James Kelman - Dirt Road

Jeesoh Aunt Maureen! Her relations were everywhere! That was the amazing-mazing thing. Anywhere ye wanted. Just like if ye wanted to disappear, if ye did. Sometimes he did. Life made ye think it. Money wouldnt matter, twenty dollars or no dollars, ye just went, if that was you, ye just went, if ye were disappearing. Or like — whatever.

The lawns here were right down to the pavement and didnt have any hedges. No people hardly at all. They were maybe all at church.

Murdo walked on. Walking was good. Walking was the best. Walking was just the very very best. How it quieted ye down, quieting yer brains. Brains. Murdo’s brains, quietened. Walking alone, no sound, nothing.

Sunday was church day. So is Monday Tuesday Wednesday Thursday and Friday if it is my class sonny boy! Milliken the maths teacher. Ye went for maths and he gave ye the bible. Compress yer head sonny boy. All days are church days. Interference does not exist, interference is data. All moments are moments of God. All time is God’s time. A right-angled triangle made of three right angles, think about that. Infinity. All circles are lines and all lines are a point. The way, the truth and the life. All points are the one point. Infinity. And God is greater than that. Plus 1. And God is greater than that. Nothing gets beyond Him. Go to the web and dive within, reach into the depths. You are the minute-most spec.

People thought he was nuts. Murdo heard another teacher call him “staunch”, Oh Mister Milliken is “staunch”, his beliefs are “staunch”. So ye had to respect him. Forgive us our sins and trespasses. Keep us from temptation and grant that we may rise each morning freed from danger whole in health. That was “wanking”, everybody knew that.

A man with a dog. The dog on an extension lead. Murdo walked to the inside in case he got tripped up; ye had to step over the lead. The man ignored him. An Alabaman, if that’s what they are called, Alabamans; Alabamans and Alabawomans. Some guy on television was making the joke, Ala Bama and the Forty Thieves. Uncle John hated it: Childish stupidity.

The guy with the dog was the first walker Murdo had passed. And he looked across at Murdo. Because Murdo was the first walker he had seen. You see them but they see you. Think of that sonny boy.

Different for dogs. Dogs are the same anywhere in the world. They just see a person; there’s a person; Scottish, Aborigine, Iceland, woof woof.

Just quiet; trees and quiet. A good place for walking. The hedges were round the back gardens but not the front; just these lawns, the grass shorn.

Ahead was a big church with a real tower. It looked old but how old could it have been? Red bricks and a square-shaped tower; fancy windows, and pillars, solid-looking. People were in the parking areas. What if Aunt Maureen and Uncle John were there and spotted him? Never.

But maybe. Maybe counts. Count a maybe.

Murdo was round the first corner. People ye see. Nobody is nothing. He continued along this street. It led to a main road, and round onto the pavement there was a bus-stop, an actual bus-stop! It had a bench for people to sit.

Aunt Maureen and Uncle John knew nothing about buses but here was a stop next to the actual church. Maybe they went to a different church.

Now Murdo recognised the road. It was the one to the mall. At the bus-stop an information board listed times, destinations and links to other bus routes.

How far had he walked? Twenty minutes or half an hour. How far was that? Not round the block anyway. Then the same back to the house. Dad would worry.

$90: forty from Dad and fifty from Uncle John. Ye could get an accordeon for ninety dollars. Or twenty, it depended on the accordeon. How much for bus tickets? That was the one thing the information board didnt list. A bus here would take ye into the main bus station, then it was from there to Lafayette, Louisiana. Then if ye came back it was the same money. So bus-fares and accordeon. Unless he got a drive from Uncle John or somebody. Dad, if Dad had his licence. Maybe he could phone Uncle Robert. Uncle Robert could go to the house and find the licence; send it express delivery. It would have been here in two days or three — Scotland to America, four maybe.

So Dad could have hired a car. That would have made it a brilliant holiday. Everything would have changed.

What a life. Murdo was glad to be walking. Shopping malls opened on a Sunday. No matter about church and everything else, people lived their life. It was their life to lead although people acted like it wasnt. Oh I thought it was my life? Oh no, it belongs to him over there, yer father. He has two, you’ve got none.

Other shops ahead. Not the shopping mall; ordinary shops in their own ground with their own wee carparks. And cars were there so these shops were open as well. Of course they were.

He stopped walking and about-turned.

How long had he been gone? More than an hour. Round the block? Some block. Dad would be glad when he walked in the door. Glad, sad or mad. Everybody has their own life. If he wanted to be angry, it was up to Dad.

Murdo felt like running. Oh but never run son never run, they might get the wrong idea. That was Uncle John. Then they’ll definitely shoot ye. It was okay if ye were an athlete or like jogging but not an ordinary person.

Not one child either. That was what Murdo noticed. Not even in a garden. Where were the kids?

The mall!

Or church — the praying voices. And the kids twisting up to see the adults, wondering how come their eyes are all closed? Droning on and on and on, how come? What’s wrong with the adults? What are they doing? Oh forgive us Father, hoahh hoahh hoahh, Gohhhd oahhhhh, forgive us oh Father please please oahhh hoahhhh oahhhhh Gohdddd. What is happening what is happening? Is it the big bad wolf! Oahhhhh oahhhhh. Look out and be careful. Close your eyes close your eyes! Oahhhhh oahhhhh. Quick! Quick quick quick! Oh Father Father God Almighty thank you thank you for keeping us safe through the day that is gone and now we pray Thee to watch over us through the coming night oh God the coming night when it is all dark and shadows fall and mysterious knocks and noises if the big bad wolf comes chapping the door.

Chap yer own door!

*

He kept to the main road on the way home, remembering the turn-off to Aunt Maureen’s house. He entered by the driveway, round the side garden. Dad was there on the patio, wearing a shirt and trousers instead of jeans and T-shirt. He moved fast when he saw Murdo, coming towards him. Murdo stopped. Dad clapped him twice on the shoulder. Good son, he said, we’re going for a meal. Did ye bring a shirt?

A shirt? Yeah I brought a shirt.

I mean a proper one?

Of course a proper one.

Fine. Away and change. Dad sighed. I’m just saying.

Okay.

Uncle John and Aunt Maureen are getting ready.

Okay Dad.

Downstairs Murdo plugged in the hi-fi immediately; but didnt switch it on. He stood a moment, then sat down on the edge of the bed. He stretched out, staring at the ceiling. Of course he had brought a shirt and of course he would wear it. Going for a meal with Uncle John and Aunt Maureen: of course he would wear it. Go and put it on, is it a proper one. That was a row. Did people need rows?

Dad just had to speak. He didnt have to but he did. That was Dad. How come he even wanted to eat? He couldnt have been hungry. He didnt go anywhere except the patio! People work then they eat. Things happen and they dont eat.

Dad said a meal but did that mean best? like as if Aunt Maureen and Uncle John would notice, even if he wore a T-shirt. T-shirts were a joke. How long did Dad wear one before sticking it into the laundry bin! a bloody week? Murdo should have said it to him, Dad change the T-shirt you are bloody minging.