James Kelman - Dirt Road

The son wants to get there but the father is there already. The father is always there and the son never is. That was Dad, Dad Dad Dad. He sat beside Murdo at the funeral and listened to the minister. Everything the minister said Dad heard like it was a real conversation and not just a sermon. Murdo didnt listen at all. It was Dad the minister was saying it for anyway, and when people listened they listened for the poor man, the poor poor man, what is going to happen to him? Is he going to be okay? Or else go mad! Maybe he will. People do go mad. Mum was there in the coffin. Imagine that. People fling themselves on the coffin. Imagine Dad. Dad could have done it, he could have jumped on the coffin. And Murdo saving him, it would have been Murdo: Dad Dad dont jump, dont jump, come back, come back. All the people looking, Oh look at Tom Macarthur, he’s mad; that is grief, he is mad with grief. So who is going to save him?

Bloody Murdo that’s who. Dad took pills. Unless he had stopped. Maybe he had. People take pills to calm down. Then they forget them and go crazy. Dad didnt. He just had silences. His silences went on and on. He went to his room. What did he do in his room? He read books. Anything else? Stared out the window. Dad could sit at the window and see out. He was at the front of the house so he saw the street. If Murdo wanted to see out he stood up on a chair and reached higher. All he saw was the sky. Although he liked the sky. The sky was good in Alabama.

A chap at the door.

Murdo got up and opened to Aunt Maureen. Brought you something! She passed him a muffin on a plate and a mug of tea. Low pressure all over, she said, right from the coast. All along they got it torrential.

Oh well.

Aunt Maureen nodded, and smiled. Murdo held the muffin and the mug of tea. Thanks Aunt Maureen!

He placed them on the bedside table and made to close the door. But Aunt Maureen wagged her finger at him. Now son you ask good questions and I got one for you: you reckon they could cure cancer?

Cure cancer?

They go spending millions on weapons and guns going into other people’s countries. So why not look after their own huh? Shouldnt that come first? Whoever will do that? You think there is someone but there aint; no sir, black, brown or white. That aint their prerogative. Forget medicine. That aint what they do with our tax money. That’s for something else huh. Well, I get cross about that son, I do. We were talking about it in church. Things just aint right. That’s what people are saying. That was the talk, like a discussion? that is what you would call it. You enjoy a talk son that was a talk.

Aunt Maureen reached to grasp him by the wrist. Her hand was light and he could have brushed it away. She had a thin hand, thin fingers and the flesh felt silky. She said: That is one beautiful name, Eilidh. That the old language of Scotland Murdo?

Yeah, it’s Gaelic.

Well it is beautiful, it is beautiful. Aunt Maureen nodded then she smiled and shook her head slowly. You maybe think about next Sunday son huh?

…

If you want to come with us to church you would be so very welcome.

Oh.

Your Dad is coming.

Dad! Is he?

Aunt Maureen smiled. It’s a welcoming church Murdo. She touched him on the wrist: Now do I get a hug from you or what!

Murdo stepped to her and they hugged. She returned upstairs.

Murdo closed the door. No matter what she was the very very best. Life was just like whatever, who cares, except Aunt Maureen. Whatever else happened.

*

The rain teeming down. Murdo was up in the chair peering out the window. It was the sky. The rain was there but sometimes it seemed to merge. Aunt Maureen said it got in everywhere. Talking about the rain. The roof wasnt good any more but she didnt want Uncle John clambering up to mend it. He was good at jobs about the house but she worried about him falling off and breaking his neck. All the time she worried about him. Oh I’m not going to bed until he comes home. Same as Mum. It was Dad she waited for.

She did! Oh Murdo here’s yer meal. Where’s yours Mum? Oh I’m waiting for your father.

Ha ha.

That was something. It was great seeing. He loved seeing it. Dad walking in the door and Mum seeing him walk in the door. And she always did. That was her in the hospice. She always saw him walk in the door. How come?

She was watching for him. While Murdo was there. Murdo was talking to her and she was watching for Dad. Is that not something? What is that?

What it was. Murdo didnt know what it was.

Although he did. Mum loved Dad. Ha ha. She loved Murdo too.

Listening to stuff. No music and the sounds. Inside yer head like gas pipes, zzzzzz.

Thoughts go back thoughts go back, way way back. It was true but. That was a family.

The worst for Dad was Murdo dead and him alive. That was the worst of all. For Dad it was. The very worst imaginable. He wouldnt want to be alive.

But as soon as they got home he was leaving school. Dad had to understand that. If he didnt then he didnt understand anything. Murdo was not staying for one last year. He was not staying for one last day. He was not doing good and was never ever going to. Never ever. How come Mum thought he could? That was Mum. Mum was Mum, she was a mother. She thought he was brainy. He wasnt. People were good at their lessons. He wasnt! He was just bloody hopeless, he needed other stuff or the same stuff done different. That was it with teachers: Oh I think I know what it is but it’s different to what ye think.

Oh God, like gas pipes inside yer head, that last time when he was leaving, he didnt look, at Mum, he didnt look at her. He was not able to. He walked out the room.

He needed away, to get away. Leave and love. I leave but I love.

Oh hullo son, how are ye? Fine. How’s yer Mum? Fine. Fine fine fine; everything

*

He had $90. Uncle John and Dad gave him it to spend. He didnt. He kept the lot. He got through the whole day at the Gathering without spending a penny. It couldnt have happened without Clara Hopkins. She gave him like two meals for the price of one, and he didnt even pay for that. Dad was supposed to give him pocket money but didnt. This was not because he was mean. Maybe he was mean but that wasnt why he forgot the pocket money. He just forgot. Murdo should have told him but didnt.

That $40 was food money. If ye took away the food money how much had Dad given him? Nothing. Uncle John’s $50 was the pocket money. If there was emergencies, that is what it was for, like Lafayette and buses, how to get there, that was an emergency. Take away that and he had nothing.

Not in the whole world. This is why he had to leave school. He needed his own money. Not to buy toys. To get by in the world. Ye couldnt get by without money. So if yer parents didnt give ye it. Ye had to work or else rob a bank. Uncle John and Aunt Maureen were ordinary people. They had a nice house but that was like from years ago when they bought it; three jobs and all what they did. Murdo knew that. He wasnt daft. All that stuff about growing up. Ye wanted to but people didnt let ye. Ye had to find it all out yerself. Murdo knew about saving money. Everything was saving money. That was poor people the wide world over.

So it was rob a bank.

Where would ye go if ye did? There were good places to hide in Alabama; the same back home. Guys talked about that. For Murdo the best place wasnt England or Ireland. For robbing a bank the best escape was sailing a boat around Ardlamont Point and up by Crinan. That is how Murdo would go because who would expect it? Nobody. They would all think oh Glasgow and then like a train to England. For Murdo it was like get past Islay but not to Ireland, it was Canada or Greenland. The Atlantic Ocean. All ye needed was a boat and ye could get a boat.