a blue moon, you might be lucky enough to overhear him whispering to her or her whispering to him.

“One of us will be sad,” he or she would say, “it’s just a matter of which one.”

And you might catch the other replying: “One of us will be happy; it’s just a matter of which one.”

1.

I had this joke with someone I used to love. We’d say to each other: Saying I love you, that’s our thing, our special thing, just for the two of us. Whatever becomes of us, you can’t ever say that to anyone else. Or: Having sex, that’s our thing, our special thing, you better never do that with anyone else, not even if we split up. You can do other things with them, of course, you can do anything you want with anyone you want at any time under the sun, but never that, because that’s our thing.

Later, I tried to reinvigorate this joke with someone I loved far more: Going to the bar, drinking gin & tonics, getting drunk and having lots to talk about, that’s our thing. Marriage, that’s our thing, wherever you go and whatever you do and whoever you meet, remember that. But, dismayingly, the joke was no longer hilarious; now when I said it I sounded like I meant it.

2.

Removed, the wedding ring and the engagement ring lie obediently together upon the ledge. That’s the thing about objects, they’re so obedient, and it’s a goddamn relief if you ask me. You put them there upon the ledge and there they shall stay until someone or something comes along.

3.

We shouldn’t keep drinking $3 gin & tonics, but it takes more imagination than we’ve got to stop doing so, plus the sunsetting light is the color of booze and outside in the yard behind the bar the wall of ivy quivers like something from a lovelier place.

4.

Recently I’ve developed an addiction to the word FEROCIOUS —I’ve had other addictions at other times, such as LULLABY, JUBILANT, HOWEVER —and have started using it too much, mainly in my head but also out loud, using it to say things like “I had to be ferocious to figure out how to put that Ikea bookshelf together; I had to be especially ferocious with the top part.”

5.

Our friends compliment the plants we have in our apartment. They say, “Wow, you have a lot of nice little plants.”

And I say, “Thank you, yes, we went to the plant nursery and that’s where we got those plants. The plant nursery on Euclid Avenue, if you were wondering.”

But their eyes have already glazed over.

And you — you yawned the whole time we were selecting our plants!

6.

The only emperor is the emperor of ice cream.

Naked, bestial, I squatted.

I have this idea that lines recalled from poems we read in English class might help. Although that second line was purely your idea — inspired by the way I was crouching on our darkly gleaming wooden floor at three in the morning. Your delivery of such an apt line, your flawless read of the situation — that’s the sort of thing that gives me hope. It also gives me hope when we put on the music and dance around our apartment.

I won’t deny it: I’m a sucker for hope these days.

7.

I could get pregnant, you know, from all this makeup sex we’re always having.

What?

I could get pregnant from all this messing around.

What?

Maybe you should come up here from down there.

What?

Maybe we could talk. Maybe you could hear me better.

You won’t get pregnant.

8.

I have this idea that I’m not going to write any untrue things anymore. I’m only going to write things that are true, true, true.

The Guy Who Yawned at the Plant Nursery says: “You’ve never written a word of fiction in your life.”

9.

Say I am pregnant. How do you think it feels about all this poison?

$3 gin & tonic, lime on lips, meditating on the word tonic .

Surely to my great-grandmother that meant something different, something with herbs that would fix all sorts of problems.

10.

The Guy Who Calls Me Baby doesn’t come out very often, but when he does, I feel shy around him, like a new bride.

He seems like the kind of guy with whom the metaphor of a boxing ring would resonate. So to please him I say: “We’re like boxers in a boxing ring.”

And he says (maybe to please me, who knows): “Yeah, baby, that’s just it.”

11.

In second grade we made leprechaun traps for St. Patrick’s Day. We placed those little golden balls they use to decorate cakes inside our traps and left the traps on our desks. The next morning all the golden balls were gone but no one had caught a leprechaun. I can’t remember what the purpose of this lesson was, Ms. Kroll, but I remember the witchy sound of your long fingernail scratching your scalp. It was exciting to make the traps and disappointing to find them empty, but overall it was a time of belief.

“Look!” I choose to say now, to The Guy Who Just Bought Another Round, “there’s a leprechaun scaling the wall of ivy!

“Oh bummer,” I say, “sorry, you missed it.”

12.

He says, “I desire you.” He means, “Every night I dream of other women.”

She says, “I desire you.” She means, “I want to get accidentally pregnant.”

13.

Maybe thirteen should be left blank, like those buildings with no thirteenth floor. That’s another thing, I get more superstitious by the year. In a few decades I’ll be wearing garlic around my neck.

14.

My husband is having trouble sleeping. I think he’s thinking about sex.

He tells me that when he does finally manage to sleep, he dreams that everyone in his family hates him except for his one weird cousin.

15.

I crouch on the bed, massaging The Guy Who Thinks I Don’t Know How to Use the Word Renovate Properly. Doing this reminds me of working with clay, slowly squeezing until something grows from nothing. Not that I’ve ever worked with clay. Not that I’ve ever made a bowl that could hold anything.

16.

You may say: “We really ought to renovate the bathroom.” You may not say: “We need to renovate our thinking about this problem.”

17.

In a hotel room in Cincinnati, someone’s ninety-year-old grandmother is falling in the bathtub and snapping three small ribs.

In Pakistan the waters that have already risen are rising more. I’m sorry, but it’s pretty much just the babies I think of. I’m only interested in statistics about how many infants have drowned. As soon as I know that, then I’ll be able to properly mourn.

18.

So many bombs shattering across the globe, yet it was private grief that kept them up at night.

19.

He said: “Please don’t put things in third person past tense. Just because it’s third person past tense doesn’t mean it’s a story. It’s not as though third person past tense will protect you.”

She said: “He said, Please don’t put things in third person past tense , and then she said, He said please don’t put things in third person past tense .”